


Jump Right In

by houpgedaheda, thehomiehalen



Series: Beach Bound and Down [2]
Category: The 100 (TV)
Genre: Baby-Daddy Lexa, F/F, G!p Lexa, Pregnant Clarke
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-07-01
Updated: 2018-10-29
Packaged: 2018-11-22 00:27:51
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 13
Words: 69,321
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11368782
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/houpgedaheda/pseuds/houpgedaheda, https://archiveofourown.org/users/thehomiehalen/pseuds/thehomiehalen
Summary: A year and 3 months ago, Clarke sent a text message to her ex and received a reply from a stranger.  After what seemed like a year of eternal pining, she finally got to meet that stranger in the flesh and the green-eyed girl turned out to be the love of her life.  Then life happened and a little over a month ago, Clarke thought she'd lost her completely.Soulmates, she discovers, always find their way back to one another, though.[ This story was originally posted by author TheHomieHeda (aka hedaofhearts) as a sequel to YGDS.  Reposted with permission from the author. ]





	1. Roll to Me

"Sooooo," Raven drawls, staring at her as soon as she claims a seat on the couch. "How was your first day, Griffin?"

"Really good, it was basically just introductory shit, you know? Not really delving into too much - just sort of giving you, like, a synopsis of what to expect. But I love everything so far."

"How're you doing? It's not too overwhelming, is it??" the girl prods. "It's okay to not be okay, Clarkey."

"No, I'm...I'm good. I'm so much better than I was back in Gainesville, Rae." the blonde offers. "My mom was right. This is what I fought for....and...it's what I've wanted for so long...I'm happy.."

The move from Gainesville to Sarasota had been smooth sailing. Everything went relatively easy and they'd still had about 2 weeks to settle in before her classes had started. Abby surprised them after the first week. She drove down with Octavia, Lincoln, and Harper who all roomed with Layne and Raven at The Woods' for the weekend. Her mother informed her that the vehicle Lincoln and the girls had brought down - a brand spankin' new Jeep Compass, white with a mix of black and brown leather interior - was actually a gift from her. It helped, having a vehicle of their own, and Clarke and Raven had spent the following weekend at Indra and Gus' despite having joined the family for dinner a few nights out of the week as well. Things with Lexa started so simple and natural. They spoke and spent time together, mostly with the twins' parents and Layne's friends. Anya called frequently, always checking on Lexa, and Clarke had found that she actually really liked the talks they shared. 

Despite everything, the brunette never broached the topic of the accident and her subsequent memory loss - it always seemed like the elephant in the room - until one evening when it became painfully evident and couldn't go ignored any longer. They had decided to order Chinese and Layne realized they hadn't done it since before that weekend in Gainesville when everything changed. He asked Lexa if there was anything she wanted in particular and she just....blanked. Sensing how hard it was for her, he offered to share some of his with her. Both Raven and Clarke had echoed the sentiment. Having all ordered separate and unique meals, it gave Lexa the opportunity to try a little bit of everything and decide for herself what she liked. It was a process having to relearn everything, but they all did what they could to help her along.

Lexa had turned to Clarke with a pitiful smile while her brother placed the order, saying ' _I had an accident and....I sorta lost my mind, I guess. Well, I mean....my memory. I don't....really know what I like anymore._ ' She seemed almost shy about admitting it and the blonde had felt horrible for her. After that, Clarke made it her mission to get Lexa to try things with her. It was good in theory, but she chastised herself each time, worrying about what could have happened if the girl had had some sort of allergy she wasn't aware of and they'd been caught unprepared for the reaction. This prompted Indra to ask Lex's doctor for an Epi pen, just to put the blonde at ease.

Things are different, that's a given. Clarke has to remind herself of that every time she catches herself staring at the girl's lips or wishing she could hold her hand - but everything still feels like the two of them could stay in their own little world forever. They've exchanged numbers (the third time in Clarke's memory of their relationship) and it isn't uncommon, now, for them to exchange texts every day - occasionally all-day. She's careful not to cross boundaries - always conscious of things that remind her of where they started and where they are now.

They flirt, sure. And Clarke's not sure if the brunette is doing it intentionally or if she's just naturally like that. _It would explain why she's still like that even after....all this mess,_ she reasons. _It probably has nothing to do with me...I mean it's only been two weeks.._ But, Lexa doesn't understand their history; she doesn't remember the nights they'd spent promising each other forevers and lifetimes stretching out across eternity. She doesn't know that they were once so in love - as short a time as it was - and she certainly has no idea that _she_ is the very reason why Clarke is as close by as she is, now. To Lexa, the blonde is just a friend of the family - the family that she's having to become re-accustomed to. It's complicated and that's why Clarke keeps her heart guarded in some way when it comes to this green-eyed goddess. 

  
04:42pm - **Mowgli:** hey rembrandt! how was your first day?

  
She giggles as soon as she sees the text alert. The blonde had taken to introducing Lexa to Disney movies, which happened to be her Unholy Trinity's (a.k.a. her, Raven, and Octavia) favorite genre, and the brunette had quickly expressed that the Jungle Book was her favorite. _Of course it is_ , she'd thought, and Clarke had therefore dubbed her 'Mowgli', feeling like she needed to move away from the past and create new memories. Lexa took the opportunity to nickname Clarke 'Marie' after the tiny white female kitten on Aristocats because the blonde had confessed it was probably her favorite Disney movie rivaling even Tarzan and the Lion King which were top ranked among the 'Home-Theater Hits". It also didn't help that Clarke would always quote the pint-size 'putty tat', declaring ' _Cause I'm a lady, that's why!_ '

  
04:43pm - **Marie:** hey urself. it was good. made new friends and everything. i like it so far. there's even a museum just up the road.

  
"What's got you smiling so hard?" Raven quirks her eyebrow at her. "You look like you just got away with stealing a billion cookies out of the cookie jar. Spill it, sugar-tits."

"It's nothing..." she says trying to play it off. "Lexa sent me a text asking how my day was.."  
  


04:43pm - **Mowgli:** ooh, we should go sometime. have you already been?

  
"Oh, how's.... _that_ going for you?" her friend asks. "Is it...hard? Being so close and, like, seeing her....but not really 'seeing her'??  
  


04:44pm - **Marie:** i haven't but i'd really like to.

  
"Yeah it is," the blonde frowns, "But it's alright, ya know? It's better than....not seeing her at all."  
  


04:45pm - **Mowgli:** cost of admission?

04:45pm - **Marie:** not sure but i can find out. not thinkin Raven will want to go, tho.

  
"I get that," the Latina hums, "I just know that you're nursing a broken heart and....shit could get complicated really fucking quick."

"I know Rae. And I'm trying to keep things....separate. I'm trying to get to know her better. Maybe better than I thought I knew her the last time, I don't know. I just know that I can't not talk to her..."

"She seems to be getting along well," Raven adds. "Layne said she's been helping him on the boat a lot. He said he feels like they're working on building a connection."  
  


04:47pm - **Mowgli:** entice her with food. layne says it works every time.

  
"That's awesome. I know it has to be hard on him...and her. They knew each other so well at one point.." she pauses to text back and then rereads before pressing send. "I'm glad they're making progress.."  
  


04:48pm - **Marie:** or we could just forgo inviting them completely and u and i can see the sights

04:49pm - **Mowgli:** that's actually what I was asking you to begin with

04:49pm - **Marie:** u were?

  
"Hey Rae, do you think it would be..... _bad_ if Lex and I went to a museum together?" Clarke questions. "Like....just the two of us?"

"No, I guess not." the girl answers back. "You'll definitely want to establish whether or not this is going to be a date....or just two friends hanging out.....or something that's leading to an intense make-out session in the car outside the apartment...that kinda thing."

"Honestly, I'm not ready for..... _that_ to happen."

"Ummm....you say that like you've never had sex with her before." Raven teases. "You literally jumped her bones the first night you guys met-"

"Which is exactly what I _don't_ want to do this time. I don't want to rush. I don't want to make things.....heavy, ya know?"  
  


04:51pm - **Mowgli:** yes. is that weird? i mean it doesn't have to be a date or anything.

  
"Makes sense," her roommate shrugs. "Just talk to Indra about it first. Get MamaBear's approval before you corrupt, I mean, _court_ her daughter."

  
04:51pm - **Marie:** no, not weird. i'm just...surprised u'd want to.  
  


"You're incorrigible, you know that?" Clarke gripes. "I just don't wanna go all Maverick and rush right into the 'Danger Zone'-"

"Save your movie analogies, Griffin. You and I both know you miss it and you're so ready to fly right by A, B, and C on your way to the D!" Raven cackles. 

"OH MY GOD, RAVEN!" the blonde gasps. "STOP! I wasn't even thinking about that until....now! Jesus!"

  
04:52pm - **Mowgli:** i might enjoy your company....just a little bit ;)

04:52pm - **Marie:** wow u sure kno how to make a girl feel special, asshole ;P

  
"What?!" the black-haired girl asks. "I've felt it before. Let us not forget. Mira, no offense to Gordi because he's got a nice Cougar Magnum - I mean, seriously, me likey - but FineStud! is packing a sawed-off shotgun in them shorts, Clarke. Shit is nothing to balk at."

"Stop talking about her package, Raven!! The fuck?!"

  
04:53pm - **Mowgli:** would you do me the honor of accompanying me to the museum, clarke?  
  


"I'm just saying," Raven says, throwing her hands in the air, "I wouldn't blame you if you did......you know....let her beat it up like Muhammad Ali-"

"Fuck, okay, I'm going to my room now." the blonde groans, raising herself from the couch.

  
04:54pm - **Marie:** i would love to. as long as u treat me like a lady and keep ur hands to urself.

  
"Ground and pound, Griffin....it helps to de-stress."

  
04:54pm - **Mowgli:** i swear to keep my hands in check.

04:55pm - **Mowgli:** my lips I make no promises for, though  
  


"Whatever Rae." Clarke waves her off, headed down the hall. "I'll see you for dinner in a bit."

  
4:55pm - **Marie:** and i swear not to punch u in that pretty mouth of urs as long as u behave.  
  


"Let me know if you need batteries!" her roommate calls out.

"SHUT UP!!"

  
04:56pm - **Mowgli:** looking forward to it, million dollar baby.

  
*******

  
  
Clarke steps into her bedroom, setting her bag down in the chair by the desk. She pulls out her spiral notebook, the one she's been writing in for the past month, and she lays on her stomach - stretching her out over the bed - as she writes. It started after the accident, this notebook full of words she'd never say but clearly needed to get out, and every day she wrote - sometimes twice a day, even. There were days where it was only a half a page and there were others where she filled one after another until her hand cramped and she couldn't go on. She wrote what she felt and what she thought - things she used to be able to get out in the form of conversations. 

But Lexa didn't remember her anymore and this was her only way to communicate with the lover she missed more than she thought should have been humanly possible. She'd decided on writing letters to her absentee girlfriend - to the girl lost and locked away deep inside the recesses of the brunette's mind. She had decided to write to her in the hopes that one day, when Lexa came back to her, she'd be able to hand all of these letter's to her and show her that she never gave up. That she never stopped hoping. Some of the letters were just about her day, others were about how much she craved her touch again, and more than a few of them were tear stained where the ink had smeared. Still, she wrote to Lexa every day and kept the notebook to herself and out of reach of prying eyes. Her letters were personal and Lexa had always been so private about the things they spoke about and how they handled things in their relationship - especially after the initial argument they'd had the weekend they'd met.

At times, Clarke was positive that her once-upon-a-time lover's memory would come back. Her mother had explained that there was a chance that Lexa would regain her memories - whether in pieces or all at once - but she'd also made sure that the blonde understood that there was no guarantee and she shouldn't live her life holding out for a miracle. Nevertheless, the days where hope carried her through definitely outnumbered the days she let herself fall into despair. She assured herself time and again on happy days - telling herself that it was just a test and she meant to pass. Still, the bad days did exist - days where she woke up with an ache in her chest and doubts that crippled her, telling her that she'd never get the girl she loved back. She may or may not have felt guilty, a few times, for writing to her 'Lexa from the past' while flirting shamelessly with 'Lexa in the present'. Those were the moments where her reasoning failed her and she felt like she was cheating. _But she's the same person_ , she'd argue later, _It's only her memory that is missing. I have to be patient....stand by her. It could always come back. She'll come back......_

She tried not to focus on the specifics of it and, instead, let the letters help her cope. She poured her heart out over lined paper and felt the weight lifted off - even if only momentarily.

It was all she had. A space with Lexa that she didn't have to share with anyone else.

  
*******

Thursday morning it hits her like a fucking freight train. She's in class and immediately has to run to the trash can. It's embarrassing and she can't even begin to understand why it's happening but she eventually stops long enough to make it to a bathroom where she can puke in peace. Once she's finished, she wipes her mouth - exiting to wash her hands - and the girl who steps out of the stall just 2 down from hers offers her a small smile and positions herself at the sink next to her. 

"It'll go away after a bit," the girl tells her. "My sister was the same way, but it gets better, I promise."

Clarke doesn't say anything because she's having trouble actually paying attention to the words that have left the girl's mouth. She focuses on scrubbing the sickness off her hands and the brunette, who's staring at her now, immediately tacks on another few sentences.

"How far along are you? You can't be any more than 2 or 3 months."

And then the pen drops. _Fuck,_ she thinks, _this cannot be happening to me....not **now**...._

"I'm sorry," the blonde offers the girl in response, "I uh....I have to go. But...thank you. For the reassuring words."

"Anytime," the brunette shrugs, turning back to her task.

  
*******

She makes it to the end of the day without another bout of losing everything she hadn't known she'd eaten and as soon as she leaves the campus she stops at the closest store and buys every brand of test available because.... _if it's worth doing, it's worth doing right,_ she tells herself. She pees on all of them - a mission of it's own proportions - and waits the recommended amount of time. She tries to take her mind off the minutes, or seconds rather, that seem to halt and catch in the air around her. She pushes herself to get up and move around - she goes to the kitchen for a drink, feeling her mouth suddenly go as dry as the Sahara.

She's insanely grateful that Raven had been busy on the phone, in her bedroom, when she arrived home carrying her bag of 'goodies'. She pauses in the hallway outside her own door, momentarily unsure of whether or not she's ready or if she thinks she might need moral support. Ultimately, she decides to press on and go it alone. _Big girl panties, Griffin. You can do this._

*******

  
  
The first person she thinks of calling is Lexa. It rings one time before she hangs up, realizing how stupid that had been, and grabs her notebook instead.

> Lexa, my love,
> 
> Today I found out something that I know will change my life forever. Today I watched my carefree existence get washed out with the tides. Today.....I realized just how alone I really feel without you here.
> 
> I should have asked you. Most days I hate myself for not bugging you with questions from the jump. Sometimes I look at how quickly everything happened for us once we actually met and I can't help but feel like it all could have happened sooner. I could have had so much more time with you.
> 
> Does it hurt more because I feel like I had less or would it kill me more, having had you longer - having learned you longer - having loved you longer.....??
> 
> All I know is that I can't stop thinking right now...  
>  Thinking about how you'd react...  
>  About what you'd tell me...  
>  About how you'd hold me...  
>  And maybe I just think that you would have been perfect about it.  
>  That you would have handled this like you handled everything else - with more finesse in your pinky finger than I possess in my entire existance.
> 
> What am I supposed to do now? How am I supposed to move on with my life and make this work?? How am I supposed to do this without you?
> 
> Would you have even wanted this?? In general? Would you have wanted this baby.....with me?
> 
> I could never have made you stay if you didn't want to. I would never have forced you to give up your own happiness out of some sense of...obligation or....duty...
> 
> Still, I admit, there's a part of me that thinks you would have been grinning like that raccoon from Pocahontas, right now - you know, Meeko?  
>  Somehow, I want to believe in my heart that you would have been excited.....even if you were scared at first.
> 
> God, Lex, I'm so fucking scared to do this by myself.
> 
> I'm not blaming you, don't misunderstand me, I just really wish things could be different...
> 
> Now more than ever I'm scared you'll never come back to me. I'm scared our child will grow up and never know you - never get to experience the love you offered me so unconditionally and the way your words could heal every hurt faster than mama's kisses ever could.....  
>    
>  and I'm just so goddamn scared that I'm not enough of what this kid is going to need to grow up and be a decent fucking human being.
> 
> I'm scared I'm going to fail our child Lexa and I'm scared I'm going to fail you in the process...
> 
> Tomorrow I'm going to have to face your mom and dad on my own and I can only hope and pray that they want to be a part of this baby's life because if I can't have you with me....if I can't have you help me raise him or her.....then at least I can have the people who raised you. 
> 
> Maybe they can help me give our baby a fighting chance.

  
*******

  
  
**(( Dialing: Momosa))**

  
"Hey sweetie," her mother answers.

"Mom, I need you to sit down..."

"Clarke," the tone of her voice changes. She's officially in 'concerned mom' mode. "Honey, what's going on? Are you okay?"

"Mom I'm pregnant...." the blonde admits, trying to make her voice come out stronger than what she really feels right now.

"Baby....it's just stress. You're peri-"

"NO, Mom," Clarke stops her, breaking out into a sob so relentless she's having to wipe the snot from her nose, "We're wayyyyy passed that. It's not even about my period at this point like...I mean, I've always been irregular so I never really thought much about it and...Lexa's chances of-Whatever, the point is.....I threw up in class today and had to run to the bathroom to throw up again. Some girl in the bathroom told me it would get better and that her sister was the same way and...Mom it just clicked and I....I took the tests and I'm pregnant."

"Sometimes those tests....depending on the brand-"

"Mother I pissed on 10 of them....all positive." she assures through sniffled breaths. "And not even the light positive like it's kinda questionable....no....like...CLEARLY positive."

"Oh honey," her mother sighs over the phone, "Have you told Indra and Gus...? I could drive down tomorrow and-"

"Mom I don't even know what to say to them. This is such a shitty situation-"

"Clarke, you're carrying their grandchild....offering them a chance to be grandparents...they can't hate you for that. No matter the circumstances."

"Tell me I can do this Mom," the blonde begs. "Tell me I'm doing the right thing..."

Her mother is quite for a moment before she answers, "Sweetheart, I can't make that decision for you. Nobody can. I've tried to control every aspect of your life that I could, for so long, but....honey this is your decision. You have to do what you believe in your heart is right."

  
07:43pm - **Mowgli:** hello my itty bitty pretty kitty ;) are you and Raven coming for dinner tomorrow? Indra wants to know.

  
"I want to keep it Mom," she says, glancing at the text again. "I want this baby. I'm having a mild panic attack right now but....I really do want it."

"Okay, then, it sounds like you know what you have to do."

"Yeah," she hums. "Thanks you. For listening to me cry and-Ugh! I guess I'll let you know how everything goes tomorrow, okay?"

"Okay baby," Abby agrees. "I love you, Clarke. It's going to be okay. I'm here for you whenever you need me."

"Thanks, Mom, I know. I love you too."

**(( Call Ended ))**

  
She takes a moment to gather her thoughts before she responds. It's a fine line she treads, being flirty but not overly eager, and she's not sure if Lexa even feels the same attraction she does. Either way, she reminds herself that shit is about to get exponentially more real and she really doesn't need to let herself give in to thoughts of anything other than a sassy sort of friendship with her ex-lover.  
  
  
07:45pm - **Marie:** only if she makes that cucumber salad i like so much ;) jk. we'll def be there. might come early, if that's okay.

07:46pm - **Mowgli:** i'll pass along your order and you can come anytime you want

07:46pm - **Marie:** omg shut up, ya nasty!  >.<

07:47pm - **Mowgli:** excuse you, i meant you could 'come over' anytime you want. you're the one with her mind in the gutter.

07:48pm - **Marie:** oh....well that's not embarrassing at all. sometimes i think rooming with raven has my mind living in the gutter..

07:48pm - **Mowgli:** i'd gladly take up residence in the filth with you ;)

07:49pm - **Marie:** i'll save u a spot then, handsome.

 _Dear God_ , she thinks, _I must be a fucking glutton for punishment..._

  
*******

The following day is long and she fights her anxiety. There's a voice inside her head that tells her not to stress herself out about it - that the Woods' have been nothing but accepting of her. 

After they'd come to understand that Lexa had no knowledge of her life up until the moment she woke up in the hospital, Indra has expressed her desire for 'family time'. She spoke candidly about it with Clarke and the blonde understood that it would be a very confusing and difficult time for all of them. She'd agreed to step back and let them have the time they needed - _they're family after all, right?_ It stung a little, feeling like she was no longer a part of that simply because her branch - her relationship was Lexa - had been effectively snipped short. All the same, she accepted it and tried to wait her turn.....if that would even come.

And then, Indra was at her mother's house - offering her art school at Lexa's expense and, even more fulfilling in some ways, an opportunity to be a part of Lexa's life again. Admittedly, she'd reacted poorly at first. She'd practically run out of the living room blubbering like a fool and nearly ran into her own bedroom door trying to get the damn thing to open. However, it only took her a day to call Indra and tell her that she appreciated everything and that she was sorry she hadn't handled herself better in the moment. They didn't talk about Lexa, then, and Clarke had often wondered if Indra was worried about them seeing each other after what had happened. She'd run the scenario over and over again in her head, though none of it matched what really happened the second 'first' time they met. Even now, she wasn't sure what Indra thought about them spending time together, but she knew that if the past was any indication, the subject would most likely come up after her 'little' revelation.

Part of her wanted to wait to tell the twins' parents about the baby until after she knew how they'd feel about her and Lexa - if there even could be a 'her and Lexa'. On the other hand, she knew it wouldn't be fair to blind-side them with the news later on. She thinks about their possible reactions and it makes her gut do somersaults. _Will they be happy? Will they want to be involved? Will they accept them, her and the baby, as family? Will they want to be there for things like...appointments, ultrasounds, the delivery?? Or will they reject her? Will they accuse her of being with someone else? Would they want a test to prove that-No, Clarke, that's stupid. They wouldn't do that._

Throughout the day, she busies herself with rampant thoughts and feels herself growing even more nervous as she and Raven make the drive to Bradenton. She contemplates telling her roommate while they're still in the car but opts against that knowing that there's a good chance she'd tell Layne and...well....she can't have this coming from anyone else but her. When they pull into the Woods' driveway, the twins greet them - Layne pulling Raven into a hug and Lexa reaching a hand up to ruffle Clarke's blonde locks. 

"Hey there," the brunette says softly. "How was your day?"

"Never-ending." the blonde offers with her head down and a slump of her shoulders. She looks up and catches those emerald eyes locked on her causing a warm feeling in her heart. She smiles, adding, "But we're here now and I'm starving."

"Come on," Lexa chuckles, grabbing her bag from the back and shutting the door. "Your cucumber salad awaits, ma'lady."

 _Now or never_ , she tells herself. _Here goes nothing._

  



	2. Cast Iron Soul

  


They spend most of the night in the dining room, moving to the living room after the kitchen has been cleaned up. It's Gus's turn to pick the movie and he choses 'Ghost in the Darkness'. Raven and Layne have a pallet of blankets on the floor with a few pillows that they share. Clarke and Lexa share the large couch, sitting opposite each other with their legs stretched out and mingling under the covers. The blonde watches intently as Lexa's eyes stare at the screen - her face changing as she takes in the action on screen. 

There's this subconscious thing that the brunette does every time they're like this: her hand, under the covers, will always reach for Clarke's ankles and she will lightly scratch anytime she starts to get riled up about a particular scene. She relaxes, eventually, and her hands just sort of lay there - splayed out over the lowest reaches of the blonde's legs. It's something that reminds Clarke of the way Lexa used to be. How the brunette's hands would reach out, almost instinctively, for any part of her that they could touch. It wasn't sexual - not all the time - it was just simply Lexa being more the tactile type of lover that she was. It could be anything from their pinkies touching to Lexa twirling the blonde's hair between her fingers or even Clarke waking up to find her girlfriend buried under the covers, her head stilled on her lower abdomen, just above her pubic bone, with an arm protectively hung over her thighs. That was Lexa then. Now, her touch is more tentative and only comes in certain situations.

  
*******

When they finish the movie, Indra and Gus say their Goodnight's and wish everyone a happy sleep. Raven and Layne make their way to his room that Indra had set up for him after the accident and Clarke finds herself in Lexa's room. The brunette sits in the rolling chair at her desk, browsing videos on YouTube, while Clarke lays on her stomach on the girl's bed letting her play DJ. The song changes, an Iration song called 'Time Bomb', and Clarke is surprised when Lexa moves from her seat and squats at the foot of the bed with her face inches from the blonde's.

"What?" Clarke asks her.

"You were staring at me..."

"I wasn't." she argues. "You must be mistaken."

"Am I?" the brunette grins. "I could have sworn you were..."

"You're the only one who's staring now.." the blonde breathes out, trying to keep still.

Lexa's eyes stay trained on hers for a minute before wandering elsewhere - tracing every curve of her face as they settle on her lips.

"Would you let me draw you?" Clarke asks, having seen what was happening. She needed a way out - a way to keep from having Lexa kiss her.

Green eyes snap back up to rest on her blue ones as she sees the brunette's brow furrow. "Draw me how?"

"However you'll let me." she rasps, trying to cover the way being this close to her ex makes her feel. "I'm just _kind of_ a sucker for a warm body.."

"Okay." the girl agrees. "But I'm not taking my clothes off for you."

"Shut up, you ass." Clarke huffs, as she rolls off the side of the bed. "Just get comfortable somewhere. Let me get my sketchbook."

When she returns to the room with her sketchbook and pencil in hand Lexa is nowhere to be found. She notices the curtain in front of the sliding glass door moving slightly, the wind blowing it back, and she realizes the door is open. She pushes past the material and walks out onto the back patio, where she finds Lexa - stripped to her boxer briefs and sports bra - in the pool looking up at her. The lights in the pool make it easy to see her body, though the water distorts its features. Clarke finds a seat on the lounge chair and places her sketchbook in her lap. She takes a moment to watch the brunette swim to the side of the pool closest to her, folding her arms out over the concrete and resting her chin there. And then she begins. 

To her credit, Lexa hovers there - perfectly still, the rippling of the muscles in her arms and shoulders almost undetectable, until Clarke is finished with her quick sketch. She only moves as she watches the blonde strip off her shirt and shorts and descend down the steps into the cool water. The girl has this calm expression on her face as she takes in the way Clarke wades through the shallow end, into the deep, over to her. They stay silent and Clarke tries to gauge whether or not this is crossing a line - _we're not speaking, we're not touching, and yet this feels so goddamn intimate I can't even....I can't even breathe..._

"Do I look good?" the brunette's voice finally breaks through the gentle slapping sound of the water against the tiles surrounding the edge of the pool.

"What?"

"In your drawing...." the girl asks, "Did you make me look good?"

 _Not even close to how you look in person_ , she thinks. "Of course. You can judge for yourself, but I'd say my work here is done. Thank you, for letting me..."

"The pleasure was mine." Lexa smirks, swimming slowly around the blonde. 

"Why do you look at me like that?" Clarke asks her.

"Like what?" the brunette questions, arching her eyebrow.

 _Like you know me._..."I don't know....the way you're looking at me now...I can't describe it..."

"It's your eyes," her ex-lover confesses, dunking herself far enough that only her nose and eyes are still visible above the surface before she rises back up to speak again. "Your eyes are......daunting..."

"What do you mean?" she pushes the question out as she tries to follow the girl's movements around her. The brunette is circling her, like a shark ready to take a bite, and suddenly she feels like getting in the pool with her was a very bad idea indeed.

"Your eyes make me uneasy.." Lexa's voice is different now, like she's unsure of what she's saying.

"Uneasy??"

"Yeah," the girl hums. "Like I'm swimming in a deep blue sea....but I forgot how to swim."

Clarke watches as the brunette's circles around her become smaller, her distance closing in as if she's going in for the kill. It's quick - so quick is seems like the blonde's eyes don't even register the movement until 3 seconds after it's happened - and now Lexa's hand is at the back of Clarke's neck and the girl's face is so close that their lips brush against one another as she gasps. Clarke pushes her hand against Lexa's chest, just over her heart.

"What are you doing, Lex?" she husks.

"I don't know.." the brunette whispers before releasing her grip on the blonde's neck and swimming away from her.

Clarke watches her as she avoids the steps all together and simply pulls herself up over the edge of the concrete, adjusting the soaked material of her underwear as she walks towards the towel rack. Clarke watches as she wraps the towel around her waist, slipping the wet boxer-briefs off and letting them fall to the ground. She scoops them up and hangs them on the empty bottom shelf of the rack to dry before she pulls her sports bra over her head, giving the blonde a view of her bare back. One arm covers her chest as she discards the bra and turns to Clarke to tell her, ' _Are you coming?_ '

  
_No, but I will be if you drop that towel..._

  
  
  
*******

  


"Is it awkward for you?" Clarke asks her, "Knowing that you can't remember things..?"

It's a little after 1am and they're laying on Lexa's bed now - the blonde positioned with her head resting on a pillow and her body stretched out along the length of the bed as the other girl lays on her back, her body perpendicular to Clarke's own, with her head relaxed on her upper thigh. Lexa stares at the drawings on the wall - some of Clarke's that she'd done during her and Raven's stay the previous weekend. She nods softly, but no words leave her mouth. This time it's Clarke's fingers twiddling a strand of the brunette's still-damp hair as she takes notice of how the girl's demeanor shifts.

"My body remembers things..." Lexa croaks. "Like I remembered how to drive...stick shift, even. I can do back-flips and cartwheels. And when I first came here....home, I mean....it's like I knew exactly where the plates and cups were in which cabinets and...I mean....they said that shit is out of habit or muscle memory or something like that - something I don't even realize I'm doing or whatever. But if it's anything I really have to think about....I....don't remember. I was a math genius.....before..."

"Really?"

"Mmhmm. I found a bunch of papers, awards and stuff, in a box in Indra's room." the girl explains. "I also graduated from University with two degrees - Embry Riddle in Daytona, apparently. I don't remember it....but supposedly I have a degree in Astronomy and Astrophysics as well as.....Aeronautics, I think? 'm not so sure now..."

"Wow...shit, Lexa, that's......really fucking cool." Clarke praises. Lexa had never mentioned any of this even before the accident. "Fuck, that's so crazy....like....I had a hard enough time focusing on one degree.."

"There's some paper in there that says I can fly.." the brunette tells her, turning her head to let their eyes meet. "Like planes and shit. I mean, I don't think that applies now but....it's oddly satisfying to see that I was worth something once."

"You're worth something now.." the blonde says, reaching out to touch her arm. "Don't you ever let anyone make you feel like you're not. Not even yourself."

The girl turns her head back to focus on the drawings. "I feel like an impostor, Clarke. I feel like I'm trying to play a part.....and I don't know my lines.."

"Hey," Clarke calls to her, scratching at her shoulder to get her attention. It takes a moment but finally Lexa turns her head and those same hurricane orbs find her and it's just... _ahhhh._

"So make a different movie," the blonde tells her. "Write a different script. Nobody can tell you what your life is supposed to be, Mowg. You need to be like....like water - like the ocean. Strong and sure of itself - beautiful and bold. Make all the waves you want and let other people worrying about learning how to surf. Okay?"

"Thank you..." the brunette says as she faces the wall again. She takes a deep breath and then lets the air back out, stuttering a bit as she says "I.....You make me feel.......real."

  
*******

She wakes up around 3am and is very aware that she is in Lexa's bed. Alone. She tries to roll over and go back to sleep but her mind wanders and she can't stop herself from getting up to go find her. It's a process she repeats every time she stays at the Woods'. Her body tells her that Lexa should be there with her - in the bed that they'd shared before - and that she can't sleep properly without her. She steps into the living room expecting to find her on the couch like she usually is when Clarke stays over. Instead the blonde's met with pillows and a blanket that look untouched - folded in their place where Indra sets them before she knocks out for the night.

Back in Lexa's room she notices the wind still blows the curtain around and she's surprised she didn't notice that when she first woke up. She finds the brunette asleep in the tree hammock that extends between the curved double palms and the straight one. The blonde moves towards her, stopping in her tracks when she thinks about what she's doing. _Don't do this Clarke. THIS is crossing the fucking boundaries._ She turns to walk back inside when she hears Lexa call out to her. 

"Sleep with me...?"

She doesn't move, doesn't speak, and barely breathes as she fights to keep herself in check. _Don't look at her or you'll never be able to say no. Keep walking Clarke._

"Or don't. It's your choice. But it's a beautiful night out. How often can you say that you've slept under the stars, Clarke?"

 _Fuck, she's good._ "Never, actually." the blonde answers, still eyeing her exit from this situation.

"I'm sorry," she hears the girl say. "I didn't mean to make you uncomfortable."

 _God, I wish you knew even a fraction of how much I want to sleep in that hammock with you_..."You didn't. It's okay. I just....don't wanna throw you off balance or anything.."

"Then be careful," Lexa tells her, beckoning her again. "Come here, Clarke."

_Mmmm there's that commanding tone I miss so goddamn much. Shit Griffin, slow down!_

She spins and walks back towards the brunette who has maneuvered herself out of the hammock now. Lexa doesn't speak, she only grabs Clarke's hands and guides her to turn and fall back into the fabric as the brunette somehow manages to lay them both down so smoothly the blonde feels like she'd been floated there. Their legs tangle together and it reminds her of just how much she's missed this. Her heart flutters as her head finds a place in the crook of the girl's neck and she enjoys the comfort of the arm around her.

They hang there - in a state of limbo, she feels like - completely quiet but still their bodies talk to one another.

*******

  
  
Sunrise comes too quickly and Lexa wakes her up too early to go back to the bedroom. As she lays downs and pulls the covers up, she half thinks that the brunette is going to cuddle up on the other side but instead, she tucks the hair behind the blonde's ear and tells her she'll see her in a bit. By the time she wakes up again, everyone is already at the breakfast table. Raven pats the chair next to her and Clarke grabs her plate and takes a seat. Once their done eating and the kitchen is cleaned up, Layne calls his sister out to help him with his truck for a second and Clarke follows Raven to Layne's room.

"Raven, I need your help," Clarke informs her friend as soon as the door to the room is shut. "I have to talk to Indra and Gus and....I need moral support. And....privacy."

"Okay....you've piqued my interest." the Latina smirks. "By moral support your meaning....me?"

"Yes."

"And by privacy you're meaning......away from Lexa...?" Raven questions.

"And Uno..." the blonde specifies. "Can you come up with something that will get them both out of the house long enough for me to do this?"

"Probably. But I'm going to need to know how much time I'm trying to buy us here.." the black-haired girl quirks her eyebrow. "Are we talking a trip just down the road or are we talking a grocery trip?"

"In between. I need....about 30 minutes or so." she explains. 

"Gotcha." Raven nods. "Don't worry, you're in good hands. Let me show you how this is done."

They both exit the room and head out the door of the kitchen onto the driveway where Layne's truck is parked and he and Lexa are just slamming the hood back down.

"Hey Gordi, can you run to the store and get me some tampons and pads, please?" Raven smiles at him, batting her eyelashes.

"Uh...okay." he shrugs, turning to his sister. "Get in. If I'm going, you're fucking going too."

As they pull out of the driveway, Clarke turns to her best friend with a grin on her face. "Explain."

"Oh come on. Do you not find this just a tiny bit hilarious that we just sent two people with penises or...penii....or...whatever...to go and buy feminine hygiene products?! They'll have no clue what to get and they'll spend forever trying to figure it out and we'll have plenty of time." the girl cackles. "Plus....we'll be fucking stocked for months because they'll eventually settle on getting multiple kinds just so they don't have to go back."

"Reyes, I swear I don't know why I question your genius.." the blonde shakes her head.

"Shoot, I been saying that."

  
*******

Sitting in front of Indra like this feels strangely exactly like the first time they met. Seated at the dinner table with those chocolate brown eyes burning holes into her skull - that's how she feels in this moment, anyway. She's been thinking of how to bring this up and yet, right now, every one of the thoughts she'd chased earlier have left her mind completely. _Should I go for blunt?_ she wonders. _Or maybe I should ease into it....you know....a little 'so Lexa's doing well....she's warming up to everyone better than expected....oh yeah, bee-tee-dub, I'm carrying her child..' Yeah, okay, not gonna go there. Fuck._ The clearing of Raven's throat tells her she's gotten lost in her own head and now she's running out of time so she'll have to bite the bullet and go for it.

"I umm...," the words seem lodged in her throat and like clockwork she feels the wave of nausea hit. "I'm gonna be sick-"

She takes off into the bathroom emptying the contents of her stomach and feeling absolutely certain that if they didn't know before, they're definitely aware of reason for needing to talk. She blows her nose and wipes her face with a cold wet rag. She takes the time to brush her teeth and then exits the bathroom to find Indra waiting in the hallway. 

"How long have you known?" the woman asks her.

"Thursday night. I took the test Thursday night....well....tests....I-I wanted to be sure..."

"Is the morning sickness bad?" the look on Indra's face is so sympathetic. "Have you seen a doctor? I could recommend one, if you'd like..."

"You're not upset?" Clarke asks.

"Are you trying to tell me that you're _not_ carrying my grandchild?" the older woman questions her.

"What-NO! It's hers...I mean...mine- _OURS_ -I don't know.." the blonde shakes her head. "It's mine and Lexa's, but she-"

"Do not worry about that," Indra smiles and pulls her into a tight hug. "That is something we will address later. Right now, we talk about doctors, vitamins, and the safety and health of both you and the little one."

"Thank you, Indra." she says, her voice cracking with emotion. "I was so scared to tell you...I don't want you to think I'm trying to complicate things for Lex..."

"Nou get yu daun." the woman comforts her, rubbing her back. "Gus and I....disha laik seiso gon heimbri. You are an answer to our prayers, Clarke. They way you love her, even when she cannot love you back....we are so thankful for you. And now, I am even more so."

When Indra pulls back, Clarke can see her eyes are watering as she swivels around to walk towards the dining room. The blonde breathes a sigh of relief, happy to not be holding the secret any longer, but still feeling like this is just the tip of the iceberg and the ship isn't in the clear yet. 

As she approaches the table she hears the older woman telling her husband ' _Yumi na bilaik komfon, ai hodnes. Em ste fulop. Fyucha-de kom Lexa._ ' She's not sure of the words leaving indra's mouth - there are several of them that she'd never learned - but as Layne whips around the corner he provides a pretty good indication of what is being said.

"You're pregnant?" his almost yells, his mouth and Raven's both agape.

"I-Yes..."

"What the hell, Clarke?! I'm here for moral support and I didn't even know..??" her friend snarls. "How long have you known??"

"Since Thursday," the blonde confesses. "I took a bunch of tests and...well, yeah. I don't know like...how far along or anything but....definitely pregnant. Thus, the throwing up."

"Gordi!" the girl squeals. "I'm gonna be an Auntie!! And you're gonna be an Uncle!! Clarke, the baby has to call us Tio Gordi and Tia Rae. I demand it."

"Okay Rae," she giggles. "I'll keep that in mind. Hey, Layne.....where is Lex?"

"Oh she was.....just here..?" he says looking around. "I don't know where she went.."

"I'll go look for her." Clarke offers as she heads towards the brunette's room.

  
*******

  


She finds her with her back against the headboard of the bed and her legs crossed out in front of her. Her head is tilted back and her hands clasped together in her lap. She doesn't acknowledge the blonde as she first enters the room - waiting until Clarke gets closer to the bed before she addresses her.

"Congratulations," she half whispers. "I didn't realize you were seeing someone."

"I'm not," Clarke corrects her.

"Oh."

"I mean, I'm not a slut or anything-" she tries to backtrack. _Fuck, she doesn't understand...._

"I never said you were," Lexa stops her, opening her eyes to look at her. "Where's the father?"

 _It's.....complicated._ "That's....kind of a long story, Mowg. Maybe for another day..."

"Does he know?" the brunette asks with her eyes narrowed at Clarke and her brow raised. "Is he....a good guy?"

"Like I said, it's a long story and I'll tell you someday, I swear. Just....not yet. Okay?"

"Okay." the girl relents. "Someday."

"What are you doing in here all alone, wildling? How come you're hiding?"

"Because I knew you'd come find me..." Lexa grins. "Loud noises bother me sometimes...I just needed to get away for a minute. You can join me, if you want. I won't bite, I promise."

"What if I bite?" Clarke jokes. "I'm a pa-ran-ah!!" she says clacking her teeth together.

"Shut up and get over here," the brunette laughs as she pulls Clarke onto the bed next to her. "Are you happy....about the baby?"

"I am," she smiles at the girl. "I had dreams about it before.....and....things are definitely not like my dreams but maybe it'll get there. One day."

When Lexa puts her hand on Clarke's stomach it just about makes her jump off the bed. "I think you're gonna have a girl..."

"Oh yeah?" she chuckles. "You psychic now? Am I being charged for this?"

"First one's free. Everything after I'll give you half-price," the brunette offers her a smirk.

"What should I name her then? Tell me what you think will suit her." Clarke asks, curious to hear the answer. 

"I like the name Yana." Lexa offers. "I saw it in a book last week."

"That's beautiful, Lexa. I love it."

*******

> Lexa, my heart,
> 
>   
>  I told your parents today. You were there for the aftermath, of course, but that is not why I'm writing.
> 
> I'm writing because today you touched my stomach and told me you thought I was going to have a girl. Now, I know it doesn't work like that but dammit there's a part of me that wants you to be right. Because you picked the most beautiful name for her. You've always been a reader and that hasn't stopped since the accident (which is something I find intriguing) but....you read a book and you saw that name and....it resonated with you. And now, it resonates with me.
> 
> I realized something today - there is no Lexa from the past and Lexa in the present. The more time I spend with you the more I realize you are just you. And even if your memory comes back, you will still just be you - the same girl I'm laying on this bed with now. And that actually makes me feel so much better because I've been trying to keep you separate. But your mom told me today that I love you - even when you can't love me - and I realized it's true. Whatever happens, I'm here. Whether your memory comes back or if it doesn't. I still feel that spark, baby, and I know that you do too because last night I felt it when you touched me.
> 
> It scares me because I know you don't remember. And I know you're probably going to hesitate and I promise I'll be patient with you, love. It takes as long as it takes. But your body remembers me Lexa. I know it does. And that's why I'm not going to stop myself anymore. Because I don't think there's anything stopping us from being just as in love as we were before. And I absolutely intend to love the shit out of you ;)
> 
> You made me sleep in a hammock this morning. Perhaps 'made' is an exaggeration, I may have already wanted to, but you had that commanding tone and....you already know what that does to me. But maybe I should remind you, in person, soon.
> 
> I think these letters will have a different purpose now. Instead of writing to you as if you're not here, as if you aren't experiencing things with me, I'm going to write to you knowing that someday when I'm gone, you'll have this to look back on. I'm going to write you the book that you said you wanted to write for yourself. I'm going to let these letters tell the story of how I get you to fall in love with me again. 
> 
> What I mean to say is that I'm not going anywhere. 
> 
> I love you, Lexa.
> 
>   
>  \- CG
> 
> p.s. 'Yana' is gonna love you, too <3
> 
> p.p.s. Remind me to ask you about middle names sometime once we find out it's a girl ;)

  



	3. Dancing in the Moonlight

  


For the past two weeks, Clarke has been on her grind at school and that has regrettably left little time for her and Lexa to hang out. The brunette surprised her, twice in fact, by coming over to make her dinner. Granted, it was homemade pizza but the lengths that she went to in order to procure just the right ingredients made the blonde's heart flutter. She hated having to put 'M&M time' on the back-burner but she was having to try and figure out how this pregnancy was going to affect her studies. The doctor that Indra had suggested she see, Dr. Knight, had given her a due date of April 2nd and she had had several conversations with Nyko's mother about what she could do to make sure this didn't set her back too much. The woman had assured her that they would work with her, telling her to relax, focus on her studies, and make sure she was eating enough and drinking plenty of water. Which is why, after telling Mowgli about said conversation, the girl had taken to keeping water on hand for the blonde to make sure she was staying hydrated. The doctor and Indra had told her how important prenatal vitamins were, but they made her sick so the brunette had gone to the pharmacy and come back with a formula that had less iron, which was recommended by the pharmacist, and that seemed to help. The morning sickness isn't as frequent and she's trying to be optimistic in her hopes that she'll be over it all-together soon.

All in all, things are going great in her life. Though the time they actually get to see each other is short, Clarke feels like she and Lexa communicate much like they did before. They text and call, they FaceTime and Skype. They've fallen asleep on each other a few times actually, but they laugh about it afterwards. This weekend though, the weekend before her birthday, Mowgli has requested to spend with her at the apartment. With Raven and Layne spending the next few days at the Woods' planning Clarke's birthday party while the parentals are away, that leaves her and the brunette alone for a total of 3 nights and two days. And Clarke couldn't be more elated. 

01:50pm - **Mowgli:** indra wants to know how you are feeling.

01:51pm - **Marie:** indra wants to know or u do?

01:52pm - **Mowgli:** both. now answer the question. i can't leave until she knows you're feeling okay and she doesn't need to send any home remedies with me.

01:54pm - **Marie:** i feel great. ur all clear for take-off ;)

01:55pm - **Mowgli:** thanks doll ;) see you soon.

01:55pm - **Marie:** be safe, mowg. see u soon  <3

She scrolls through her Facebook for a minute before deciding to post a status. She uploads a picture of her and Lexa, captioning it with **'excited to spend this weekend with #mywildling'** , tagging the brunette who appears next to her - smoothie in hand and snapback atop her head with her hair loose and flowing. It had been the first time Clarke had gotten the girl to try on one of her favorites in the plethora of hats that made up her collection and she had to admit, Lexa rocked it soooo hard.

Social media had been tricky since the accident. Layne had deleted pictures of them together - whether it was just the blonde and his sister or all four of them - stating that Indra thought it would be too confusing if Lexa saw them and then asked questions. Clarke wasn't sure how Uno had gotten her ex's passwords, but he'd meticulously combed through Facebook and Instagram, even going as far as to search through Lexa's phone and delete Clarke's contact info and pictures of them that the brunette had taken as well as texts and voicemails. She didn't have a clue how Lexa's phone had survived the crash - hers being busted to hell and back - but the male twin had made absolutely sure that all traces of the blonde had been wiped clean.

Yes, it was extreme. And yes, she's still pretty goddamn bitter about being the ONLY person that Lexa doesn't know the truth about but Clarke did her best not to argue or cause ripples in an otherwise smooth sea. It wasn't easy, though. Especially as just last weekend she had learned that Tris only lived about 6 houses down from the Woods......and that Costia and her sister Arabella shared the same residence. That knowledge left a nasty taste in the blonde's mouth and she had threatened Layne within an inch of his life if he left that 'chum-bucket' get within a few feet of Mowgli. He'd laughed it off initially but the look on Raven's face told him that she was equally as invested in the threat and thus he had taken up the sport of twat-swatting. Professionally. The twins' parents were away celebrating an early Anniversary and Tris had stopped by a few times to invite them to her place for dinner. Layne, fearing for his safety, declined but Lexa - poor, clueless puppy-dog Lexa - accepted for the both of them and that meant her brother had to spend the evening doing hand-checks at the dinner-table and during the movie that Costia had roped them into watching.

Once it was time to go home, Costia had invited Lexa to stay the night but Uno stepped in and politely told the woman that Mowgli had had enough play-time and was in need of a bath and a bedtime story. The woman smirked stating she'd be happy to help with bath-time but Layne informed her that he'd rather try to bathe a dozen cats at the same time than be forced to supervise the two of them in a tub. Even Clarke had to chuckle at the retelling of that particular piece of the night. Oh, but she was still pissed, though. _I mean, the fucking nerve of that c-_

02:01pm - **RaverReyes:** the old rules still apply. do the dirty in the comfort of ur own bed.

02:02pm - **Griffter:** what part of that post said anything about having sex?

02:04pm - **RaverReyes:** u dont need to spell it out for me griffin. u forget, i live with u. i hear you 'blowing off steam'.

02:04pm - **Griffter:** whatever rae.

02:05pm - **RaverReyes:** u need that lovin' feeling and sexual healing

02:05pm - **Griffter:** i need a new roommate

02:07pm - **RaverReyes:** u love me. u also love lex and her sex ;)

02:09pm - **Griffter:** ughhhh i don't even think she knows that I know about...you know.

02:09pm - **RaverReyes:** what?

02:10pm - **Griffter:** her dick, rae. i mean her dick.

02:11pm - **RaverReyes:** no shit griffin, i'm saying 'what?' because i don't understand how it hasn't come up. forgive the pun.

02:11pm - **Griffter:** raven dont say anything but....i think she's been tucking it or something..idk

02:12pm - **RaverReyes:** what the hell for?? if i were her, i'd be waving that beast around like i had just unsheathed excalibur.

02:15pm - **Griffter:** of course you would. but i mean, idk how she feels in relationship to her genitals and/or having her pickle tickled. i used to, but she's different now. the situation is different. like it or not, the events of her life made her part of who she was before. i think the shit she went through made her realize she had to love herself before looking for someone else to love her. but to her....that shit doesn't exist anymore. at least not right now. so who knows how she sees herself or her junk.

02:16pm - **RaverReyes:** she's like on factory reset. ur essentially starting from scratch here clarke.

02:18pm - **Griffter:** u don't think i know that, reyes?? that's why i'm not pushing her. with any of this. i don't want to force her to love me or...to make love to me. i want her to want these things with me.

02:20pm - **RaverReyes:** gordi says she does but shes scared yo baby-daddy is gonna come back into the picture and carry u off into the sunset.

02:20pm - **Griffter:** he just told u that??? right now??

02:21pm - **RaverReyes:** yes.

02:22pm - **Griffter:** tell him to ask her about....or try to talk to her about her 'business'. just to see if thats what she's uncomfortable about.

02:24pm - **RaverReyes:** he said 'nope'. she doesn't seem to care about it. but she thinks ur straight.

02:24pm - **Griffter:** huh???

02:26pm - **RaverReyes:** he said she thinks ur straight and that u like dick - which u do, obvi - but she told him she'd rather u be into her than just into her dick.

02:27pm - **RaverReyes:** she also told him shes scared to mess things up between u two and that ur an amazing friend whom she doesnt want to lose by overstepping. awwww  >.< <333

02:27pm - **Griffter:** r u making this shit up raven?

02:28pm - **RaverReyes:** jesus clarke, no. i wouldn't fuck with u like that. i'm being serious.

02:30pm - **Griffter:** so shes into me but she thinks im not into her???

02:30pm - **RaverReyes:** mas o menos (more or less)  <\--- his words, verbatim

02:33pm - **Griffter:** gotta go, she just got here. facetime u later  <3

02:34pm - **RaverReyes:** tell mowgli that gordi said 'slow it down, speed-racer'  <3 later lovebirds

*******

  
"Poptarts, Clarke? Really?" Lexa scrunches her nose. "That cannot be healthy."

"I'll have you know," she points, "that the baby happens to be a huge fan of poptarts."

"Yes, that and gummy bears, root beer, and Hazelnut coffee creamer by the gallon, apparently."

"Shut up, asshole!" Clarke grumbles. "You promised no judging."

They make their way through the grocery store, Lexa pushing the cart as Clarke circles around her grabbing things and chucking them in as they go. For every 'snack food' the brunette watches Clarke throw in the bin, she picks out something more healthy as an alternative. Compromise, the blonde heard her call it. It makes butterflies grow in her stomach as she catches the girl smiling at her. They argue over the fact that Lexa thinks it's hilarious how Clarke uses the baby as an excuse to eat random things. She blames it on the fetus - pregnancy cravings, she says - but the brunette laughs and shakes her head knowing full well that these habits did not just start 3 months ago. 

"You're going to make me homemade jalapeno poppers?" the blonde gasps.

"Yes," Lexa smirks. "They're better than any restaurant's, I can promise you."

"Marry me," Clarke proposes.

"You wish," the girl retorts.

"I do," she giggles in response. "I mean you cook, you clean, you don't snore, and you shower regularly. What more could I ask for?!"

"I hate folding clothes, so I hope you're capable of-"

"Fuck that noise," the blonde waves her off. "If it doesn't go on a hanger, it just gets thrown in a drawer. No folding in my household unless someone else wants to waste their time doing it.."

"Don't tell Indra that," Lexa grins. "She'll be over here so quick to fold everything in your dresser."

"She's welcome to do so, but I'll have it messy again by the time Wednesday rolls around, so..." Clarke shrugs.

"What are you gonna do when the baby comes?" the brunette asks. "You gonna hang her onesies up with your clothes as well?"

"Unless you want to fold them for her," she teases the girl. "I doubt she or anyone else will care whether they're wrinkled or not. She's probably going to spit up all over them and make me change her 20 times a day anyways."

"Do babies really spit up that much?"

"I don't really know," Clarke answers. "I don't have, like, a ton of experience with babies."

"Yeah, me either," Lexa says, grabbing a box of fettuccine noodles.

"Do you want kids?" the blonde prods a bit, trying to get a feel for how the girl might react to knowing the baby is hers.

"My medical records say it's out of the question, I'm afraid." she shrugs it off. "After the accident, I read everything about my medical history that I could. It felt like it was something concrete that I could learn about myself. Anyways, it says 'low fertility' in there somewhere along with-um, a bunch of medical jargon that I don't really understand so...yeah. No babies for me, I guess. Not like....biological, anyway."

"You read your entire medical history?" Clarke quirks her eyebrow at the girl. "Shit that's dedication to the game. Is it a long medical history?"

"Yeah, it's pretty extensive," Lexa tells her. "Apparently, I once jumped from a plane with a parachute that didn't open until the last possible second which resulted in it getting tangled in tree branches and me having to cut my way out. Twas a long drop I'm assuming because the triage said something about suspecting broken bones in BOTH of my feet as well as a dislocated elbow and a deep gash behind my right ear. I can feel the scar for that one, actually. Can't see it though."

"Let me see," the blonde says moving behind the brunette and pulling at her ear.

"I see it," she says, letting her thumb rub absentmindedly over the sky blue voice-waves tattooed close by. "Quite a gnarly scar you've got there Mowgli."

"Thanks, I've got others I can show you, too," the girl nods. "But aisle 9 is probably not the most appropriate of places to do so."

"Would you prefer the meats section?" Clarke jests. "You might feel more at home there, beefcake."

"No, thank-you," Lexa bites back, offering the the blonde a husky ' _I'd prefer you take me to your bed to undress me_ ' as she speeds past her with the cart.

  
  
*******

  
Throughout the evening, they flirt. During the food prep and cooking, the consuming of said meal, and the clean up process which featured Clarke blowing bubbles of dish-soap into Lexa's face and the brunette retaliating with a clump of suds being rubbed into the blondes hair. They finish the dishes and wipe down the counters and Clarke suggests they take showers before getting settled in for a movie. Lexa goes first while the blonde assembles a few choices of films for them to pick from. Once the brunette is out, Clarke hops in and bathes as quickly as she can. She thinks about shaving, questioning whether she should hope for something to happen tonight or not, but ultimately decides not to get her hopes up. She argues with herself for minute or two after, saying that Lexa never minded her pubic hair before so she shouldn't worry about it now, but then she worries if the girl's tastes or preferences could have changed as well. _Don't do this, Griffin,_ she fights back. _Don't you dare start to let yourself falter like this. Lexa helped you work past your issues before; she showed you that Finn was the sorriest excuse for a partner and lover. She showed you what it felt like to be loved unconditionally. What would she say if she knew you were thinking like this again? Especially when it comes to her._

And it was true. Clarke had spent time telling her lover all about Finn and their history - about how they really met and about his manipulations, the way he preyed on her knowing how inexperienced she was and the things he'd said to her to keep her there. The brunette had stayed strong for her while they spoke about it, but Clarke had woken up in the middle of the night to find Lexa crying and pulling her tight. When she questioned to girl about what had her so upset, her girlfriend sobbed telling her how much it hurt her to know that the blonde had gone through that. She confessed through her tears that she couldn't imagine why Clarke would even give her a chance after being so emotionally battered like that and she vowed to make sure that Clarke knew every single day just how much she loved her and how precious she truly was to her.

She'd made good on that promise, too. The brunette was known to surprise her with hand-written letters during the middle of the week when they were apart from each other. She'd have flowers sent or special meals from restaurants that didn't offer delivery but Lexa was NOT the type to accept that when it came to spoiling Clarke. It wasn't too extravagant - it wasn't anything that made the blonde feel like she was being bought. Sometimes it was something as simple as receiving a picture of a post-it note with a heart drawn on it or her girlfriend sending her lyrics to a song. She'd even made the blonde a string bracelet once and brought it to her one weekend when she visited. One would think it would get boring or become to 'eh' after a while - once you've come to expect something, you tend to take it for granted. But Clarke was never bored for Lexa's antics. That girl was always finding new ways to let Clarke see her heart.

Which is why she thinks about these things as they lounge on the couch together - Lexa laying between the blonde's legs with her head and shoulders in her lap. Clarke runs her fingers through unkempt curls, rubbing and tracing the girls hairline around her face and scratching lightly at her scalp with her nails. She stops to adjust her own shirt and she hears the brunette grunt in frustration, upset at the loss of contact. It makes the blonde squeal internally knowing how pleasantly pliant the object of her affection becomes when she's in this position.

When the movie finishes, Clarke excuses herself to use the restroom. Holding it through an entire movie has never been her strong suit. She notices a text from her roommate.

  
11:47pm - **RaverReyes:** RELEASE THE KRAKEN!!! ;)  
  


She laughs at the meaning though she doubts anything like that will be happening tonight. Returning to the living room, she finds the brunette to be MIA. She calls out to her, but receives no answer. She walks over to the place they'd shared on the couch and she sees a note left for her, written on the back of a Italian restaurant's menu she'd found on the fridge no doubt. 'Come outside with me, Clarke :)' the note reads and after throwing on her flip flops and walking outside and down the stairs, she finds Lexa. She's leaning against her new truck, staring straight up at the night sky and the full moon that lights it up, and the sight of her takes the blonde's breath away. 

"It's beautiful," Clarke says, taking in the lunar display that's been unveiled for them. She's oblivious to Lexa's virid eyes drinking her in as she gets lost in the effortless beauty above.

"It really is," the girl concurs, her gaze never leaving the blonde.

When Clarke turns back to the brunette, she sees Lexa's hand held out to her.

"Dance with me, Clarke."

"Mowgli, there's no music out here," she giggles. "Come on, let's go inside. We can dance in there."

"Yes, but inside does not have the moon, Marie," the girl contends, singing the nickname in an exquisite French accent. "Will you dance with me if I serenade you?"

 _Dammit Clarke, you couldn't resist that if you tried,_ she blushes. "Fine. One dance, Casanova. And you better dip me at the end, like a real gentleman does."

"Because you're a lady," Lexa says, pulling the blonde into her. "That's why."

"You bet your cute ass," she replies. "Now start singing, little canary."

"Someday," the girl hums,"when I'm awfully low. And the world is cold. I will feel a glow just thinking of you...and the way you look tonight."

They dance beneath the moonlit midnight and Lexa sings to her, so soft and sweet as Clarke lays her head on the brunette's chest.

"Yes you're lovely," she continues, "with your smile so warm, and your cheek so soft. There is nothing for me but to love you....and the way you look tonight."

She feels the brunette's arms around her, holding her tightly as if she's afraid to let go.

"With each word, your tenderness grows," the girl cooes, "tearing my fears apart..."

Clarke can feel Lexa's cheek nuzzling her hair as she sings, and her fingers scratch intermittently like she's nervous she'll forget the words.

"And that laugh that wrinkles your nose, touches my foolish heart." the brunette rasps. "Lovely, don't you ever change, keep that breathless charm. Won't you please arrange it, cause I love you......just the way you look tonight.."

It's subtle, but Clarke moves her face to kiss the girl's jaw, feeling Lexa take a deep breath and then shakily let it out. She moves her hands up to the brunette's neck and brings her forward, meeting the girl's lips with her own. It's so light and barely there that Clarke's not sure she isn't imagining it at first. She can feel Lexa's right hand moving up to the back of her neck, dragging her farther into the kiss as her lips release momentarily to adjust and then dive back in. She lets her tongue trace the girl's top lip, requesting entrance and the playful flick of Lexa's tongue against hers tells the blonde she's in. It becomes hungry - wanting - and when she hears the brunette's little 'huff' of breathe as their faces move, she lets out a whimper of her own. She thinks about pulling back but almost instantly Lexa's bending slightly, her hands skating over the length of Clarke's back as they reach to grab her ass and lift her up to wrap her legs around the brunette's waist.

There's a moment of clarity that hits her as she feels the rough press of concrete walls against her butt and shoulders when her lover slams her into the outside of the apartment building. They had tried to make it up the stairs but only made it half way before the girl had sandwiched the blonde between her body and the wall. Her left arm wraps around Clarke's back and her right hand holds her wrists above her head as the brunette's strong thigh moves between the blonde's legs.

"Lexa.." Clarke moans into her mouth, as she grinds down onto the girl's thigh. "Fuck, baby.."

She moves her hips, working herself up against the pressure the brunette offers her. Lexa kisses her greedily, devouring every gasp and hiss she lets out, releasing her wrists in favor of grabbing a handful of her blonde tresses and pulling her head backwards to gain unhindered access to her neck. The way her lips and tongue explore over Clarke's pulse point makes her squirm creating the most delicious friction where she wants it most and she can't stop the guttural groan that pushes its way past her teeth and out of her mouth.

"Beja, Heda," she calls out, "Nou wan yu daun."

She regrets it immediately, feeling the brunette freeze, ragged puffs of breath hot on her neck. She remembers Layne telling her that Lexa didn't seem to retain her knowledge of Spanish and, he could only assume the same would be true for Trigedasleng. She remembers the weeks before the accident, the way Lexa had taught her things to say during sex and to Clarke practice made perfect thus the use of Trig in their bed had become like second nature. But she hadn't meant for it to come out now. She hadn't called the brunette 'Heda' since the crash and she didn't exactly expect for it to be so slippery, sliding off the tip of her tongue like that.

"Clarke," the girl growls against her collarbone as if she understands the call but hesitates to answer it the way the blonde so desperately wishes she would.

"Bed' ge jok au," she husks into Lexa's unruly mane.

Without another word, her lover hoists her up away from the harsh bumps and cracks of the wall and carries her the rest of the way up the stairs and into the apartment door, slamming the door behind her with a kick of her heel. 

  



	4. Give Me Love

**Meanwhile, in Bradenton...**

Raven sits on a comforter, laid out over the sand, while Layne lays on his back with his hand rubbing her calf. She's asked him hundreds of times if he ever gets tired of the beach and his answer is always the same - certain things in life he'll never get tired of: music, her, and the water, and not necessarily in that order. It's only been 4 months since they met, but the girl already feels like she knows him better than she knows Octavia and maybe even Clarke. Much like Lexa, he's charming. He's so funny and charismatic - a real people person. He's assertive but in a very kind way - he could tell you to 'fuck off and die' and almost make you look forward to the trip. But just like his sister, he has a very tender side to him. He doesn't show it to most people, choosing to sport a smart-ass exterior, but with Raven he oozes just the right mix of snark, smolder, and sap.

After the accident, Layne didn't treat her differently. He didn't make her feel like she was any less 'able' than she was before. Yes, he helped her do things but it wasn't because he thought she couldn't do it. He always made her feel like it was just because he wanted them to do things together and that was truly something she admired about him. He never judged her - no matter how angry she got about not being able to get around the way she used to, no matter how hateful she could be when she was in pain. He took his time with her, bringing her food and her pain medicine and trying anything he could to ease her hurt.

And then, there were the nightmares. She would wake up screaming - hollering her heartache with everything her lungs could muster - and he was always there to comfort her. She'd wake in the middle of the night, burning up and crying out apologies. Those nights they spent seated on the shower floor with her in his lap - ice cold water pouring down over them - as he spoke to her in sonnets. Layne was always so patient with her.

Sitting here, taking in their view of the beach at midnight, she remembers the first time he'd told her he loved her. In the hospital, after the crash, he had been so present and so protective of her. He asked questions about everything, always wanting to know what was being done and why. He didn't understand it all but Raven had watched him listen attentively as Abby would explain it more clearly. Layne had told her before that he wasn't as smart as she was. He confessed to her that he wasn't 'book smart' but he knew people and that was enough for him, mostly, yet he still felt like he didn't know what she saw in him. To Raven, the more easily answered question would have been 'What didn't she see?'

She thinks about him sitting there, leaning closer to her with his left arm resting over her head and his right hand holding hers, and about his hunter green eyes staring into hers as she watched the tears slide down his cheeks. _'It'll be okay,'_ he'd said, _'You're alive. You are alive and I love you.'_ She remembers him kissing her hand and telling her _'That's all that matters - we're all still here...'_

For 3 days after Lexa woke up, Raven had tried to shut him out. She blamed herself for the accident - she took the weight of Lexa's memory loss on her own shoulders - and it killed her to look at Clarke and especially Layne. The way he'd broken down in tears when they realized that the girl had no clue who they all were - the moment that Layne questioned the connection that he and his twin had and whether it would stand the test of this trauma - that was when Raven hated herself most.

He'd tried to tell her bye when he and his family left, but she'd stayed quiet and avoided eye contact. He'd tried to call and he'd texted so many times she'd shut the new phone that Abby'd gotten her off. He turned to calling Abby's house phone and sending her Facebook messages. The only thing he didn't try was calling Clarke. And Raven thanked him for following that unwritten rule. He had, however, called Lincoln - the two having become brothers-in-arms, bonding over both their relationships with the girls and their mutual love of all things outdoorsy. Lincoln had in turn called Octavia who knew where the spare key to Abby's was hidden and she busted up into the elder Griffin's home without even so much as a knock on the front door or tap on Raven's window.

Finally, Raven agreed to speak with Layne and after letting her heart bleed out over the telephone, he'd told her simply, and rather poetically, ' _Don't quiet your song just because the lyrics are painful.'_ He'd made her promise not to pull away again - begged her saying ' _If I'm not what you want, then tell me and I'll let you go. But don't run away from me because you think I blame you for what happened. It wasn't your fault and my heart harbors no rage against you._ '

They lose themselves in the salty night air, laughing and loving each other, and Raven knows she should feel bad for being so goddamn happy when her best friend's life has been turned upside down. Still, she promised herself and promised this man that she would let herself have this and enjoy it - without further question. They try to tone it done around Clarke and usually the blonde is so enthralled with whatever Lexa is doing that she doesn't even pay the duo any attention. But on occasion, the Latina has noticed her friend watching them and she can see the pained look that crosses her face. It flashes for only a second and then is replaced with a smile and twinkling blue eyes, but Raven knows she struggles.

"Do you think they'll make it through this?" she asks Layne. "Do you think Lexa can learn to love Clarke and the baby?"

"She already does," he answers, surely, without a second thought.

"But it's different, Gordi," she argues. "Lexa deserves to know the baby is hers.."

"I know," Layne agrees, "And Mama gets that, too. We've been talking about how and when to tell her."

"Babe, she needs to know sooner rather than later," the girl tells him. "Unless you want to chaperone more dinner dates at Tris', she needs to know that she and Clarke are something."

"You don't have to tell me that, ma," he replies, "I get it. But trust that I would not let anything happen between Lex and anyone else. Especially not the Vega girls."

"Why even let them over here, though?"

"Look, it's hard," Layne explains to her. "She doesn't remember the shit they put her through and, even though we do, my mom doesn't want to explain that shit to her. I mean, she already dealt with it once - why bring it up again? But it fucking sucks watching that stupid cunt play games with her. You know she texts her? Like, no bullshit. She sends her selfies and shit.."

"ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?!" Raven shrieks.

"Nope," he shakes his head, "Totally not. At first I thought, 'What the fuck is her angle?' ya know, because they were all about sex before - just sex - but Tris told me the other night at dinner that Cos has been in love with Lex for like 3 years and just hasn't had the nuts to say anything to her."

"Gordi, we have to tell Mowgli the truth about Clarke before that fucking harpy digs her talons in for the kill!"

"Fuck, I love it when you get creative with your insults like that, babe!" he growls, rolling her onto her back on the blanket.

  
*******

**Back in Sarasota...**

There's no awkward first time jitters between them, now. She'd worried that Lexa would be anxious or nervous - Raven's text had her thinking about the fact that not only did the brunette not remember having sex with her, she couldn't remember having sex with anyone, ever. And that made Clarke apprehensive to push forward with anything physically.

The way Lexa handled her outside, though, made her realize that even if she couldn't remember having sex before, she definitely was aware that she wasn't a first-timer. Instincts, she imagines, and the fact that their bodies seem to communicate to each other what they need and want. _Just like they always have._

"Lexa," the blonde whimpers, nails scratching at the brunette's bare back.

The pain is exquisite - the way the girl pounds into her with reckless movements and untamed passion. The way she loses herself in the feeling between them. Clarke can feel Lexa's lips graze her neck just before teeth sink into her skin there. She gasps and a soft tongue traces the wound a second later.

"Mine," Lexa's voice pours into her ear, sending shivers throughout her body. It's soft but it's so fucking strong and the sound of the brunette staking her claim - finally - is like a symphony to her.

"Yours," Clarke hums, content with every sensation her body is feeling. "Anhh, only yours."

*******

"You're so beautiful, Clarke," the brunette tells her somewhere between giving her the second and third orgasm of the night. "Your body is what poets write about...what the angels have heralded throughout history. You are the milk, the honey, and the promised land..."

"I had no idea you were so religious," the blonde jokes, gasping when she feels Lexa's teeth nipping at the skin covering her collarbone

"I give credit where it's due and there is no way I can look at you and not believe in a higher power, Clarke."

She lays there letting the brunette explore every inch of her skin - slowly, meticulously - until her lips press against the crease where the blonde's thigh and pelvis meet. Her long, slender fingers come up to ghost over the tiny horse tattoo on her hip-bone. Clarke watches as Lexa stares at it, intensely, like she's trying to figure out a puzzle hidden in lines of the fingerprint she once lent to help make this piece of permanence.

"It's beautiful, isn't it?" Clarke rasps.

"It is," the girl replies, fingers still dancing over the design. "Does it have a meaning? Or you just saw it in a book and liked it?"

"It's Steltrona," the blonde explains. "She's a legend - a wild horse that roams free whom no one can catch to tame."

"And you wear her like a badge of honor.."

"Because I love her.." Clarke returns the sleepy grin.

"So you've seen her?" those brilliant green eyes watch her, waiting for her answer.

"Yes," she answers.

"And? What was she like?"

"A lot like you, Mowg," the blonde offers, running her fingers through her lover's hair.

*******

They've switched positions now with Lexa laid flat on her back and Clarke laying on her stomach between the brunette's legs with her upper body on top of the girls hips, pelvis, and thighs. Her lover watches her through hooded eyes as she kisses down and across her lower abdomen, stopping just above her well trimmed pubic hair, barely-there pubic hair. She smiles up at Lexa and brings her finger tip up to the girls belly button, trailing down to the point where her lips left off. The shudder of the girl's body under hers makes her giddy.

"You have a little happy trail," Clarke clucks, going over it with her finger tip.

"Hormones. According to Layne I've spent a small fortune on lazer hair removal - including a few places I'd rather not mention. Does it....bother you?" the brunette asks her, adding "The hair, I mean....Because I could shave it off....if you-"

"I like it," the blonde says, placing her lips to the aforementioned area. "I never thought I'd appreciate that sort of thing until now. But everything about you is just so......ugh. I like how your body is so fucking soft and beautiful and yet....toned, rugged and handsome. You're fucking amazing, Lex.."

"I'm not that great, Clarke," the girl blushes.

"You are," she argues with her. Her head moves and she kisses down the skin of Lexa's soft shaft. "You are perfect, you know that? There's not one single part of you that I don't marvel at."

"I feel the same way about you," the brunette breathes out. "I feel like I could explore your body every night and find a new favorite plot of skin each time.."

"You're such a fucking charmer," Clarke giggles. "My little poet."

"Is this....are you going to regret this tomorrow?" Lexa asks her, shyly.

"Regret what?"

"This......us?"

"It's already tomorrow," the blonde smiles, "And I have absolutely no regrets."

  
  
*******

**In Bradenton...**

03:43am - **Griffter:** i don't think i've ever been happier in my life  <3

03:43am - **Griffter:** pretty sure mowgli  & marie are an official item, now ;)

"Who the fuck is-" Layne grumbles, feeling Raven climbing over his back to reach for her phone.

"'s Clarke..." Raven informs him sleepily. "Think her and Mowg are bonding.."

03:44am - **RaverReyes:** congrats. we're waiting for our invitation to the wedding.

"Is that....fuck I can't even think of what I'm trying to say right now," he huffs.

"I know, and yes," the girl agrees with him, "I think they're banging.."

"Fuck," he breathes out into the pillow. "Shit is about to get epicly complicated, isn't it?"

"Probably..." she nods against his shoulder. "But at least they get to be happy for a minute, right?"

They lay there, Raven stretched across her lover's back as his breaths seem to sync with hers. She tries to feel happy for her friend, because she knows how long she's been waiting for this - waiting for the chance to have everything with Lexa. Still, it worries her because it was complicated enough without them acknowledging their mutual growing attachment for each other. The truth could have come out, they'd have argued maybe, and then they could have built off a stronger foundation. But now.....sex complicates things in some ways, and love even more so.

"We should move in together.." she hears him murmur, his words muffled by his pillow.

"What?"

"We should move in together....." he repeats, "You and me, Lex and Clarke. We practically lived at your apartment in Gainesville, anyway. Lexa and I can cook and I can help pay for groceries and utilities and shit."

"Yeah but Gordi, they just got back together. Like literally, just now," she says, placing a kiss to his shoulder blade. "I don't know that they need to rush shit.."

"Rae," he says, turning his head so he can look back at her out of the corner of his eye. "They are undeniable. You realize that, right? This is going to happen, sooner or later. Might as well happen now. Look, I've been thinking. You're suppose to expose people like Lex to....stimuli, I think is the word. Sometime it helps trigger memories and....maybe being with Clarke - all of us being together like old times - it might help her remember, ya know?"

"I guess you have a point but....MamaBear is gonna shit a brick.."

"No, actually I think she'll be happy," he hums. "I mean, yeah, she'll pull that shit about missing her babies but.....she's been talking to Dad about Lex needing to be around Clarke more. She doesn't want her to miss out on any parts of the pregnancy.."

"You think they'll have a boy or girl?" Raven questions, poking at his ribs with her finger.

"Boy," he says, grinning before he continues, "and a girl."

"Twins?" the girl laughs, feeling a rumble erupt from him as well. "Isn't that supposed to skip a generation?"

"Well, sure but still....when has Mowgli ever followed the rules, nami?"

"I don't know....part of me wants to agree with you," Raven cooes, her hand rubbing down his flank. "But another part of me thinks twins might be too much to handle..."

"Trial by fire, babe," Layne smirks. "It's Lexa's specialty."

  



	5. Rock the Boat

**A week later...**

They're all out on Layne's boat, lounging and fishing, as Raven complains about not being able to catch anything because _'Mowgli here keeps calling upon her fucking ancestors to help her cheat!'_ Weekends are Clarke's favorite time because it means she gets to spend more time with Lexa - more than what little time they spend when the girls come over to the Woods' for dinner a few nights during the week. This past week was different, though. Lexa had practically taken up residence at the apartment - she cooked meals and would often bring Clarke lunch during the day while she was at school. At night, Lexa would sit and watch the blonde sketch or paint, sometimes even volunteer to be her model or canvas if needed. Sure, Clarke had been nervous leaving Lexa to her own devices in the apartment. But she'd come home one day to a spotless apartment, her laundry washed and hung up as well as her sheets being washed and put back on. On Wednesday she came home to find out Raven was already with Layne on an 'all-night date' and Lexa already had a warm bath prepared for the both of them. Despite what Clarke was afraid of, their budding romance was not actually filled with nothing but sex. The sex was good - hell, it was phenomenal - but the brunette was a big fan of quality time and for them that meant things like Lexa rubbing lotion on her after a shower or bath or painting her fingernails and toenails while Clarke would read whatever book Lexa was interested in at the time. In the span of a week, they had managed to slip into habits that were eerily similar to how they had been with each other before.

Right now, celebrating her birthday morning on the water with a few of her favorite people, she's positioned herself on the cushioned bench beside the door to the cabin with her sketchbook out. She works on a sketch of Lexa who's standing directly in front of her, fishing off the right side of the back of the boat. She bites her lip in concentration as she tries to get the details of the brunette's smile just right, and she blushes when she looks up to see the object of her affections staring at her. The girl quickly snaps her head back to focus on her fishing line in the water, but Clarke can see the beginning of a blush on her face as well. _She's so fucking adorable._

The boat rocks back and forth and she watches as Lexa reels in an empty line, deciding to call it a day while Raven and Layne try a few more. She flips the cover of her sketchbook back over the pages and follows the brunette into the small cabin. 

"So, you gonna give me my birthday spankings now or later?" she asks hearing the laugh that follows.

"Are spankings what you want, Clarke?" Lexa quips. "Because I already got your gift and I'd hate to have to return it."

"I'll accept both, thank you." the blonde giggles. "I'm looking forward to getting a birthday kiss tonight, too."

"Oh really?" the girl smirks, "Who are you expecting that from?"

 _You, Asshole._ "Just someone special....you know.."

"And what if they don't kiss you?" the brunette asks, testing the limits. "Will your birthday be ruined, then?"

"It will be sufficiently less enjoyable, yes." Clarke tuts.

"Then I hope they kiss you.." Lexa says as she moves towards her, wrapping her arms around her waist.

"They better," the blonde warns, "Or they definitely won't be reaping the benefits of Birthday Sex."

The brunette surprises her, lifting her onto the small side table just inside the cabin door. "You better watch that mouth of yours, I don't take kindly to threats."

"In that case, maybe I shouldn't even let you kiss me.." Clarke teases her.

Lexa grips her hips, staring into her eyes as she says, "Give me those lips, now.."

"Come here and claim them.."

And she does.

*******

"So, who is this chick anyway?" Raven asks her. "Like, I need to know how to prepare."

They're lounging by the pool, waiting for the twins to get back from a last minute supply run. It was noon already and they were expecting Lexa's friend and ex co-worker, Luna, to arrive within the next hour. She had promised to make the trip and bring Lexa's bike to her. Indra was less than thrilled but the brunette seemed elated when she heard the news. Clarke wasn't sure if she should be worried about her not knowing how to ride it anymore or if she should worry that she'd take right to it and start trying to show off. 

"Chill, Rae. She's Lexa's friend." Clarke offers. "They used to work together. She's got a break between work and she wanted to come see her so....it just happened to fall on this weekend."

"They're just friends?" the black-haired girl questions, eyebrows quirked. "No hanky-panky I need to be watching for? I'll be the PDA police....I don't care."

"PDA police?" the blonde giggles. "Really?"

"Hell yeah, Griffin! Hands up where I can see 'em!" Raven teases.

"That sounds more bank-robber than cop, Bonnie," she quips.

"Old habits die hard, Clyde." her friend jokes. "By the way, home-girl does know this is a costume party, right?? Bitch can't be the only one not dressed up. Visitor or not, it's no excuse."

"Rae, trust me when I say I'm sure her costume is going to be about a thousand times better than both of ours combined." Clarke corrects. "She does wardrobe for a living.."

"What the fuck?? That's no fair!"

"Yeah, but she's bringing my bae's costume with her, too." the blonde explains. "That's how this whole visit got decided anyway. Lex posted a status on Facebook saying she needed a costume and couldn't think of anything. Thus, Luna responded saying she had just the thing. She won't even give me a hint as to what it is."

"I said it before and I'll say it again....Mowgli is a cheater." Raven grumbles. "Guess we're cancelling the costume contest. We could always do a Wet T-shirt contest instead? WAIT! What's the male equivalent of that, you think? Drenched Drawers?"

"What the fuck are you talking about right now?" Clarke asks her, brows furrowed and nose scrunched.

"I'm talking about seeing some cock-a-doodle-do outlines, Clarke. Equality, my dude. What are YOU talking about?"

"Absolutely not, Rae! There will be No, _I REPEAT - NO_ dicks on display, do you hear me?"

"Okay, party-pooper, it's not like the anacondas won't be caged, jeez." the Latina rolls her eyes, "But just so we're clear, is that also a 'No' on the tits? Because you'd be getting quite a sight either way, here, I mean Lex-"

"RAVEN!" Clarke stops her.

"ALRIGHT!" the girl relents. "No slippery nips or slick dicks, GOT IT, BirthdayBatch! We're still doing oil wrestling, though, right? Because Lincoln said O has been practicing and she's gonna be PISSED if that's cancelled. I worry for his well-being, Clarkey-"

*******

The twins return from the store just in time as a huge truck pulls up with a trailer in tow. When the driver's side door opens and she sees the woman stepping down off the side step, Clarke is shocked at just how beautiful she is. She's older than them - early 30's Clarke would guess - but she's in amazing shape and her skin is so smooth and tan and her hair is short, just above the shoulders, and sassy. She's gorgeous and the blonde even catches her best friend staring, eyeing the woman up and down with her mouth gone slack.

"Close your mouth, Raven," Clarke teases.

"On a scale of 1-10, how weird would it be....if me and Gordi took that bitch to bed tonight?" the girl questions. "I mean, seriously, look at her!"

"No shaming coming from over here, Rae," the blonde says with her hands up. "You and Uno do you. Keep your paws and hers off of Mowgli and we're good."

"Deal!" her roommate agrees as she slowly makes her way forward, towards the twins and their guest. "I gotta tell Layne. Gati is hungry, Griffin. Gotta feed the beast! GRRR!!"

"I'm just gonna introduce myself before she pounces, then. In case I don't get a chance afterwards."

Clarke watches as Lexa interacts with Luna. They don't seem overly friendly and there's really no indication that the brunette even remembers her close friendship with the other woman. As the blonde approaches, she notices Luna's eyes focus on her. Before she has a chance to say anything, the woman meets her mid-stride and pulls her into a hug.

"I know who you are," she tells her. "And it is sooooo good to finally meet you."

"You've heard about me?" Clarke whispers to her, hoping not to draw Lexa's attention.

"Of course I have," Luna tells her with the brightest smile across her face. "Lexa was at my place the first time she got a text from you. As well as the second."

"Oh," the blonde nods in recognition. "So....you know the real story, then. I guess that probably doesn't paint me in the greatest light.."

"Please, I'm not a stranger to the 'thirst text', Clarke." the woman smirks. "Though I usually find myself on the receiving end, I have been known to be quite forward when I'm really feelin' maself."

"Ah. Well then, Luna, since we're being honest here, my best friend is probably going to try and hit on you at some point this evening. And while I have to admit she's hot, she also has a boyfriend so.....you'd effectively be saying yes to both of them. Just a fair warning, in case-"

"Ooh, she sounds delightful." Luna shoots her a sultry grin. "What's her name so I know who to look out for?"

"I'll do you one better," Clarke holds her finger out, pointing towards Raven. "That's her right there. My best friend and roommate, Raven Reyes."

"She's dating Lexa's brother?" the woman asks.

"Yeah," the blonde winces. "I _might_ should have mentioned that as well.."

"Oh, no, honey it's not a problem." Luna laughs. "I've had my eye on him for a while, now. Lex had given me the go-ahead but I could never seem to coordinate my free-time with hers so I could come home with her and make my move. I guess the tides have changed in that respect."

"I shouldn't be worried about you stealing him away from my friend, should I?"

"Not at all," the woman hums. "I'm an equal opportunity lover. Good things come to those who wait, Clarke. Even better things come to those who wait ready to seize the opportunity when it presents itself."

"I think you and Raven might just be soulmates." Clarke chuckles. "And by the way, just a few parting words of wisdom, here: Gati likes a firm hand. Remember that."

"Duly noted." Luna nods as she embarks on her mission.

"You ready for tonight?"

Clarke hadn't noticed Lexa sneaking up beside her, and the brunette's voice makes her jump. "I am. I'm sad I haven't seen your costume yet, though..."

"It's a surprise," the girl answers, offering her a wink.

"Will it coordinate with mine?" she blonde questions her. "Madge is a hard vibe to match.."

"Guess you'll have to wait and see," Lexa says as she leans closer, her lips barely hovering over Clarke's ear. "It may just have you feeling...' _Like a Virgin...touched for the very first time.._ '

The brunette continues to sing softly as she makes her way down the hall, towards her room, leaving Clarke in the living room with a dopey smile plastered across her face.

*******

It takes forever to get dressed and get her make-up and hair just right. Channeling Madonna is a challenge Clarke is starting to be weary of but Raven keeps shooting her glances, making panting noises, and fanning herself. She hopes Lexa will like it as much if not more, but she's even more anxious to see what the brunette's wearing. The only problem is that the three L-migos (Lexa, Luna, and Layne) have been holed up in Layne's room for at least 2 hours. Raven has tried to steal a peak or two but Luna seems to make it a habit to stand in front of the brunette so she cannot be viewed before it's time.

Finally, Layne walks out into the living room looking like a slightly smaller version of Vin Diesel with hair. He and Raven had decided on being Dom and Leti from Fast and Furious and they really had gone all out but she REFUSED to let him truly commit and shave off his curls. Her argument was ' _What will I grab onto to hold his head where I want it?_ '. Luna walks out next donning an exact replica of Kate Beckinsale's outfit from Underworld and it would be impossible for anyone to deny her 'curves in all the right places' physique.

Just then, a flash of golden tan skin and crazy brunette curls rounds the corner and Clarke's mouth drops.

Standing before her is Lexa in nothing but a loin cloth skirt, it appears. Her hair is loose but pulled back a bit and held out of her face by intricate little braids weaving in and out of each other. Large sections of her wild brown locks are pulled down over both sides of her all-but-naked chest, barely covering her breasts and the teeny tiny nude pasties that Luna used to adorn them. She has dark paint on her face - from one temple across to the other, only a small strip of tan skin left running down her nose, both sides seeming to melt into her hairline. It creates the effect of a mask over her eyes, with three evenly spaced points dragging farther down her cheeks. She struts down the hall and stops to stand directly in front of Clarke, and the blonde can see that the cloth leaves a fraction of her hips exposed - nothing but a thin strip of fabric hugging those hipbones - and she's wearing the bare minimum amount of covering underneath. She looks the part. Her entire costume screams savage and every single drop of moisture has left Clarke's mouth and is now pooled between her thighs.

_Heda. Take. Me. Now._

"I present to you - Badass, Post-Apocalyptic, Gender-fucked Mowgli. Whatcha think Material Girl?" Luna asks the blonde as Raven hoots from across the room.

"You, madam," Clarke begins, still looking a little shell-shocked, "are worth every goddamn penny they're paying you.."

"I'll be sure to charge more from now on, then," the woman jests, giving her a gentle slap on the shoulder as she whispers, "Try not to tear the skirt off of her, it's actually a prop for a set I'll be working on shortly. And no grinding, unless she changes into shorts later on in the evening, please. That thin ass material, while layered, is really only meant to help the dragon be hidden, not hold it back, okay? Play nice, birthday girl!"

_Yeah, not a fucking chance._

"Hey there," Lexa says, a shy smile tugging at her lips. "You gonna save me a dance tonight?"

"Can you dance in that outfit without showing off the goods?"

"Why?" the brunette smirks. "Can't get any business if you don't advertise."

And that is about all that Clarke can take. She leans in, snaking her arm around her lover's waist. With one hand, she lifts her phone and directs Lexa to smile as she snaps a picture of the two of them.

She turns her face towards the girl's ear, licking the shell of it and whispering a husky ' _Might as well shut it down now, Mowgli. You are mine._ '

*******

The party is in full swing and most everyone, with the exception of Clarke, has quite a buzz building. Lexa has smiled at her from across the room a couple times, but they haven't had much time to talk. Octavia and Lincoln - dressed as King Leonidas and Queen Gorgo - are currently apologizing for Harper's absence and congratulating her on the 'bun in her oven'. O keeps asking when she'll know if its a boy or girl because she needs to _'go ahead and start stocking up on gifts, duh!_ ' Clarke can't stop laughing until Bellamy - a newly single Bellamy, dressed like Perseus from 'Clash of the Titans' complete with a sword and a tiny Pegasus plush - comes sauntering up to her, throwing his arm around her waist from behind and pulling her into his body.

"Bel, what the hell are you doing?" she gasps.

"I just wanted to say hey, and Happy Birthday." he breathes onto her ear.

"Okay well...now that you've said it, can you back up?" the blonde says as she tries to push him back. "The smell of alcohol on your breath is making me nauseated.."

"How bout I brush my teeth and then resume this position, then?"

"Bel, I-"

"This must be him..." she hears the brunette's voice and turns to see those green eyes locked on her.

"Depends on what you've heard," Bellamy pipes up. "But probably."

 _Goddammit Bel, you couldn't have picked a worse time._ "Lexa, it's not-"

"Well, it's nice to meet you," the girl sticks out her hand, waiting for the boy to take it. Her jaw is clenched and Clarke can see her nostrils flaring.

"I'm guessing you're...pleased.." she grits out, waiting for him to take her hand. Which he does with a devilish drunk-grin on his face.

"Couldn't be happier." he smirks as he shakes her hand and then releases it.

Clarke can't read the look that shifts across Lexa's face, but it doesn't matter because she's gone just as quickly as she appeared and now the blonde is left with a drunk douche hanging on her. A drunk douche who probably has NO idea that he just called himself her baby-daddy.

"Bellamy," she pushes, "Get the fuck off me. You're drunk and I'm not interested, okay? And please just....don't speak to Lexa for the rest of the evening. Just do me that favor."

"What did I say, Clarke? I thought I was being charming, debonair.." he says putting his hands in the air. "Was I oozing too much charisma or...??"

"Bel, please cease your alcohol consumption and keep your hands off me, _especially_ in front of her. You know our history and we just patched things up. And _now_ she thinks you're my fucking baby-daddy-"

"Ha," he laughs. "I could be.."

"God you're an ass, Bellamy." she huffs as she leaves him standing there.

  
*******

When Clarke finds Lexa again, she's already changed out of her costume and into shorts and a cut-out tank - but she's still wearing her mask of black paint across her face. _Unff!_ The brunette is enjoying herself out on the patio in the sea of people - dancing to some Marc Anthony song that got mingled into Raven's 'Epic Throwback Dance Party Mix' - with her hands all over Tris. The way Lexa dances salsa makes the blonde's mouth dry and there's something about the dance that Clarke can't stand. Mostly likely it's because it means that Tris is that close to the her. Yes, she knows that the girls are just friends and she knows that Tris isn't into Lexa like that but still, jealousy is a wild beast - she'd seen that in Lexa tonight as well. It does amaze her, however, that the girl still remembers how to dance like that - that her body can recall and piece together such fluid movements. Once the song changes, the 90's song 'Return of the Mack' by Mark Morrison playing over the speakers, she decides it's time to take what's hers. 

"Hey Mowgli," she husks, moving in front of Lexa with her hand with her hand reaching up to the back of the brunette's neck. "You owe the birthday girl a dance."

"Shouldn't you be w-"

"Stop," Clarke whispers in the girl's ear. "Just dance with me."

And just like that, she turns her back to Lexa and reaches to pull those strong arms around her waist. There's no hesitation from the girl after that. Their bodies are practically molded together and Clarke let's her hand reach back and grab the back of Lexa's neck again, pulling her closer and scratching playfully at the baby curls at her nape. The brunette's lips brush over the tip of her ear and her breath is hot on the blonde's neck. She can hear her lover's breath hitch when she grinds her ass back against her - she can feel the bulge growing at the front of Lexa's shorts. The signature low growl makes her knees weak and the accompanying breathy groan of ' _Fuck, Clarke_ ' as the girl's hips buck forward makes her hungry for the taste of the brunette's mouth. She doesn't want to wait anymore. She wants this. Hell, she _needs_ this.

She turns to face the girl, rocking her own hips forward so their pelvis' meet as her mouth ghosts over Lexa's. "Your room, 2 minutes."

Backing away, she notices the brunette's eyes are closed and her mouth slightly open until the blonde let's go of her hands. She sees her eyes snap open and her pupils are completely blown and the feeling that washes over her at the sight is almost too much to walk away from. _Fuck yeah, that's my girl! Come and get it, baby!_ But she knows this can't happen here - not in front of everyone. _Bedroom, Clarke._ she tells herself. _Make it to the bedroom and pray to God she follows._

*******

She can hear the song change to Incubus' 'Southern Girl' and when the door to Lexa's room opens she's almost afraid to turn around and have Lexa tell her 'no' - especially after what happened with Bellamy. She doesn't even get the chance to move on her own, though, because the brunette's hands jerk her around and then those pouty pillow lips are on hers. There's no tenderness or tentative fingers exploring soft skin. No, this is pure fire, lapping at her skin where-ever Lexa's touch lands. 

"Lexa, Bellamy's not-" she tries, her words caught in her throat mid moan.

"I don't fucking care," the girl growls, grabbing at her ass and backing her up against the dresser as her teeth scrape at the blonde's neck.

"Lex, I-" she's interrupted by her lover's lips capturing hers again, tongue hungrily devouring each sigh and whimper she offers.

Those hands, they reach to lift her up and set her on top the wooden chest of drawers with her back against the mirror. Her skirt rises up as her legs spread to accommodate Lexa's lower body positioned between them. She can feel the girl's erection, straining against the material of her bermuda shorts, pressed against her center and the contact causes a momentary short circuiting of her brain. The brunette rolls her hips forward and Clarke lets out a gasp that makes the girl bite at her jaw teasingly. Lexa right hand moves between their bodies, to the apex of her thighs, her fingers pressing hard on the blonde's clit. 

"Ah, shit Lex," she moans. "Like that. Just like that, baby..."

Her lover rubs circles around the bundle of nerves, just enough friction to make her cant her hips to meet the touch. She's about to tell her she needs more when the girl's other hand reaches under her skirt as well, both grabbing the band of the tights she's wearing and ripping them at the center in one effortless motion.

"Holy shit!" the blonde breathes out. "That's hot. Fuck, Lex..I'm so wet for y-"

She's cut off by the girl's mouth, again, and she can feel the brunette's hand pulling her panties to the side, fingers exploring the heat and wet folds. "Clarke," the girl rasps against her lips, asking permission.

"Please," Clarke begs and she's immediately given an answer to her plea.

Two of Lexa's fingers slip into her bringing out a guttural noise she didn't expect to let out. She's blushes but the groan only seems to encourage the brunette more as she starts pumping into her faster. Clarke wants to talk - she has a plethora dirty things she wants to say right now - but the way that Lexa adds a third finger and uses her hips to thrust forward as she curls those long slender digits inside her.....the blonde can't seem to form words at all. Her stomach tightens and she feels the pressure building, knowing it's going to be over too fast but totally unable to stop it from happening.

"Fuck, I-I'm gonna cum, Lex.." she pants into the brunette's mouth. "Fuck, please don't stop. Anhh!.."

"You're mine!" the brunette rumbles. "You're mine and he can't have you!"

"Yours, Lexa," the blonde manages to get out. "I swear it.."

"Cum for me, Clarke. Scream for me," Lexa orders as she bites the blonde's bottom lip, slamming her fingers into her at a blistering pace, her palm hitting Clarke's clit with each push. "And let everyone know who's making you feel like this."

"Lexa!" she cries out, feeling her body tense up and her walls clench. Her arms instinctively pull the brunette forward as she hides her face against the girl's neck. Her eyes are screwed shut, tearing up both from the physical ecstasy and the emotional release of the moment. Lexa stays close, planting kisses to her neck, cheek, and hair as her fingers coax the blonde down from her high. 

"Fuck," Clarke gasps, taking a deep breath - her own fingers moving lightly along the back of her lover's neck - as she nuzzles against Lexa's jaw. "That was....fuck, you're so amazing. My body is so relaxed but so alight right now..."

Lexa is quiet, her body pressed so closely into Clarke's as if she's willing herself to melt into her. She can feel how her chest moves, her uneven breathing, and the blonde can feel tense she is - how taught her muscles are, straining as if she's fighting not to explode.

"Hey," she whispers into her lover's hair, "Where'd you go?"

"I'm right here.." the girl answers her, but her words are shaky and Clarke can read her like an open book.

"Talk to me, Lex. What's going on in your head?"

"I don't know.." the brunette whispers, shaking her head against Clarke's collarbone. "I....I'm sorry if I hurt you..."

"You didn't baby," the blonde reassures her, kissing the top of her head and bringing hand up into the brunette's curly locks. "You were perfect. The way you handle me.....my body just responds to you like you were made to do those things to me..."

But Lexa doesn't respond to that and Clarke knows that something is wrong. She can tell that the girl's confidence is wavering, her command of the situation falters and the blonde needs to find a way to amp her up again.

"You know, we're about to walk back out there and....your warpaint has probably rubbed off on me," she smiles against the girl's hairline. "They're going to know what we were doing..they're going to know that you just took me - right here, in your room with everyone out there, because you didn't want to wait. I bet that makes you feel good, doesn't it Lex? Knowing that I'm marked by you.."

The brunette doesn't answer verbally, but her lips pressed against Clarke's pulse point speak her agreement. The blonde's hand travels down to her lover's shorts, unbuttoning and unzipping to reach inside. 

"Let me take care of you, Lex.." she tells her as she pushes the girl back and lowers herself off the top of the dresser. "Don't hold back, babe, there's plenty more time tonight.."

2 minutes later, Lexa is grunting and her cum is spurting onto the back of the blonde's throat. 

*******

They party winds down and she and Lexa walk outside to say goodnight as Octavia, Lincoln, Bellamy, Raven, Layne, and Luna all pile into the hotel's Shuttle van that Indra and Gus made sure to supply so there would be no drunk driving after the festivities. Clarke finds out from a very drunk Raven that she and Uno were invited back to Luna's room for the evening. She congratulates Raven, and Gati, on the conquest and issues a warning about safe sex which Raven laughs at, pulling out a pocketful of condoms.

The Latina had been the first person, naturally, to comment on Clarke and Lexa's disheveled state as they emerged from the brunette's bedroom earlier in the evening. She also hadn't let the the smudges of Mowgli's warpaint go unnoticed. She and O had teased the shit out of the blonde about grabbing a quickie during her party, while Layne patted his sister on the back while chuckling about how she couldn't wait to give Clarke her 'present'. The blush across the girl's face was soon replaced with a grin and a smug shift of her shoulders and head like she was daring anyone to question her about it. Clarke had had to remove her tights before going back out to the party, but she'd made a mental note that wearing tights in the bedroom might be something worth trying again at a later date. 

As their friends are making their way into the van, a red Beamer pulls into the driveway. The blonde recognizes the vehicle - Costia. As if on cue, the driver's side door opens and the woman makes her appearance. Lexa, thankfully, is on the other side of the van giving Luna a hug and hasn't noticed the black-haired girl approaching. Just the way she carries herself screams arrogance and Clarke can't stand the sight of her. She doesn't stop to talk to the blonde, she's smarter than that, and instead chooses to walk inside to collect Tris.

Clarke hears Raven yell for her and she sees Luna waving her over. They hug and Luna tells her 'Happy Birthday' again and promises that tomorrow they'll take Lex's bike out for a spin. She giggles thinking about being on the back of that bike, arms wrapped around her girl's waist, as they speed down the street. Raven seems to have thought about that as well, as she asks if she can expect a ride, too. The next thing she hears is a shock as Layne teases his girlfriend by grabbing her thigh telling her ' _I got something you can ride_ ' as they both laugh. _Alcohol_ , she muses, _it's the liquid Hakuna Matata - it means no worries.._

They shut the doors and the van disappears out the driveway but the red BMW is still there. Lexa grabs her hand to lead her inside and almost as soon as they step into the kitchen, Tris pulls Clarke into a hug.

"Indra just told me!" the girl gushes as she steps back again. "I'm so excited for you!"

The blonde expects Lexa to pull away, the conversation bringing up the issue of the baby's paternity and the incident with Bel. She doesn't. The brunette's arm protectively wraps around her middle - instinctively her palm moves over the small bump forming there. Clarke has grown so much more comfortable with Lexa's hand being there, something inside her hoping that her lover can feel the connection between them.

"Thank you," she replies. "I'm pretty happy, too."

"How far along are you?" Tris asks, "You're barely showing."

"3 months," Clarke answers. "Tentative due date set for beginning of April."

"You hoping for a boy or girl?" the auburn-haired girl questions.

"Either. I'll be happy either way."

"'s gonna be one helluva'n attractive kid," Tris giggles, "I mean...when they're 18 I'll be...what, 42? That's prime cougar age-"

"Oh, shof op!" Indra interrupts. "You keep your hands out of my grandchild's cradle."

"Yeah yeah," she says, with her hands in the air. "Nou meikas ona fyucha-de. Ai gad'em."

Clarke can see the strained look on Costia's face as her eyes stare at the brunette whose front is pressed to Clarke's back. She wants to be upset - she wants to yell at her to find somewhere else to focus her gaze - but Lexa's lips against the back of her neck snap her out of her growing rage. Her words are soft, ' _I'm going to start the bath._ ' It's a message Clarke receives loud and clear as she excuses the both of them, following her lover to the bathroom. She can hear faint murmurs of ' _Goodnight_ ' and ' _Leidon!_ ' as the door closes and shortly after, headlights gleam in the bathroom window as Costia's car pulls out of the driveway.

*******

  
The bathtub is just big enough for the both of them to fit. Mobility is limited, but it doesn't matter as Lexa uses the sponge to wash her legs, ankles and feet - tickling her the slightest bit on occasion. When she's done, Clarke uses the sponge to do the same for the brunette before placing herself in the girl's lap where they can both wash arms and chests and faces. Lexa steals kisses every chance she gets - lips, cheek, jaw, breasts, everywhere that's accessible to her. The blonde does the same as she bathes her lover, both of them whispering appreciation for each others skin and curves and body construction.

After they've dried off and dressed, ready for bed, Lexa walks over to her dresser to get something from the back of the top drawer. It's a small black box and she carries it to Clarke with a nervous upturn at the corner of her mouth.

"I hope you like it," she says. "It's not much but I wanted to get you something.."

When Clarke opens the box, she wants to cry. It's a necklace. A beautiful, gold heart locket with a small diamond placed in the center. _It's perfect, just like her._

"I put a picture of us in there but....I thought maybe you'd want to put a picture of the baby later," her lover informs her. "The diamond, it's the birthstone for April....but...I mean if you have it early then...it's just a diamond I guess. I mean, girls like diamonds, ri-"

The blonde doesn't let her finish, grabbing hold of the back of the girl's neck to bring her forward and crash their lips together. Lexa sets the box on the nightstand, her mouth never leaving Clarke's, as she moves her body to follow her further onto the bed. No clothes are removed and their hands stay above the waist, holding onto shoulders and dragging through hair. They stay that way, blanketing each other's faces and necks with kisses, each girl enjoying the simple closeness of the other's body. Clarke feels Lexa's eyelashes tickling her cheek, she feels her lips on her jaw and then just under her ear. The blonde turns her head closer, her own lips ghosting over the brunette's ear as she whisper, ' _I love you, Lexa_.' The girl's lips never stop their assault as she breathes an almost echo onto her neck.

"I love you, too, Clarke. I think....I think I always have..."

  



	6. Capsize

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The last section (in Italics) is all Lexa's POV.

  


The van ride from the Woods' to the hotel wasn't long but cramped in a vehicle with a ridiculously drunk Bellamy who was still pissing and moaning about Gina and her 'needs' - it was just too damn much. Lincoln tried unsuccessfully to calm him, using phrases like ' _time heals all_ ' and ' _plenty of fish in the sea_ ' to which Layne added a very enthusiastically bellowed ' _Yeah man, plenty of fish_ ,' before pointing to Raven and saying ' _But this one right here is my fish, bro. Don't fuck with my fish_.' Octavia had threatened to kill both Gina and Bellamy in the span of the 10 or 15 minutes it took to get from the house on the beach to the drive-thru canopy at the entry of the hotel and once they got to the front desk, she issued another threat on Bellamy's manhood if he disturbed her sleep with his incessant whining. The three of them filed out of the elevator on the 6th floor while Raven, Layne, and Luna stayed on board until the 9th floor where Luna's king-sized suite was located.

They made it inside and got their shoes off when Raven decided now was the time to initiate the conversation about rules and regulations, safety precautions, and other necessary disclosures before the 'body party' got started.

"Okay responsible adult talk here," Raven says waving her hands in front of her, drawing the attention of the other two participants. "Gordi and I are clean, tested last month."

"Clean," Luna announces, "2 months ago. No sex since then so.."

"Oh good Lord. How have you not wasted away?? Seriously?! I can't...wow. Sorry, Anyways, important distinction to be made here. Gordi and I are a couple open to trying things - not looking to add a third person," Raven tells her, addressing the potentially uncomfortable situation that might ensue after this play-time takes place. "This is fine on a sexual level, but I'm his and he's mine so if that is going to be a problem or if you're thinking this might result in some type of poly partnership, not going to happen and we should cut this off now."

"'m not looking for a relationship," the older woman says, elaborating after a minute. "Just got out of a relationship and I'm really just looking to let loose in a safe environment. I was in an open relationship of sorts, before. I mean, not really.. _open_ open - we were committed to each other - but we did pursue sexual pleasures with other people on occasions. We were each other's home-base, but we were also each into certain things that the other didn't feel comfortable with so we would sometimes seek out other people who could do what we needed. With each other's permission, of course."

"What happened?" Layne asks.

"She cheated," the woman states without even a hint of sadness, "which might seem impossible in an open relationship but....we were supposed to be transparent about everything. We always communicated our needs to each other, and we introduced each other to potential 'play partners' just to keep each other in the loop. We were supposed to be.....comfortable - have that mutual trust, you know? And....then I found out she was doing things behind my back.......A LOT of things.....with A LOT of people. So, I ended it. It was messy because I found some things out that I...really didn't need to know. But I moved out and moved on, which is kind of why I needed to bring Lexa's bike here because....I don't have much room for it anymore. Anyways, I got tested to make sure I didn't have anything, just in case..."

"Fuck, I'm sorry, yo. What a fucking bitch?! Smart choice, though, on your part - ending things and shit, I mean." Raven nods.

"Thanks. But that's why I'm just....needing to have some fun, ya know? And I feel comfortable enough with the both of you to...let that happen without worrying.."

"You're safe with us. Trust me. Oh, and that brings us to the next question: Birth control. I have an implant, but Gordi also wraps."

"Awesome. I'm chipped as well," Luna says, rubbing her arm. "Emergency purposes, you know?"

"Of course," Raven chirps, with a shrug of her shoulders. "Moving along to dynamics and consent. I'm a convertible - I can do just about anything and I enjoy playing any role desired. Babe here is like Play-Doh - easily mold-able."

Her boyfriend chuckles and then nods his affirmation. Luna smirks and holds her hand to her chest. "Hi, I'm Luna and I'm a Kama Sutra Chameleon."

"Fuck yassssss!" Raven grins at her, turning to her boyfriend with an approving gaze. "So, everybody's all-in for the debauchery that is about to go down? Anyone have any lines not to be crossed - anything you specifically want to try? Speak now.."

"I'm in," Layne pipes up. "Anything goes for me, as you know babe. Punching, slapping, scratching, biting, hair-pulling - all good, just don't punch me in the face. Slapping is permitted if not welcomed, but no punching."

"Do fingers scare you?" Luna asks him, with a scarily sincere look of concern on her face. "I'm super handsy so if I grab your ass are you gonna be jumpy? I don't want you living in fear that I'm gonna take your booty.."

"Like I said," the male twin repeats with a wink, "Anything goes for me." 

"We're all about equality," his girlfriend hums, turning to the other woman. "So if your finger dips a little too low, prepare thyself for reciprocity."

"Ooh, Lord," Luna blushes, "Okay, fuck it, I'm game."

"Are you sure? Do you have any more questions? Concerns? Kinks?" Layne asks.

"Yes, no, no, and definitely. But tonight I just want go with the flow and get off as many times as humanly possible. How we accomplish that is up to you. Surprise me."

"Match made in heaven, right here," Raven praises, throwing her hands up to the gods whispering a quiet ' _thank you_.'

  
*******

Clarke wakes up with Lexa's front molded against her back and her arm thrown over her middle. She hates to move her but the need to relieve the ache of fullness in her bladder trumps the brunette's comfort. She moves the girl's arm and tries to crawl out of bed as she feels a hand grip her wrist and she looks back to see a very shaken Lexa searching over her features.

"I'm coming right back, baby," she soothes her, leaning in to press a kiss to her lover's lips. "I just need to pee. Go back to sleep, I'll be back before you know it."

The brunette doesn't fight, loosening her hold and laying her head back down on the pillow as she watches Clarke rise from the bed and leave the room. The blonde was right, her girlfriend is knocked out by the time she comes back but a light across the room catches her attention. Lexa's phone is resting on her computer desk and the screen is lit up. Curiosity takes hold as she moseys over to view the message preview.

  
**Costia** _(1 minute ago)_  
I miss you, little mutant  <3

 **Costia** _(2 minutes ago)_  
I know you're busy tonight, but maybe another night we can get together.

 **Costia** _(3 minutes ago)_  
Hey Lexie! Sorry we didn't get to talk tonight. I liked your warpaint. I thought about sneaking in your window again to tell you  >.<

  
She knows it's wrong - hell, she knows she's probably going to regret it - but Lexa doesn't have a passcode on her phone and....Clarke can't help herself. She unlocks the screen and goes to the messages, clicking on the string between her lover and Costia. She scrolls up, noting that the woman sends Mowgli selfies - cute ones, silly ones, and some that are less than innocent. She notes that Lexa doesn't reply to most of them, only occasionally sending a reply like ' _Get back to work, Costco_ ' or ' _Careful, your face is gonna get stuck like that._ ' What does catch her eye in an offish way is a message from Costia, sent on the Friday morning before Lexa spent the night at the apartment, and the reply from the brunette doesn't make her feel any better.

  
10:33am - **Costia:** Last night was fun, little mutant  <3 We should definitely do it again sometime.

10:37am - **Lexa:** Yeah, it was nice. Hit me up when you feel like you're ready for another go.

10:38am - **Costia:** Won't be as easy on you next time, though. Just a heads up. ;)

10:45am - **Lexa:** Bite me.

10:46am - **Costia:** Gladly, just tell me when and where.

  
There was no reply after that. Just selfie after selfie and one word replies from Lex - things like ' _Loser_ ' which followed a picture of Costia in a pair of skimpy jean shorts, a sweatshirt, and a weird pair of sunglasses with one of those large spiraled lollipops in front of her mouth and her tongue sticking out. Or, something more like ' _#totesjelly_ ' in response to a selfie with the woman gobbling up some jalapeno cheddar fries.

But even still, the thought of what the messages before those meant - the ones about a 'fun night' and 'another go' - and the possibility that Lexa had hooked up with Costia before being with her. She closes out of the messages, locking the screen and walking back to the side of the bed. She watches as her lover sleeps, thinking about whether the brunette misses her body heat or if the girl doesn't even realize she's gone anymore. She walks around to the other side of the bed, taking in the sight of Lexa's face - her brows furrowed and her lips pushed out into a cute little pout. She attempts to ease into the bed, hoping not to cause the sleeping beauty to stir, but it doesn't work and a muscular arm reaches out to pull her close - eyes still shutting out the world around them.

There's an instant grin that finds its away across the brunette's face and her contented little hum is almost enough to make Clarke forget about everything else but this moment. Almost. She places a kiss to the girl's full lips, a second to the tip of her nose, and the third and fourth she places directly on the brunette's closed eyes hearing a sweet sigh in reply to her show of affection. When she moves back to take in Lexa's face again, she sees those pouty lips pushed out in a pucker - an invitation she can't turn down. It's timid at first, careful to avoid the perils of 'sleep breath' but her lover has other plans and soon deepens the kiss as her hand travels from the blonde's back to her ass, grabbing and kneading at her flesh.

"Lex," Clarke stops her, pulling back. "Can we talk for a sec?"

"Mmm," Lexa grunts, eyes closed and nose scrunched. _My little caveman,_ the blonde thinks.

"Baby, I need you to open your eyes and look at me. Please."

"I will open my eyes for 5 minutes, but you owe me 10 kisses for each minute my eyes stay open," the girl tries to negotiate, her voice rough with sleep. "We're talking 50 kisses...minimum.." 

Clarke kisses her lips once in agreement and when Lexa does open her eyes, she finds blue orbs watching her - waiting for her to nod that she's awake enough to proceed. "Your time starts now. Any extra time will cost you double kisses, Clarke."

_Oooh, big threats there, Commander, haha._

"What's going on with you and Costia?" _Smooth. Way to cut right to the chase, Griffin._

"She's a friend. Why?" the brunette answers.

"Is that all? Nothing else?" Clarke prods, trying to get straight to the truth.

"That is all."

"Why is she sneaking in your window?" The question gets out before she means it to, and now all she feels is embarrassment and the need to apologize. "I'm sorry, I.....saw your messages-"

"Okay. And? I don't care that you saw them. I have nothing to hide from you, Clarke," the girl responds.

"Then why are you sneaking some girl in your window???" she presses her. "The night before we....the night before you stayed with me. You spent the night with her-"

"No I didn't," Lexa argues, shaking her head. "I went running. I had told her I wanted to go running at 2 am because nobody would be out to bother me. She showed up tapping at my window while I was getting ready. She asked if she could come."

"Running? You went...running??" _Not the type of physical exertion I was thinking.._

"Yes," the brunette nods. "We went running along the beach. I beat her and she said it was because she let me win. Kept telling me she wanted a rematch. Clarke, I didn't spend the night with her or visa versa.."

"I-I could go running with you..." Clarke offers, shyly. _My legs will hate me for it later, but...I mean...it's better than the alternative._

"I would like that. But we live a half hour from each other, so that seems highly impractical to expect that from you. You have school and you need your rest. I wouldn't ask you to give that up for me, Clarke."

"Well but...on the weekends we could. If you wanted...." the blonde mutters. "I'm not as athletic as you....or her. But, I would like to go with you."

"You are so adorable, I swear to God," Lexa giggles. "You don't have to compete with or be worried about anyone else, dollface. You are the only one I want. I promise you that."

"I don't want to be so insecure about you hanging out with her but-"

"Hey, pretty girl, listen to the words coming out of my mouth. I will always choose you. No contest. I have wanted this for as long as I've known you, and a choice between you and someone or something else is no choice at all. Because it will always be you. Okay? If me running with her or texting her makes you uncomfortable, then I won't do it. I want you to trust me.. It's important that we trust each other.."

  
_God, I'm so fucking scared you're going to hate me when you find out the truth...._

  
  
*******

It's a good thing Luna's hotel room is floors away from her friends, because Raven is enjoying herself - thoroughly. And the thought of Bellamy or Octavia hearing her, let alone Lincoln, makes her blush uncontrollably. She's never been shy when talking about sex but actually being witnessed in the act...slightly different beast. She's currently 2 fingers deep in Luna, with her mouth licking and sucking the woman's perky nipples as Layne takes her from behind. They're already on Round 2 and she's not counting orgasms or anything but...both she and Luna have had quite a few with Layne only having had 1. If there's one thing to be said for him and his performance, it's that he's got the stamina of a Spartan warrior when it comes to the bedroom and though she was worried about him when they first decided to embark on this adventure, she's positive now that it's done nothing but boost his confidence knowing his endurance is nothing short of legendary.

"Fuck," Luna curses, her legs quivering as one hand pulls at Raven's hair. "Así, Raven. Así."

"I got you ma," the girl assures her, between groans. "This-This has all just been the warm-up. Fuck! Oh, Shit! I....I think you're ready for the g-grand finale."

The younger Latina uses her other hand to tap her lover's left quad twice, signalling him to pullout and re-position. It was a system they had worked out before (mostly in case either or both of their mouths were busy) - 1 pop for ' _Slow down_ ', 2 taps for ' _Re-position/Regroup_ ', and 3 or more for ' _STOP! HAULT! NO MAS!_ ' It worked well for them and tonight was no different. Layne backed up, pulling out and letting Raven spin around over Luna's body so that her center was positioned over the woman's face. She motions for him to come closer, removing her fingers to allow him access. Luna gasps at his size when he pushes into her, but quickly wraps her lips around Raven's clit - releasing only to moan deliciously as she laps greedily at the girl's wetness. Raven pulls her boyfriend in for a kiss, letting him taste the new flavor covering her lips. He moans and growls at the taste, licking her lips and tugging at them as his thrusts become harder and deeper.

"SHIT!" the older woman cries out to the heavens. "Oh Fuck yeah, like that. Mas duro Papi, mas duro! Por favor! Cógeme!"

"Like this ma?" he asks, his gravelly voice making both women shiver.

Layne gives her a few quick, short thrusts, bottoming out in a particularly violent one which causes her to bite at Raven's clit sending the girl into a very unexpected but entirely welcomed orgasm.

"Oh my fuc-" Raven barely gets out, almost choking on her own tongue. "OOOHHhhhhh shit! Yes!! Oh fuck!"

Luna continues to lick as the younger girl rides the waves before pulling away from the hungry mouth beneath her. She shifts her body off of Luna and moves around behind her lover, smacking his ass as she leans into him.

"Pay attention, Papi. Fuck her like you mean it," she teases, licking his ear lobe. "Don't mind me.."

Her left hand moves around his body, fingers seeking out Luna's straining clit and finding their target with very little direction. She rubs her - the tips of her fingers making fast circles around the tiny bud.

"Anh, fuck," she hears the woman whimper in appreciation, "F-fuck I'm so close..oh my God! Don't stop!"

And that is the moment Raven slips a finger from her right hand into her mouth, coating it in saliva, before reaching to slide it between her man's ass cheeks. She doesn't give him time to think about it before she's pushing into his tight hole, and when his hips falter and his movements become messy - uncoordinated - she knows that he's about to burst.

"Ay! Ah, fuck mami! I-"

"You like that? That's right, babe, let me fuck you for a change," Raven whispers to him, biting his trap muscle. "You can give me what's coming to me later..."

At that, he loses it - leaning over and pumping wildly, grunting as Luna gasps under him.

"Oh shit, I'm-I'm cumming. Fuck yes! Don't stop!" the woman howls, reveling in both Layne's assault on her insides as much as Raven's fingers drawing geometrical patterns across her throbbing clit sending her into ecstasy.

"AH FUCK! Shit," Layne growls as his orgasm follows, his body seizing up and his muscles reeling with release. "Holy shit...soooo fucking good."

  
  


*******

"You know what I was thinking about tonight?" Lexa asks, rubbing her hand over the thin material of the blonde's shirt cover her back.

"You should tell me," Clarke directs with her lips pressed against the hollow of the brunette's throat.

"Indra acts like we're married," the girl chuckles. "It's been a week and she's already making plans for our future. She's been looking at cribs and talking to Gus about setting up a nursery here. She keeps calling the baby her 'grandchild', like because you're mine, the baby is too by default or like..association. It's too funny. She's wayyy too excited.."

"Oh." _Fuck, I hate lying to her like this...God, I should just tell her. I should just fucking tell her._

"Hey," her lover says, pulling back a little to make eye contact. "If that makes you uncomfortable, I can tell her to stop. You're under no obligation to indulge in her fantasies, okay?"

"No it's okay, I just-"

"Clarke, listen," Lexa interrupts, "I know I acted inappropriately at the party tonight. Being....hostile about Bellamy, I....I should not have allowed myself to behave that way. And I mean I know that he has a right to be there.....in the baby's life....and, I mean, yours too. If that's what you want. I can set aside my insecurities - I will do everything I can to make sure that you don't feel like you're having to choose-"

"Lex, Bel is not the baby's father." _That's a step - now keep going.._

"But, he..."

"He was drunk," Clarke explains. "He just broke up with Gina and he apparently pre-gamed a little too much and...he was so shit-faced Mowg. He didn't even know what you were talking about. He was being a smart-ass not realizing.."

"So he's not?" the brunette asks, trying to be sure she's hearing correctly. "He's not the father?"

"No, he's not." the blonde replies, rubbing the girl's shoulder. "He's just a friend. That is all. He's more like a brother than anything.." _Atta girl, Clarke, just let the truth flow out like a fountain-_

"Well then I definitely reacted poorly," Lexa laughs, softly. "That's embarrassing. I....the things I said to you when I.."

"Actually, I reallly liked that," Clarke offers her a laugh in response. "Feel free to be a little possessive from time to time - especially when it involves ripping articles of clothing and making me cum the way you did tonight. Trust me, not a bad thing. I just don't want you thinking something that....couldn't be further from the truth."

"So you're good then?"

"Good with what?" the blonde questions.

"With all of this," her lover states. "Me...us...Indra and her attempts to drag you into this family kicking and screaming.."

"I'm not kicking and screaming, you ass.." Clarke shakes her head with a giggle. "But yes, me and 'lil bean' are good, here." _We're good with you <3_

"Layne desperately wants your previous ultrasound to be wrong, by the way."

"What do you mean?"

"He told Raven he thinks you're hiding a second baby. He wants you to have twins," Lexa tells her.

"Oh God, no," she gasps. "I'm scared I won't even be able to handle one. How could I possibly....oh no.."

"Well, you wouldn't be doing it alone..."

  
_Oh, way to get me right in the feels.._

  
*******

The three of them are all so give-out tired that they've collapse onto the king-sized bed and none of them feel like moving. Luna lays in the middle, passed out already from the effects of alcohol, amazing orgasms, or a mix of both. Layne lays on her left said and Raven on her right with their arms slung over her middle, grasping one another. They can hear the older woman's light snores and they both giggle thinking about everything that had just happened. Raven scratches his forearm, smiling at him from across the bed, as she puckers her lips blowing him a kiss. He returns it and they fall silent until the younger girl finds her voice.

"This doesn't change anything, does it?" she asks him.

"What would it change?"

"You and me...our relationship," Raven begins, "the way you feel about me. This has kind of been a whirlwind romance and...we're still learning each other. I just want to check-in - make sure you're still...on board."

"I'm still on board," he cooes. "I totally ship us, babe."

"Oh yeah?" she says, trying to suppress a laugh.

"Fuck yeah," he smirks, nodding gently so he doesn't wake the woman between them. "I'm the goddamn Captain of the ship."

"You're so dumb," Raven snickers, closing her eyes. "But I love you."

"I love you, too, Rae," he sings back to her, running fingers along her forearm. "Nothing's changed, amor. It's me and you. One hundred."

  
  


*******

_She plants kisses along my neck and jawline. She whispers into my ear - words I don't understand fully but my heart races at what my head believes the words to mean. Her hands reach to pull my shirt over my head, and she stares at my torso, tugging at her bottom lip with her own teeth as her fingernails scratch down my bare flanks. I reach for her shirt and she closes her eyes and moves her arms to allow me to remove it. Immediately, my mouth finds her collarbone and my lips burn a trail down her chest. My hand cups her breast and the tip of my thumb teases her nipple. Raising my head to look at her, I'm met with her big, bright, cerulean stare and I freeze._

_"Lexa," she whimpers under me. She pauses and I feel like I'm suspended in time, stuck in limbo as I hear her say,"What's wrong?"_

_And I wish I could tell her. I wish I could explain to her but I'm afraid I'll scare her. How do I tell her...? Those eyes -_ **_her eyes_ ** _\- they haunt me._

_I've seen them before - what feels like hundreds of thousands of times. It makes me feel crazy because I swear I saw them before we even met. Those big blue pools that are sometimes ocean and sometimes sea - both waiting to drown me. I saw them in my dreams, in my nightmares - every where I looked I saw them._

_And then we met. She raised those sunglasses on the top of her head and I saw **her eyes** and I knew. Somehow, I knew it fucking meant something - she meant something - and my heart stopped in my chest._

_Just like now. I feel like I can't breathe - like my blood doesn't move and I'm slipping away. Worst of all, I see those eyes and hear the way she says my name and I feel like we've been here before. Here but not here..._

_"Lex..." she breathes out, her fingers running along my neck._

_And my heart resumes it's race, again. This is too familiar, too scarily similar and I don't even know why. I feel like I'm losing my mind. Because I see her staring at me and she looks so goddamn beautiful and it feels like.........it feels like I've loved her for so fucking long._

_I can hear a dinging in my head - it's loud and shrill and the voice that accompanies it is gruff and angry and then there's shuffling and the squeak of shoes against a tile floor and-_

_"Hey, come back to me, Mowgli," Clarke tells me with her arms around my neck and her lips pressed to my ear. "What's going on baby? Where is your mind right now?"_

_She smells like.....like Juniper. Her smell is intoxicating._

_I want to move. I want to kiss her, touch her, taste it.....take her. But my body is rigid and instead she moves under me, sitting herself up on the pillows so that her face is level with mine. Her fingers comb through my hair and her words are like lemonade on a summer day._

_"Look at me," she begs. "Lexa, just focus on the sound of my voice.."_

_I want to tell her. I want to tell her all of this but my fucking mind is a disaster area and I'm panicking. Little flashes of this blonde-haired, azul-eyed, living, breathing ball of sunshine and sky. I see her, in my head, standing in front of me, eyes watery and she says my name and I feel my lungs seize up and my heart thrums and-_

_"Lex! It's okay baby," she promises, wrapping her arms around my shoulders and back._

_I hadn't even realized I'd collapsed into her. But, I feel it now - the same feeling I get in my dreams. Those eyes threatening to snuff me out like a giant wave in the surf. I feel my body shaking and her hands rubbing my back gently coaxing me to breathe again._

_"It's okay, my love," she rasps. "Just breathe, I've got you..."_

_And now I see her, clearly. My eyes are screwed shut but I see her - stock-still in the hospital room with her blue shirt and faded shorts and her golden locks pulled up into a messy bun the way I like it. I see her standing there with her palm holding the door open and her stare fixated on me and I hear the dinging again._

_I don't remember much about the hospital. Waking up I was still so groggy and my mind was like some weird watercolor. I remember doctors and nurses talking to us - to me, Indra, and Gus - and I remember a woman with tired brown eyes and a mix of golden and caramel brown hair coming to check on me. I remember Layne and how he snuck me more ice chips when they said I should slow down. I remember pain. And I remember_ **_her_ ** _._

_Only, I didn't remember her until now......_

_Was she there? Am I going crazy?? She had to be there....I.....I can't be making this up, right?? It's so real....it's so fucking vivid.... But, it can't be because...how did she.....how she did know my name?_

_"Who are you?" It rushes past my lips before I have a chance to gather my thoughts more._

_"Wha-"_

_She tries to speak, tries to reach and pull me back to her, but I'm up and moving off the bed quickly - staying out of her grasp._

_"How did you know me? How...how did you know my name??" I ask her, panting - pleading for answers. Anything that doesn't make me a lunatic... "Who am I-Who_ **_was_ ** _I to you???"_

  



	7. Tip of My Tongue

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> First section of Italics - Lexa's memory (her POV)  
> Second section of Italics - Clarke's memory (her POV)
> 
>   
> 

**2 weeks later, in LA...**

Lexa sits on the couch with Luna as they watch Orange is the New Black - the beauty of amnesia is not remembering having seen the previous seasons. They'd taken to watching a little at the time, stretching the episodes out over the past 11 days. It was an activity that was almost mindless, in a way. She didn't have to really think, didn't have to worry. She could just sit and watch - indulge in the humor, the smut, and cry about someone else's pain. It felt good. Therapeutic, even.

After the truth had come out that night, she'd taken off. Running down the beach, barefoot in the sand and barely dressed in her tank and pajama shorts, pushing herself to put more distance between her and all of them. She ran until her legs gave out and the sand dune broke her fall. She stayed there until she felt like she was capable of doing what she needed to do - calmly, without make much of a scene - and then she returned back to the house, back to her room, and packed her things.

She felt bad, sure. It broke her heart to listen to Clarke crying and promising she'd still be there when she got back. The last thing she wanted was to leave - to be away from her, away from everything she loved. But the decision was less about what she wanted and more what she needed. She needed space. And time.

The only way to get both was to return to L.A. with Luna. But she never stopped thinking about it. She never stopped thinking about Clarke.

**Rewind back to the night of Clarke's birthday party...**

_"Lex," Clarke's voice was calm, "Can you sit? Please? I'll tell you everything..just...sit down okay?"_

_No, I didn't want to sit but I wanted to know the truth - I wanted to know 'everything' - so I eased my way closer to her. Her hand started to reach out for mine, but I jerked away from her touch._

_"Don't touch me," I warned "I don't....trust myself no to get distracted...I need answers..."_

_"Hey...It's okay," she said. "I won't touch you."_

_"Thank you." I offered her, though I'm not sure what I was thanking her for - For obeying my request for no contact or for agreeing to tell me the truth._

_"Of cours-"_

_"I remember you," my thoughts just seemed to tumble out and I had to follow them up with more of an explanation. "I remember you....from the hospital. I saw you. You were in my room. You-You called my name..."_

_"Lex-" she tried, but I interrupted quickly because I wanted her to know just how fucking serious I was._

_"I'm not crazy, Clarke. Don't try to make me out to be crazy.." I growled at her. "It was fucking real....I know it-"_

_"You're not crazy, Lexa," she agreed, shaking her head. "I was there. I was at the hospital. And I did call your name."_

_"You knew me. Before the accident." It was not a question. It was gruff sounding - like an accusation, almost - but it was honestly just a simple statement._

_"Yes, I knew you..."_

_She looked like she wanted to cry and my heart sunk because I could tell that there was about a billion memories she was reliving in that moment and I felt like a fucking asshole for bringing it up. But I was hurting, too. They all lied to me - Indra, Gus, Layne, Raven..........and her. They all lied to me. And I think I deserved to be just the slightest bit upset...._

_"You never told me..."_

_"I'm so sorry, Lexa," she apologized. "I wanted to tell you. Every fucking day I wanted to tell you..."_

_But she didn't._

_"But you didn't."_

_"I know," Clarke nodded, "And it's fucked up that I didn't tell you.."_

_"You lied to me. You......I told you things....and you were playing me. I trusted you......everyone, really, but_ **_especially_ ** _you and.....Was it funny watching me struggle like a fucking animal with it's foot caught in a trap-"_

_"Lexa, please, stop," she cried, and again I felt like maybe I had said something I shouldn't have. Once again, I felt like I had been the one to push too far. "It swear it wasn't like that. I never meant to hurt you.."_

_But she did. They all did. But.....it was different with her. Because I........just because of who I thought she was._

_"How can I ever trust you again, Clarke?" I asked her, hoping she had something to offer - something to help convince me that I was going to feel like that forever..._

_"Ask me anything, Lex," she replied, tears streaming down her cheeks, "I'll tell you everything and anything you want to know...I'll give it all to you.."_

_"I don't want your story time now..." I spat back at her. "I don't need you painting pretty pictures for me now....not after all the fucking bullshit you've all fed me..."_

_"I'm so sorry," she sobbed, her head hanging and her hands in her lap. "I never meant for any of this to happen. I've been dreading this.....because I just....I just knew....and it was fucking killing me. I should have told you...."_

_Yeah, yeah she should have. She should have fucking told me. But.._

_"Did I love you then, too?" I whispered. "Were we in love then...?"_

_"Yes..." she offered me - a breathy answer that sounded like she was on the edge of cliff, just waiting to be pushed off._

_"I could feel it," I told her, feeling the sudden need to be honest. Feeling like......I just needed her to feel it, too. "My head was so blank but my heart......I felt like my heart was made to love you, Clarke. Like it wasn't even really an option, it just....'was'. You affect me.....so strongly without even the slightest bit of effort. Just the fact that you existed in the same space as me.....I felt so at peace....so utterly happy to be wholly consumed by whatever I was feeling for you.."_

_I had to breathe..I had to gather my thoughts..I had to try and make her understand...._

_"You looked at me the way.....the way a painter looks at a canvas. You made me feel like I had soooo much potential. Even on my worst days, I felt like you loved me with such artistry, Clarke. I was so in awe of you. You have no idea how much I lived to watch you smile, to kiss your little beauty mark, to hear your laughter. God, your laughter...it feels like an earthquake in my own chest. Everything about you moves me. It just felt so fucking natural wanting you the way I did - the way I still do..."_

_"Lexa," she tried to get up, tried to move towards me but I stopped her with my hand raised in the air. It wasn't meant to be aggressive towards her; God knows I'd never hurt her. But I just needed to process..._

_"You could have told me, Clarke. You should have told me. I'm sure you had your reasons......all of you......but.....things could have been so different..."_

**Currently...**

Looking back, that was the moment Lexa couldn't be calm anymore and she didn't want to cry in front of Clarke - in front of someone she wasn't sure she could let herself be so vulnerable around anymore - so she raced off into the night. She ran for what felt like hours though it probably wasn't. She prayed that the waves would come and swallow her up, wash her clean of the past 3 or 4 months, and deposit her back into her old life where she could just pick up where she left off. But she wasn't sure what that meant for her and Clarke. And after collapsing on the shore, she was almost glad she hadn't been rushed out into the gulf. Glad for the chance to make sense of everything - to pick up the pieces and hope that it would be enough. She had to hope that the truth about her life before the accident, a life that she now KNEW included Clarke, would be enough to use as a foundation for a future. Lost memory be damned.

Sharing Luna's couch, trying to focus on the screen, she thinks about the argument and about Clarke's face when she told her she was leaving. She tries not to get upset remembering the way she'd allowed Clarke to pull her into a hug so tight she felt like their bodies were velcro - gripping each other and threatening to never let go. She feels her throat tighten when she replays those words, spoken against her neck in staggered breaths, ' _Please don't stay gone. I'll wait for you. I'll always wait for you, Lexa. Please, just come back..._ '

"Lex," Luna grabs her attention, "You're thinking so loud right now. You wanna talk about it?"

"Not really....sorry."

"I know you don't remember but....we used to be wicked close and...I can tell when something is up with you," the woman tells her. "I know there's something tearing you up inside right now and I wish you'd talk to me about it. I can't make you but....I think you'd feel a lot better if you did..."

"I miss her..." The words are so easy off her tongue, a total contradiction to the feeling behind them which makes her feel like she's suffocating.

"I know you do," Luna says, "but do you feel like you're ready to go back? Have you dealt with the things you needed to deal with?"

"I think so. I mean, I still have questions but....I can't exactly get the answers here, ya know?"

"That seems logical, yeah," her friend nods. "Just know that nobody else can make the decision for you, Lex. You move at your own pace and don't let anyone pressure you into something you're not ready for. It's okay for you to be upset and to need time away, even when you get back. You don't have to go right back to what you were doing. You can do your own thing.."

"I know.." Lexa sighs, throwing her head back. "But I don't really want to. I feel like I should be more angry, but I'm not. I just...don't understand. It's really fucking hard for me to wrap my head around the details....like....shit doesn't add up, ya feel me?"

"That's something you can always ask her about when you get home. I think she really wants to talk to you," Luna suggests with a sweet smile. "She loves the hell outta you, kid. Trust me. I've never seen anyone look at someone the way she looks at you."

"I love her too.."

"I know that already, asshat," the older Latina giggles. "You're not subtle at all about your affections. Your heart-eyes should have their own meme."

"Shut up, bitch. It's not that obvious..." Lexa huffs.

"Oh yee of such naivete," her friend raps, "You're like that cartoon...Pepe Le Pew-"

"ARE YOU COMPARING ME TO A SKUNK??" the girl practically shrieks.

"I'm surprised you know that, actually, but yeah.."

"Clarke likes Looney Tunes..." Lexa explains with a shrug. "Her favorite is Wile E. Coyote.."

"Lex, I'm not trying to kick you out here, but...you need to go home. It's okay to press pause and take a break every now and then, especially when you're overwhelmed but...it's time for you to press play, again."

"I know, I'm just worried. I feel like I'm pressing play only to find out it's a completely different track from the one I hit pause on, ya get me?"

"I get you," Luna nods, "But who's to say you didn't need to find a new song?"

"Whatever," the girl shakes her head, laughing, "No more music metaphors...I guess I just.....need to go home and deal with things.."

"Go home and get your girl," the older woman directs her. "I'll kick your ass if you don't."

"Yeah thanks for that pep-talk. I'm really feeling the love."

"Anytime, kiddo. I'm always here.."

  
*******

**(( Dialing: Marie ))**

She's not sure why she's calling. Their communication from the past two weeks could be summed up into a string of 6 texts. But she feels like Clarke should be the first person to know she's coming home. To be honest, she feels like she can't fucking breath right without her. And that is why she makes the call, hoping to feel something different from the last time they'd spoken - anything that doesn't make her chest ache from the weight of all the lies of the past few months. It rings twice before Clarke picks up, but even with her first word Lexa feels a sense of calm wash over her.

"Hey," she rasps, her voice low and careful. She waits for Lexa to say something but the brunette is too caught up in replaying the greeting that the blonde has to speak again, drawing her out of her own head. "How are you?"

"I'm okay," Lexa answers, suddenly feeling void of every hint of unease about the situation. "I...I miss you, Clarke."

She can hear the girl on the other side exhale, a shallow and shaky breath coming through the receiver. "I miss you too, Lex. So much."

"I'm coming home.." she tells her, not sure what reaction she's expecting but hoping it's good.

"When? Do you want me to pick you up at the airport?"

"Yeah, I would like that...very much.." the brunette breathes a sigh of relief.

"How's Luna?" Clarke asks her. "Did she treat you okay?"

"She's great. She's been treating me pretty decent."

"Good, I'm glad." the blonde hums.

"How's 'lil bean'?" she ventures, not sure if she's getting too comfortable again and maybe should back off.

"'Lil bean' is doing well. Heartbeat is strong, everything is perfect. I felt movement for the first time this week..."

"Movement? Like....what does it feel like?" Lexa asks, desperate to feel like she hasn't missed out on anything.

"It feels like there's a tiny baby guppy swimming around in my belly," Clarke giggles, "I wish I could let you feel it. It's so weird. But a great kind of weird."

"And that's normal?? Did the doctor say that's normal?? Did they say how long until you find out the sex?"

"Yes, Mowgli, that's completely normal. And....I have an Ultrasound scheduled for next week..." the blonde replies. "I....I was hoping you'd be back in time to go with me. You don't have to go, but I just thought-"

"I wouldn't miss it, Clarke."

"I can't wait to see you, Lexa..." She can hear the pain in the girl's voice, the tears she's holding back.

"Same here, doll. I miss being able to look at you whenever I want..."

"Ha. I miss you looking at me... Do you know when your flight will be, yet? Have you already bought a ticket?" the blonde questions. "I can leave school early to come get you.."

"No, you don't have to rush. I'll probably catch a flight that lands later in the evening sometime. I can drive us back so you can get some rest.." she tells her.

The way they're talking seems so natural - as if nothing has changed. It makes her feel like it doesn't have to hurt....like it's okay to let go...

"Does Indra know you're coming home?"

"Not yet. I.......I wanted to tell you first," Lexa responds in a half-whisper.

"Thank you for calling me," Clarke's voice is so pure, so gentle and comforting. "I love you, Lex. I gotta go but...call me later, okay? It doesn't matter what time. Even if it's just to let me know when your flight is. Stay safe, Mowgli."

"I will," the brunette agrees. "I love you too, Clarke. Take care of yourself, and 'lil bean'."

"I will, I promise. I'll talk to you later," the blonde says, sounding like she wants to cry, "Bye babe..."

"Bye, love.."

  
*******

**Later that evening, in Sarasota...**

Dinner at Indra's was something she enjoyed but with Lexa being in LA, she felt like the odd woman out. Indra kept her fed and made sure she was getting enough of everything she needed. She'd taken over where Mowgli had left off, always offering the blonde bottles of water. She made sure Clarke had first choice of food - the best cuts of meat, the first spoonful of each side dish, only the best for the 'mother of her future grandchild.' It made Clarke happy watching Gus and Indra both beam as she talked about feeling 'lil bean' move and how strong the heartbeat had been. They gushed about how ready they were to spoil him or her, while Layne took every opportunity to interject his own wishes for the blonde to deliver twins. ' _I expect the boy to be named after me_ ,' he'd joked, adding, ' _Lex will agree - it's a twin thing. We're on the same frequency..I just know_.' And that brought them to the point in the evening which Clarke used to inform them that Lexa had called her and told her she'd be coming home.

"When is her flight?" Indra asks. "Does she know when she'll be getting in? I can hold off on supper until later so it's not cold when she gets in-"

"She hadn't gotten her ticket yet but...she said it would probably be later in the evening before she landed. I told her I'd go get her."

"That's probably best. It will give you two some alone time to talk," Gus expressed his approval.

"Did she seem like....she was okay?" his wife questioned. "Did she sound...better than when we last saw her?"

Prior to leaving with Luna, Lexa had stayed at Tris'. It was close enough to home to still feel somewhat safe but far enough to not have to interact with the people she needed time apart from. Clarke hadn't been thrilled with it, to say the very least, but she also hadn't pressed the issue, either. Luna checked out of the hotel, acting on Tris' request, and stayed there with Mowgli acting as a buffer between her and Costia. Clarke had, up until that point, been sort of miffed with Tris because she knew the history between all of them and she couldn't believe the girl would allow her friend to get close to the woman again. But after Lexa had showed up at the girl's house, Tris had snuck out to go get 'groceries' and had come to speak with Clarke to assure her that she would not let anything happen between them and that she really did have the brunette's best interest in mind. She told Clarke about asking Luna to stay there as well, hoping it would deter Costia from pressing her luck. The blonde had thanked her for that, but the situation still had her stomach in knots. 

Remembering all of this, along with Lexa's tired eyes as she made her way to Luna's truck the day they left, it made Clarke worry about what was to come when her lover did make it back. She'd seemed lighter on the phone but Clarke knew there were still issues that needed to be resolved - questions yet to be answered. And what would Lexa's reaction be to those answers? She could only hope that it wouldn't be completely bad. She chose not to voice her concerns, though, and instead offered Indra the consolation she wished someone could offer her.

"She did," the blonde says, the corners of her mouth pulling up into an inkling of a smile. "She sounded much better..."

"She still doesn't know all of your history with her?" The question comes as a surprise, mostly because Gus is usually silent when it comes to these kinds of discussions.

"No, Gus, she doesn't. She only knows that we have a history and that we were 'involved'. She doesn't know....specifics like how long or how serious or...anything about the baby being hers. She doesn't even know _why_ I was at the hospital, only that I was and that I knew her. We didn't get that far before she rushed out. I.....I felt it was probably best not to try and rush and overwhelm her before she left.."

"A smart idea, I think," he hums in response. "It's going to take time, but....things will work out. Just remember, she loves you. We love you. And it will all be alright. It may get worse before it gets better...but we will be here.."

**Flashback to 2 months ago and the night she and Raven had spent at the Woods' after the move that morning...**

_"Layne said that you seemed concerned with the way he introduced you," Indra told me. "I understand if you're upset, but I need you to see where I'm coming from. As her mother, I don't want to see her feel obligated to maintain a relationship - especially a romantic one - with someone she doesn't feel she knows. I love you Clarke, I do, but my daughter's well-being will always come first."_

_"I understand that," I nodded my head in response, "but you've told her about everyone else. She's maintaining relationships with you and your family - which is great and I'm thrilled for you - but she also is aware of her and Layne's friends and of Raven. So really, it feels like I'm being singled out. Indra, I would never make her feel obligated to-"_

_"Not on purpose, no. But Lexa's nature is to protect." Indra tried to explain. "She would want to protect you - even from herself, if she ever felt like she were hurting you - and that means she would do everything in her power to be what she needed to be to see you happy. Even if it meant forgetting about herself.."_

_"Those are poorly chosen words," I said, "because clearly, she has already forgotten all about herself. You want me to sit here and let her think she never knew me - that we just met and that I never loved her - and...I don't think I can do that..."_

_"You will if you care about her." the older woman countered. "She's having some difficulties. It's nothing we can't deal with but....stressing her out and introducing you as someone she was romantically involved with...it might cause more harm than good. It's hard for us too, Clarke. She lives here and she interacts with us but....she doesn't see us as family. Sometimes I wonder if she ever will, again. What I'm trying to say is....let her choose you. She will come back to you, Clarke. I just know it. But it cannot be because she feels like she has to. Give her time to see it for herself - to feel it."_

_"And then what?!" I asked, almost yelling. "We build a relationship on lies?? Indra, I can't fucking do that to her......she's been lied to enough in her life. Whether she remembers that now or not.."_

_"Clarke, please," I heard her beg, "I'm asking you to respect my wishes as her mother and just let her get a feel for things on her own..."_

_"Fine. I'll respect your wishes. But I'm not happy about this. And if she ends up getting hurt...I don't know that I'll be able to forgive you. Or myself."_

**Back to now...**

"Yeah, I know. She's supposed to call me tonight," Clarke explains. "Hopefully she'll know when her flight is and I can let you know..."

"Clarke," Indra begins, "However you choose to proceed, Gus and I will back you up. This hasn't been fair on you and I realize that. I am truly sorry. But however you wish to go about explaining things to her - if you'd rather do it alone or if you'd like support - just let us know."

"Thank you. I think.....I think I'm just going to let her set the pace," the blonde says. "She knows that we have a past now and....so if she chooses to ask about it, then I'll tell her whatever she wants to know. But if she wants to wait a bit longer, then.....we'll do that I guess. I just....don't want to push her. I want her to know but...not if she can't handle it right now. I'll still be here....when she's ready."

"You two do what you need to do," the woman tells her. "She has bonded with you more than anyone else over these past few months. I admit....I'm a little jealous of how quickly she's taken to you. But there is a part of me that knew it would be that way. She is the happiest I have ever seen her when she's with you, Clarke..."

"My mom says the same thing about me when I'm with her.."

"Is your mother going to be here for the ultrasound next week?" Indra asks. "I don't want you to feel crowded. If you'd rather Gus and I step back-"

"She is but Indra...I want you and Gus there, too," Clarke assures her, placing a hand on top of hers. She looks at Gus and smiles. "You two are second parents to me and this is your grandchild, too. You should be there."

"Well, Gordi and I will be anxiously awaiting the reveal......from the waiting room, though," Raven chuckles. "I've had enough of hospitals and Doctor's office exam rooms, no offense, Griffin."

"None taken, Rae," the blonde giggles. "We'll be sure to send a mass text with a picture or video of he or she whenever we find out. I know Octavia is waiting with bated breath to begin her 'Clexa baby' shopping spree."

"She and Harper have already bought the three of us 'Proud Auntie' shirts. We're gonna be your own little personal band of cheerleaders for the delivery," Raven jests, before she so gracefully adds, "Again, from the waiting room. Not planning to see all the guts and gore. I'd like to have children someday and...I'm afraid witnessing it in action will scare me-"

"The Fearless Raven Reyes? Afraid of childbirth?" Clarke feigns shock.

"Have you seen it, Griffin? Discovery Health does not shy away from the details, my friend. I'm practicing sending out positive healing vibes for you and Princess Peach-"

"I appreciate your concern, Reyes. For both me and my vag-"

"Uh Uh! Not at the dinner table," Indra clucks, and they all crack up.

*******

She's laying in Lexa's bed at the Woods', flat on her stomach, with her notebook laid out in front of her and a pen in her hand. The past two weeks have seen her writing more than she ever had - letters of apology, letters of sadness and heartbreak over missing her lover, and letters about 'lil bean' and the hopes she had for the three of them. She was surprised, honestly, that Lexa hadn't found the book when she was staying at the apartment by herself. On the other hand, her girlfriend was not the type to raid someone else's personal things - even if she was dating them. Which brought Clarke back to thoughts of the past - to when Lexa had first told her that she'd never been in a relationship. It seemed hard to believe, especially with the way the girl behaved when they were together, but the blonde couldn't deny that there were definitely noticeable differences between their relationship and other people's.

Lexa didn't question her about phone calls or texts, for one. She had the password to her phone but she never used it to go through Clarke's social media accounts, trying to check up on her. When asked about it, the brunette seemed confused - like a lost puppy, head cocked to the side - as she explained that she didn't know that was 'thing' that couples did. Admittedly, Clarke had always hated when she heard about couples that went through each other's shit like that but something in her always wondered why Lexa never did it. She let her mind wander a few times, let the pain of the past make her feel like her lover didn't find her as attractive and that she wasn't really concerned with anyone else being interested either. She let her own self-conscious bullshit get her down, only later realizing just how lucky she was that her girlfriend trusted her so much.

Always on cue it seems, she's pulled from her thoughts by her phone ringing on the nightstand beside the bed. It's Lexa and just seeing the name on her Caller ID makes her heart flutter.

"Hey Mowgli," she says, feeling butterflies at the soft giggle from the girl on the other end.

"Hey. You busy?"

"Never too busy for you," the blonde answers. "What's up? Did you book your flight?"

"I did. My flight lands at 8:30pm Monday evening. Is that okay?"

"It's perfect."

"What are you doing?" the brunette asks. 

"I'm laying in your bed...listening to music." Clarke tells her. "It feels lonely without you here.."

"2 days, doll."

"Yeah I know...but it feels like forever.." she whines, earning a laugh from her girlfriend.

"You getting enough rest? You're not stressing yourself out, are you?"

"I'm getting plenty of rest. Indra doesn't let me do anything around here," the blonde informs her. "She is also making sure I drink enough water to rival any camel getting ready to cross a desert. I feel like my insides are sloshing around when I walk.."

"It's better for you and for 'lil bean' that you stay hydrated.."

"I know, but I'm getting tired of just drinking water.." Clarke pouts, knowing damn well her lover can't see her bottom lip poked out like that. "I've been trying to sneak other things when Indra isn't looking.."

"Secret's safe with me," Lexa chuckles. "Have you felt any more movements? How is the little guppy, tonight?"

"I feel some, every now and then. It feels funny - not, like, painful or anything. It feels like bubbles or something. I'm so full, though. Indra made the best slow-cooked roast tonight. The kind you like...with the carrots and potatos.."

"Mmmm, did you eat some for me?"

"I did," the blonde laughs, "And she kept putting more on my plate telling me to have plenty. She's trying to make me fat.."

"She's trying to make sure the baby gets plenty of nutrients.." Lexa assures her.

"Will you still like me when I'm fat and waddling around like a giant penguin?"

"No," the brunette confesses, "I will _love_ you when you're fat and waddling around...like the prettiest penguin I've ever seen.."

"Don't try and butter me up, handsome," Clarke says. "You're the one that's gonna have to help me get around when I get so big I look like that blueberry girl from Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory.."

"I accept my fate. Now tell me what colors you're thinking of using for the nursery..."

  



	8. Baby Baby

**Sunday, in Sarasota...**

Two days doesn't seem like a long time. Until there's something you're looking forward on the other side of them. And then, two days feels like two years.

For Clarke, that's exactly how it felt. She tried to stay busy - going shopping with Raven and Indra while Layne and Gus set out on a fishing trip - and that seemed to help for a bit. They'd already decided on doing everything very gender neutral regardless of the sex. Clarke told Indra that she and Lexa had decided on painting the baby's rooms (there would be two of them here and her mom had already made plans for a nursery and play room at her house) with a very light blue after which the blonde would lay out a mural. The baby's room at the apartment would be small - it had been used thus far as sort of a storage room for canvas', winter clothes, and other odds and ends. The baby's room at Indra's would be Layne's room - it was closest to Indra and Gus's room, didn't have a way for the baby to escape and get to the pool, and it made the most sense because 'Rayne' had already informed everyone that Layne would be moving into the girl's apartment (if that was okay with Clarke, of course). Clarke had thought to ask Lexa to move in when she found out the news but decided to play it by ear, instead. Either way, the male twin's room was going to become the new nursery and to get a jump start on the process Indra and the girl's were out picking out the right color paint for the walls as well as looking at bedding and furniture.

Indra asked how Lexa was, respecting the fact that Clarke only shared what she felt comfortable with. Conversations about 'lil bean' as well as their discussions about nursery colors and set up were shared. Indra laughed so hard she almost busted a gut when Clarke told her about Lexa's _minor_ mishap in Luna's kitchen which caused the smoke detector to go off and the security alarm to sound while simultaneously alerting the fire department. The blonde shared the names that she and Mowgli had been throwing around. They loved 'Yana' for a girl and 'Brennick' for a boy but of course the child would need a middle name so they'd compiled a fair amount of both girl's and boy's names and a few unisex names as well. She explained that they were currently leaning towards one middle name, in particular, that could be used for either and that they would decide once they knew for sure. These were topics that were open for the public. On the other hand, she kept their texts and phone calls about their relationship private - it was how Lexa had always wanted it and she had come to appreciate that.

They were talking a lot now, too. They talked about how they met and who they'd dated before that. Clarke had gone over things with Finn, sparing no details because the brunette had asked for complete honesty, and thought it fucking killed her to describe some of the nightmares she used to have about Finn, she still did it. She laid everything out for Lexa, including the whole 'being hit by a car' incident and their first fight leading up to it. Lexa laughed about it, calling herself 'so extra' and reminding Clarke about the first night they'd spent together - well, the first night they'd spent together in Lexa's memory. Lexa asked Clarke about her own previous relationships and Clarke cringed thinking about the secrets she was going to have to divulge. She did it though. She told her lover the whole truth, helping her understand why she was so uncomfortable with the girl spending so much time with Costia and her sister. To her surprise, Lexa wasn't upset. She hummed and offered a reply of ' _Kinda glad I don't remember that. Thank God for small favors._ ' which the blonde wholeheartedly agreed with.

They worked through their relationship piece by piece, little bit at the time, and she spread out all the pieces for Lexa to look at and decide what was worth holding onto and what wasn't. They hadn't quite made it to the topic of the accident that had changed both their lives or the baby, but there again, Clarke didn't want to overwhelm her. She let her lover ask questions - hundreds upon hundreds of questions, it seemed like - and she answered them all accordingly.

That night, Clarke wrote another 5 pages in her book of letters. She wrote about Indra's question on whether Clarke thought the baby would have her last name, or Lexa's, or a hyphenated combination of both. She wrote about the scenes she envisioned painting on their baby's walls and the type of parents she hoped they could be. She talked about her mother's insistence that the child would call her 'MawMaw' instead of 'Granny' or 'Grandma'. Indra was more relaxed and told her that whatever 'the little angel' wanted to call her would be fine. The blonde had asked Gus what he preferred - he kind of had his pick because her own father wasn't around to have to battle out with - but the bear of a man had simple laughed and told her he didn't are as long as he was allowed to see and hold the baby whenever he wanted (which he later confessed would probably be all the time). All of these things she took the time to write out for her lover. It was no longer just a book of them falling in love or piecing their relationship back together. Clarke's words and her little doodles had taken on a new life - a story of them making a life together.

  
*******

**In LA...**

Lexa lays awake that night after ending the phone call with Clarke so the blonde could get some sleep before class in the morning. They'd covered a lot of information during their phone calls. Clarke had held up to her promise, giving the brunette every detail she could - even the ones that threatened to break her. Lexa had asked questions and she'd tried to store all the information she'd been given, but it was A LOT to take in. And now, she couldn't sleep as her brain was working over time to piece everything together.

She hated hearing about Finn. She hated knowing that _her_ Clarke had allowed herself to be put through that and, even worse, that no one had stepped in to help her. Just like it frustrated her that her lack of memory had led her to befriend Costia and no one had tried to stop it. Yes, she understood their reasoning, but at the same time her mind filled with thoughts of 'what if something had happened between them again'. Yes, she only had eyes for Clarke. But if Clarke hadn't been open to a relationship between them....would she have gone in search of something with someone else? Would that someone else have been Costia? Arabella didn't even really register on Lexa's list of 'horrible'. She wrote it off as being two young people unsure of what the fuck they were doing and not really knowing the important art of healthy communication and consent. Truthfully, she just preferred to ignore both the girls and their history in favor of thinking of Clarke as her first and it only helped that the blonde felt the same way about her and had told her so.

During their conversations, she apologized to Clarke for leaving - begged for forgiveness for how she'd handled the situation and how she'd run out without really giving her a chance to explain. She did some explaining of her own, as well. She told the blonde that what had hurt her most was knowing that her 'fresh start' had been nothing but more than a house of smoke and mirrors. She admitted that with everyone else she felt like she was afraid to disappoint them. In her mind, they all knew her before and she was afraid she wouldn't live up to their expectations now. She was afraid to hurt them by not knowing certain things - by not remembering little connections they shared, inside jokes and such. With Clarke, she didn't have that fear. With Clarke, she didn't have to pretend. She could just be herself and that was enough. That night, finding out that she and the blonde had a history too, she had felt that safe haven ripped from her - her happiness threatened - and she reacted the way any dog trapped in a corner would have. She bit back. And, of course, her girlfriend understood that. She told Lexa over and over that she didn't need to try to be anything - that she only needed to 'authentic' because that is what Clarke loved about her.

The more she thinks about it, the more it finally feels like everything is coming together. Still, there's one thing that goes unmentioned. The baby. A source of discomfort for Lexa, not because she doesn't want kids or wouldn't love the baby, but because she doesn't understand how and where the baby fits, what it means for them as couple and, more selfishly, for her. She's tried to look through pictures on Clarke's Facebook - before the party, before she knew they had a history - picking out people she could see being the donor. From the moment she'd found out the blonde was pregnant, she'd sifted through social media trying to find out who she was up against, always coming up short in the end. Bellamy had thrown her off though, that was for sure, and she couldn't believe how upset she'd let herself get without him even having to say more than 2 or 3 words at a time.

What she couldn't quite work out in her head was the timing. Clarke had given her a timeline of their relationship: The first time they texted each other happened on the 16th of May and then they met in person just after midnight exactly a one year later - this year, in fact. The following weekend Lexa had surprised her lover in Gainesville and they'd spent every weekend since together. And then.....her accident happened. She guessed they were still together when the accident happened. Clarke hadn't mentioned a break-up, at least. So, wasn't it safe to assume that they were together up until everything kind of turned to shit?

 _July 4th - 3 months ago,_ she thinks. _And Clarke is...right around 16 weeks._ The doctor had even went as far as telling her that her new due date was set for March 21st instead of April. _16 weeks.....that would mean....the baby was conceived in....June?_

She thinks about it. _June._ They were together in June.

 _We were happy in June_ , she falls asleep telling herself. _We were in love in June....._

_Maybe there's a reason she can't tell me who the father is......._

_Maybe there is no 'father'...._

  
*******

**Monday in Sarasota...**

Her morning starts early and Clarke stares at herself in the mirror of the bathroom. She grabs her phone and snaps a selfie for Lexa. This isn't out of the ordinary for them, but when Raven's head pops into view the blonde feels slightly embarrassed.

"You snapping some naughty pics for Mowg?" Raven teases.

"No, Rae. Just a face pic," she assures her friend, grabbing her toothbrush to finish up her morning routine.

"Seriously?" the girl asks. "Wait....have you and Lex ever exchanged nudes?"

"NO! We don't.....need to do that. We see each other so...we don't need that."

"I didn't ask what you needed," Raven tuts. "Look, Gordi and I do it. Not all the time. It's just like...a surprise kinda deal. When he least expects it or when I do. It's exciting, honestly. You should do it. She'll lose her fucking mind."

"Raven," Clarke turns to face her. "I don't need to send nudes to my girlfriend."

"Jeez, Griffin. Don't be such a prude. It's supposed to be fun and flirty. It keeps things exciting."

The blonde turns back to the mirror, eyes finding Raven's. "Do you think....she gets bored of me? Do you think she wants things to be more.......exciting?"

"I'm not saying that, Clarke. I'm only saying you should try it. It's been a while, hasn't it? Since you guys first started talking," Raven reminded her.

 _Shit_ , she thinks. _Maybe she's right._ "I don't know Rae."

"Start simple," her friend encourages. "Strip down and turn your ass to the mirror. Get your phone like this," she says, demonstrating the position, "and then snap. Bam! Just like that - ass-tounding selfie! Tell Lex she can thank me later.."

And with that, the Latina exits the bathroom, leaving her to her own devices. She thinks about and decides it's worth a shot.

08:36am - **Marie:** [img279.jpeg]

08:36am - **Marie:** mornin' mowgli ;)

The reply is almost immediate, which is surprising considering the time difference but she knows that Lexa doesn't sleep well sometimes.

  
08:38am - **Mowgli:** fuck clarke. what are you doing..

08:39am - **Marie:** i was trying to send u an early 'welcome home' before i got ready and left for school.

08:39am - **Marie:** should i not have...?

_Was that too much? Maybe she doesn't like that kind of thing..._

08:40am - **Mowgli:** it makes me wish i retained any knowledge of flying because i would hijack a plane so quick to get to you right now

08:41am - **Marie:** >.< i miss u, lex.

08:42am - **Mowgli:** [img316.jpeg]

08:42am - **Mowgli:** i miss you, too

"Oh shit," Clarke squeaks, staring at the picture Lexa had just sent her. A picture of her standing in the bathroom at Luna's, wearing her sports bra and gym sweat shorts only with a _very_ obvious hard-on.

  
08:44am - **Marie:** stop it, ur gonna make me late for class shithead. ughhh.

08:45am - **Mowgli:** you started it. go to class then. i'm just going to enjoy the perspective of this picture you've sent me.

08:46am - **Marie:** asshole. the only reason im willing to make myself suffer through today's classes is because im getting u back tonight.

08:47am - **Mowgli:** you want me to save it for tonight, then?

_She hasn't...?_

08:47am - **Marie:** u haven't.....since u've been there?

08:49am - **Mowgli:** no. have you?

08:50am - **Marie:** no. but u don't have to wait....

08:52am - **Mowgli:** i want to. i may bust too early but...i'll try to hold it.

The response makes her laugh out loud. Finn had frequent issues with 'early arrivals'. It always left him embarrassed and angry and blaming her for not doing her 'job'. But Lexa, in all the time she and the blonde had been involved, hadn't ever experienced such problems. In fact, no matter how hyped Clarke had her, the brunette always seemed to make her cum 2 or 3 times at least before allowing herself the same release. She had to admit though, the idea of Lexa losing control and making a mess in her pants......it was kinda hot.

08:54am - **Marie:** don't worry about that. i've heard the first one's always a bit slippery. maybe we'll just take care of that one while we're still at the airport ;)

08:55am - **Mowgli:** not helping the situation, clarke.

  
*******

By the time that afternoon came, the blonde was so anxious to see her girlfriend again that she couldn't sit still in her seat. Her paintbrush shook as her hand trembled with excitement and she tried to steady her thoughts and her body but was unsuccessful on both accounts. The thought of seeing Lexa again had her bursting with anticipation, unable to focus on the canvas in front of her and the art she was supposed to be 'feeling'. 

The drive to the airport was spent gripping the steering wheel like it was her fucking lifeline - running through the things she'd say as soon as she saw her lover again. She knew she'd have to tell the brunette the truth about the baby. The ultrasound appointment was 3 days away and it wasn't fair to let Lexa go in there not knowing what she was really seeing - _their_ baby, _their_ little miracle. And so she practiced different ways of telling her - a multitude of scripts that she went over and then changed up, looking for the best way to make the brunette understand why she had to hide it.

08:45pm - **Mowgli:** just landed. see you in a sec, doll.

08:47pm - **Marie:** waiting patiently...trying at least  <3

She stood there, fidgeting with the material of her sundress (the one she'd bought to wear specifically for welcoming her wayward lover home) as she waits for any sign of her. She scans the crowd - strangers with faces that surely must mirror her own as they search for their own families and friends. And then she sees her. Her curls pulled up into a messy bun with pieces sticking out all over the place and a few frizzy strands breaking loose on the sides. Her low rise jeans and her open sea-foam green plaid shirt with the white wife-beater underneath - the swagger in her walk and the genuine smile on her face as soon as she locks eyes with the blonde. And then Clarke is running. Full speed ahead as she jumps into the brunettes waiting arms, the shear force spinning them around a bit as Lexa holds her close.

"Fuck, I've missed you," her lover breathes out into the loose blonde baby curls by her ear. "Don't ever let me leave again."

"Never," the blonde answers against the girl's neck before the brunette sets her down. "How was your flight?"

"Too long," Lexa says. "But I'm here, now. Let's go home, Clarke."

  
*******

**Three days later...**

Abby arrives at Indra's at 1:35pm and 10 minutes later they're on their way to the appointment. Clarke, Raven, and the twins get there first with the Woods' and Abby pulling in shortly after. Once they're signed in, everyone waits patiently, talking about dinner plans tonight to celebrate and whose responsibility it will be to record the ultrasound once they're in the room. Clarke's mother agrees to shoulder that job and after 13 minutes, the nurse calls the blonde back to check her vitals. Lexa accompanies her and Clarke thinks about blurting out the truth of the baby's DNA - she tries to think of any way she can get it out before their parents are ushered back. But every time she looks at Lexa her throat goes dry and she can't bring herself to do or say anything that might make the brunette get up and leave. Thus, she says quiet. Praying for the girl's forgiveness, silently, and hoping there will be a better way to tell her later. 

As soon as the door opens, her stomach is in knots. Their parents file in - Indra beside Abby and then Gus closest to the door. The Ultrasound Tech, Sam, enters a minute later and she's far too peppy for Clarke's liking but both her mom and Indra are speaking so animatedly with the girl. She wonders if this seems weird or slightly off to her girlfriend. If the way the girl's parents are included in this moment makes her question anything. Gus smiles at her and Lexa gives her hand a reassuring squeeze. She grins at her lover and mouths the words ' _I love you_ ' to which the brunette replies ' _I love you so much more_ ' before giving her a kiss on the forehead.

The jelly is cold on her stomach and she tries to keep her breathing steady as the tech rolls over her bump, spreading the jelly around. Clarke looks up at Lexa, watching those green eyes take everything in. Her thumb brushes over the brunette's and she sees something in her lover's eyes that she's not sure how to read. She hears hushed murmurs from both of their mothers, but she keeps her eyes trained on Lexa as the girl's gaze finds the ultrasound screen.

"Alright, folks, are we ready?" the black-haired tech says to them. "What are we hoping for?"

"Healthy," Lexa answers before anyone else can. She looks to Clarke, staring into those cerulean eyes like she's hoping that whether it's a boy or girl....they have those eyes. "Happy and healthy, nothing else matters..."

"Cheers to that," Gus speaks up.

"Well...what are you waiting for," the girl says, "Let's get started."

She shows them the head and a hand - a tiny little hand that looks like it's waving. The tech moves to show them a leg and two feet, telling them a story about doing a ultrasound where she actually got a picture of the baby's foot and you could clearly make out that he or she (she didn't specify) had an extra toe. She continues probing around and making conversation with Indra as well as Abby, while Clarke and Lexa sit quietly absorbing the images of their baby.

"So, are we ready to find out what you're having or do you not want to know?" Sam asks.

"I know a few people who would be very displeased if we made them wait until the birth," the blonde laughs.

"Alrighty, well I'm going to turn the screen where only I can see," the girl explains, "and once I've got what I need, I'll turn it so you all can see. Is that good for everyone?"

"Perfect. Thank you." Clarke nods, feeling a squeeze from Lexa. 

She turns her eyes to her lover, willing herself to be calm as she watches the brunette's face change 3 times in the span of 20 seconds. She looks nervous - uncharacteristically so - and it makes the blonde wonder what is going on in her head.

"Hey," she chirps, grabbing the girl's attention. When Lexa leans forward, Clarke whispers in her ear. "What's up, love? You look like you've got a lot on that beautiful mind of yours.."

"I do," the answer is quick, followed by a quick peck to the blonde's temple.

"Are you okay? Is this......too much for-" her question is cut off by Sam, the tech, who giggles victoriously and hits a button on her machine before addressing them.

"I've got what I need. Are we ready for the reveal?" she asks, which elicits a resounding ' _Yes!_ ' from everyone in the room. She removes her hand and her equipment from Clarke's abdomen, turning the screen to where everyone can see. "Congratulations, Miss Griffin, you are having a healthy baby girl!"

She doesn't hear anything else going on in the room because as soon as she hears those words, the next voice she hears is Lexa's. Her lover's lips are pressed against her ear telling her ' _That's our baby girl, Clarke'_ and she doesn't ask how the brunette knows, nor does she care in that moment. The only thing she cares about is the way Lexa is smiling at her, the tear running down the girl's cheek, and the way her eyes light up as she looks at the screen.

"Yes, love," she cooes, wiping her own trail of tears. "That's our baby girl."

  



	9. Crazy Girl (Don't You Know That I Love You)

**2 months later...**

"I know sweetheart but-"

She stops to listen to the blonde on the other side of the phone. It's 3 am and she's standing in her pajama pants, a black hoodie, and Clarke's fuzzy slippers that don't fit her but were the warmest and closest thing nearby. It's the beginning of December and one of the coldest days they've had in Florida thus far and she is half asleep standing in Walmart looking for the chocolate cake that her girlfriend 'needed' in order to feel better and go to sleep. It's not just any chocolate cake she desires - oh no. It's the Walmart bakery, Paula Deen recipe, moist and delicious, triple chocolate bundt cake that Lexa is sure is a diabetic coma waiting to happen, but her pregnant girlfriend, mother of her unborn child, is requesting - nay, DEMANDING - this cake.

And Walmart has let her down.

"Baby, I promise you I've looked everywhere and-"

She tries. Oh boy, does she try, but Clarke's cravings cannot be denied and listening to the love of her life, crying over the phone about the cocoa goodness that their firstborn is 'kicking her ribs' in a desperate plea to receive.......well that leaves Lexa with one choice and one choice only. She finds the most grandmotherly looking employee she can find and gives her the most pitiful look she can muster (which in her disheveled state must have been too easy) and the woman proceeds to help her look for all the ingredients necessary to make a warm, fudge drizzled chocolate cake.

"I'll be home soon, Clarke. I promise, you and Yana will have your cake," she assures her. "I love you."

By the time she makes it home, Clarke is already asleep in their bed, clearly exhausted from her emotional breakdown over Paula Deen's inability to keep Walmart's shelves stocked with the proper pregnancy-craving essentials. 'Who is this woman?' Clarke had yelled into the phone, her voice croaking through sobs. 'Doesn't she know this shit is not a fucking joke?? How dare she leave our child hanging like this?! Lexa.....Lexa?.....LEXA??!!'

At 5am, Layne wakes up in search of water and makes his way into the kitchen to find his sister, face down on the island counter top waiting for the buzzer to go off and alert her to remove the cake from the oven.

"I see Yana has taken your wife's body hostage again, huh?" he teases.

"It's not healthy," Lexa mumbles against the marble surface, "The amount of chocolate she's asking for and the amount of sleep I'm missing..."

"Ahh yes," the male twin sighs, "The joys of motherhood. And she's not even born yet. Just wait til you get diaper duty."

"Shut it, fucker," she grumbles as the timer goes off. "Ughhh, now all I have to do is make the chocolate drizzle stuff to put on the top.."

"Mmmmm, I love that stuff. Walmart didn't have any-"

"NO!" Lexa cuts him off. "No, they did not and I listened to her cry for 6 minutes over the phone because of it. After 1 minute I had already located a Walmart employee that I thought MIGHT look like they had made a cake before, and consulted her about what I needed to do just that. And this, brother, is the result of that. A cake, for my girlfriend and our child, because PAULA FUCKING DEEN has gotten my unborn baby addicted to whatever crack she puts in her goddamn cakes."

"Right," he smiles, "Well....I'm going back to bed. Carry on."

"Fuck you."

"Yes, Raven does that, very well in fact." he jokes as he walks back down the hall.

Lexa looks down to see the new wolf dog puppy, a gift from Raven and Layne, staring at her with his head cocked to the side. Sure, Mace was a gift for her and they played together all the time, but that little boy was 100% Clarke's - growling at anyone who yelled too loudly at her or touched her with too much force. Even now, he looks as if he's judging Lexa for not being able to grant her girlfriend's wish quickly enough. She snarls at him and his ears go back giving a light growl.

"Yeah well you try making a cake at 5am, pup," she points at him. "I'd like to see you fair better."

  


*** * ***

"Ow!!" Lexa yells, rubbing the back of her head. "What was that for??"

"Are you kidding me right now??" Clarke scoffs. "You were staring at her ass, Lexa. What the fuck?!"

"I was no-"

"DON'T YOU DARE," she warns. "You can't honestly sit there and pretend I didn't just catch you ogling another girls ass while sitting RIGHT NEXT TO ME. YOUR VERY PREGNANT GIRLFRIEND."

"Clarke, I swear to God, I wasn't-" the brunette tries but her lover is hearing none of it.

Pregnancy hormones have taken over in the place of sanity most days and Lexa feels like she's riding a rollercoaster. Backwards. And with no safety apparatus. Some days Clarke is loving and affectionate, clingy and cuddly. Other days, she is hot, hungry, tired, moody, hurting, complaining of being swollen, and generally just pissed the fuck off at anyone who breathes without having to hold their ribs and stomach occasionally. She picks fights (which Lexa loses every time, whether by choice, default, or actual argument) and then she cries because she feels like she's being a bitch and she doesn't understand how Lexa can stick around. Which is something she frequently voices, almost as if she's expecting a response. Lexa knows it's a trap and therefore steers clear of answering it.

The last trap? Well that was 2 weeks ago - when she woke to find that Clarke had wet the bed. The blonde had woken up mortified, running as fast as a pregnant woman can to the bathroom to take her wet pajama bottoms off and take a shower. She later blamed it on the new puppy - swearing that they needed steps for him to get on and off the bed so he could use the doggy door and go outside by himself. But Lexa had woken up with him at 3 am and taken him out only for him to sneak into Raven and Layne's room to spend the rest of the night. This 'mystery pee' had come sometime after that and was far too much to be puppy piss. Especially one who's bladder had already been relieved just 4 hours before. Lexa never said anything about that, quietly keeping the facts to herself and gathering the sheets from the bed so she could wash them, but Clarke continuously made inferences that the dog could no longer sleep on their bed until he was old enough to control his own bladder. It was almost like she was daring Lexa to say something - to call her out on the wet stain that had been clearly visible on her pants while she was retreating to the bathroom. But Lexa said nothing. She knew better. She had also never been more grateful for her mother's advice to get a wet resistant pad to go between the mattress and the mattress cover stating that 'accidents happen' and they wouldn't want to ruin the mattress by being unprepared. She wasn't sure if her mom was talking about the puppy or Clarke. Didn't matter now anyway. 

And this, the 'I know you're checking her out' routine, is just the newest of Clarke's hormonal habits. Lexa gets it. Their sex life has dwindled a bit because Clarke feels 'fat and hideous' even though Lexa frequently pops random boners that she has to hide to keep from making things awkward. Not that her getting hard from looking at her girlfriend is awkward. It's the fact that she gets hard looking at Clarke's belly - knowing that she did that. That that's HER seed in there. That Clarke is hers and that baby is hers and she feels so powerful. And Yes, it's a weird response when thinking of your unborn child or seeing the baby bump but she can't help it? She can't help imagining the sexual endeavors they took on to put that baby there. But every time she tries to initiate, Clarke gets self-conscious and pushes her away telling her she just isn't in the mood. Which is a lie, because Lexa has heard her in the bathroom moaning in the shower - the shower she refuses to share with Lexa anymore - and the brunette has never been more jealous of an inanimate object in her life as she is of that fucking shower head. Which is why she changed it to one that stayed put and was arguably less intimidating. Yes, it was bit passive aggressive but there was no way she was going to let that thing see more action than her. Not in her house and not with her girlfriend.

It backfired, of course, because that's how the universe treated her. She had worked Clarke up into a tizzy and the blonde was finally opening up, allow Lexa's head between her legs and then 'it' happened. The incident that shall not be mentioned by either of them ever again. The most embarrassing moment Clarke has ever endured and continues to punish Lexa for to this day. Lexa had built her up to a strong orgasm. She'd done her job so well that Clarke was begging, tears filling her eyes as she pleaded for Lexa to let her cum. Lexa knew it was only the first orgasm of the evening and fully intended on being completely sheathed inside her girlfriend immediately afterwards thereby giving her multiple more orgasms. But that did not come to fruition because when Clarke came, her body tensed up and then proceeded to expel some pent up tension. In the form of gas. Right into range of Lexa's face. It took her 3.5 seconds to realize what had just happened before she slammed her legs shut, did her best 007 roll over the edge of the bed, and ran like a wobbly newborn baby deer into the bathroom for cover. It didn't bother Lexa - she actually laughed about it to be honest - but Clarke was so embarrassed she cried and refused to even look Lexa in the face for the rest of the evening and most of the next day.

With all of that said, Clarke had become so insecure about their relationship, so worried that Lexa found her disgusting or ugly or whatever insult she could drum up, and really all Lexa wanted to do was just love her. 

"I'm sorry, Lex," Clarke is crying now, her face buried in her own hands. "I'm so sorry for being so terrible to you. You don't deserve that.."

"I love you Clarke," Lexa tells her.

Because that's what she needs to hear. Not that it's okay, but it's probably not. And not that she forgives her, which she always will. What Clarke needs is just to know that Lexa loves her unconditionally and that she understands the toll that this pregnancy is taking on both her girlfriend's body and her emotions. She'll never know what it's really like, but she understands that it's not easy and she'll do anything she can to let Clarke know that she's there. Come hell or high water, she's there.

"Please don't leave me Lexa," the blonde cries into her neck. "Please don't let me push you away."

"Never, baby," she assures her. "I'm right here. I'll always be with you..."

*** * ***

  
2 weeks before Christmas, Clarke, Raven, and the twins visit Gainesville to celebrate Clarke's grandmother Grace's birthday. There are tons of questions and far too many gifts that the blonde's grandparents have purchased for Yana and midway through the celebration Grampa Hal pulls Lexa aside to discuss the future. They've had conversations over the phone when Clarke has called to check on them. Hal always asks to speak to Lexa. The first time it was a bit awkward because Lexa had no memory of the man and she was afraid he was going to talk to her about things she couldn't recall. Luckily, Grampa Hal was a compassionate man and eased into the relationship with small talk about how Lexa was feeling and how Clarke was doing, was she eating right and getting plenty of exercise. Today, the conversation is far more serious though. Hal leads Lexa to his study, motioning for her to sit in the chair in front of the desk while he closes the door and then takes his seat behind it. He sits his reading glasses on the bridge of his nose and begins to shuffle through paperwork on this desk, making idle conversation about having to have Grace's car serviced earlier that week and how he went in with a 4 year old car that needed a oil change and a tire rotation and came out with a brand new Buick Enclave that his wife had been staring at on commercials for 5 months. Finally, his eyes settle on the papers he's been looking for and he smiles, looking up at her like he's about to hand her the answer to the meaning of life.

"Clarke's mother was our only child," he starts off, glancing down at the paper in his hand. "Grace wanted more but I was far too pragmatic and needed to know that I'd be able to provide for the family I had before adding any more mouths to feed. In the end, we were glad we only had one. When Abby got pregnant with Clarke we were so excited and even though we kind of hoped there would be a couple more, we've never missed out on anything having Clarke as our granddaughter. We didn't know anything about Clarke wanting to go to art school. We had always thought that medicine was what she wanted to do with her life. When we found out that she was moving to Sarasota, away from us after all this time, and on your dime......we were shocked to say the least."

"Actually sir," Lexa says politely, "Her mother pays for the apartment using part of Clarke's trust money.."

"Yes but you paid for her school. The reason why she's there. The dream she's had that she felt like no one else believed in. But you did."

"I love her," the brunette smiles. "I believe in her. Her dreams, her values, her hopes for the future..."

"You are a beautiful person, Lexa," Hal offers. He slides the paper, along with another, across the desk towards her. "Grace and I won't be around forever. And we'd like to go out knowing that we did everything we could to show the people we cared about how much they meant to us. I know that you and your brother have been living with the girls and I know that you've both been providing groceries and paying for utilities as well as you paying for Clarke's out of pocket medical expenses, co insurances and such. I know it's expensive and I know you don't ask for help but I want you to know that I'm thankful for everything you do for my granddaughter. And my great-granddaughter, too."

"I will always take care of them, sir. They are my life.." Lexa tells him sincerely.

"Let me help you," he explains. "This paper tells you that the property at that address is yours. Yours and Clarke's."

"Sir, I.....I can't accept this.."

"Yes you can," Hal stops her. "You can and you will. The apartment is nice but....far too small for two couples and a baby. You have no storage space, no yard. The apartment is up 2 flights of stairs and that is dangerous for Clarke. Lexa, I would not be doing this for just anyone. I like you. And I like you for her. Same way I like your brother for Raven and the same way I liked Jake for Abby. You are a good fit and I want to give you the best foundation with which to start this journey."

"Mr. Clarke, I-"

"No, you call me either Hal or Grampa," he grins. "It's already yours, honey. Take it. It's right on the beach, still close to the school and the same distance from your parents. 4 bedroom, 3 bath, and a beautiful front drive for that baby of yours to learn how to ride a damn bike like a normal child. She doesn't need all this technology - video games and apps and....none of that shit. She needs to get dirty, scrape her knees, fall down and learn to get back up. Because life is like that. It knocks you down but you get back up and Lexa that is what you're doing. Getting back up. Sometimes you just need a hand."

The next thing he gives her is a box. A ring box with a gorgeous antique engagement ring in it. She stares at it, unsure of why he's giving it to her, like he thinks she either can't pick out something pretty enough for Clarke on her own or she can't afford to. He senses her internal struggle and begins to explain this 'gift'.

"This was the ring my father gave my mother when he proposed. When I proposed to Grace, my father gave me this ring to give to her. We never had a boy to pass it to, and Jake used his mother's engagement ring to propose to Abby, so I've been saving this hoping one day I'd have someone to give it to. A grandson or perhaps a great grandson..."

He stands up and walks around the desk to put his hand on her shoulder and kiss the top of her head.

"But there isn't a person in this world that I think deserves to have this ring more than Clarke and there's not another human being I'd trust her with more than you," he says patting her shoulder and giving it a gentle squeeze. "I'm not telling you that you have to do it now....or even soon. I'm just telling you that when you're ready, you've got my blessing."

"Thank you, sir," Lexa chokes out, wiping tears from her cheeks. "You have no idea how much this means to me.."

"Grace and I love you and your brother like our own," he whispers to her. "Take care of our girls for us.."

*** * ***

"What's your Grandma's middle name?"

"What??" Clarke quirks her eyebrow at her.

"What is your grandmother's middle name? Your mother's mother.....Grace....what is her middle name?"

"Revé," the blonde answers with a knowing smirk. "Why?"

"I think Yana should have her middle name," the brunette says, rubbing her hand across Clarke's belly soothingly.

Clarke watches as Lexa lowers her face to her baby bump, kissing just above her belly button.

"What do you think Nani?? " she cooes, "You like Revé? You think that suits you?? Yana Revé...." she says it out loud, to both the baby and her girlfriend. "Yep....that sounds like my little trouble maker.."

"OUR little trouble maker," Clarke corrects her with a giggle. "I'm not just an incubator here, Woods."

"Will we hyphenate her last name??" Lexa asks. "Griffin-Woods or Woods-Griffin?"

"No," the blonde shakes her head, reaching down to lace her fingers with her girlfriends. "She should have your last name. I'm a bit of a traditionalist that way...."

"But don't you want her to have yours, too? You're her mo-"

"Well yes I am but I don't really think that the last name needs to be hyphenated," Clarke assures her, rubbing her thumb over Lexa's. "I'm carrying her and delivering her. I'll always have that, ya know? But I think she should have your last name. So even when you feel like you didn't do much during the pregnancy, physically I mean, you'll know that she's every bit of yours as much as she is mine. And that I am proud of that, too.."

"That's true," Lexa hums and Clarke smiles down at her, watching the brunette look up and open her mouth to speak again.

"Or......you could marry me and both of my favorite girls could have my last name..."

  



	10. Say Yes

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> **Trigger Warning: The first section of this (in italics) is meant to get you insight into part of Clarke's relationship with Finn. There are parts that some people might find disturbing as they depict both verbal and physical abuse as well as brief mention of rape.**
> 
>   
> 

**Rewind 5 years**

_Finn takes her to New York with him for the holidays. His mother and father made the request during their phone call at Thanksgiving and initially it worried Clarke because they had only been seeing each other since April, and that was even the 2 month break during the summer while Finn was away travelling. But when Finn turned to her, oh so sincerely, and asked if she would join him and his family for Christmas and New Years, she told him she'd be delighted to. Things are going great between them and Finn continues to be a total gentleman. The day after they arrive, Finn's mother makes a reservation for dinner at the fanciest restaurant Clarke has ever been to. Finn takes her shopping for the perfect dress for the outing and complements her all evening telling her how great she looks in it. After everyone finishes the main course and just before the waiter stops by to ask about dessert, Finn clears his throat, gets up from his chair, and drops to one knee in front of her. He holds a small box out in the palm of his hand, open and flashing the most breathtaking ring she's ever seen. The diamond is large, the tiny sapphires all around it shimmer in the dim candle-lighting of the restaurant, and Clarke feels like she can't breathe._

_This isn't how she'd pictured it - how she'd seen it in her head as a small girl who had listened to her daddy tell her a few too many princess stories. She expected to feel an overwhelming sense of joy and excitement, she expected the sun to shine even through the night sky. She expected to be told beautiful things like why the man she thought she loved, loved her back and why he wanted to spend his life with her. She wanted to hear what he saw for their future, what he hoped for with her. She just wanted something....anything that wasn't just....this._

_But all he says is, 'Marry me, Clarke'. Like it's the most obvious thing in the world. Like she'd be stupid not to. And she starts to think that maybe she would be. So she says yes. Without another thought she says yes and pretends that it feels right. And later that night when he kisses her, sneaking his hand up her dress for the first time, she says yes again. She knows it's not his first time, though he's told her he's not very experienced. She also knows that he's been patient with her and he's waited and after he slid that ring onto her finger the loudest thought that went through her mind was 'it's time'. He's not gentle. He's rushed and anxious and it hurts because she's not near wet enough but he pushes so she tries to relax until eventually it's over. He steps out to have a cigarette and tells her to take the sheets off the bed and put a new set on so they can sleep without rolling into a mess. When he leaves, she stares at the bloody sheet and cries thinking about how wrong it all felt and how much she wishes she could take it back._

_She thinks that maybe giving him what he's been waiting for will make things better between them - like saying 'yes' to him means that from here everything else is a cake-walk. But it only makes it worse, she discovers. Once they're back in Gainesville, Finn begins staying every night at her apartment, bringing more and more of his stuff over each time. He starts making little comments about her clothes, snide remarks about her weight, and eventually he starts ordering for her when they go out to eat. At first she thinks it's sweet - he cares about her and he wants to be honest with her. He cares about her appearance and her health and that's why he does it. The situation comes to a head one night when he tells her she can't have another breadstick, like a parent tells a small child, in the middle of a very crowded restaurant. When she tries to joke with him that they're 'soooo good' and she can't even resist, he reaches over, grabs her hand, and yanks the engagement ring off, nearly dislocating her finger in the process._

_"I'm taking the ring off so it doesn't get stuck on your fat fingers," the boy hisses. "You want it back, you can earn it."_

_If she had to pick a moment where everything went to shit - where their whole relationship went to hell in a handbag, that would be it. That's when the cheating started and when Finn turned into someone she didn't know. Or at least that's when she really saw it for what it was; what it had been all along. He gave her back the ring but only so he could remind her every day that he 'owned' her. That she belonged to him, a willing captive. All because she said Yes._

_The night she shows up at Raven's it's because Finn got too aggressive, too scary, and she had to get away. They'd been drinking with some friends of his, a group of guys with rich families like his, and one of his friends had winked at her. She'd turned her head away from him, a safety precaution in case Finn had witnessed the guys advance, but after several minutes and nothing was said she assumed he'd missed it. After they all left, he backed her into a corner, asking her if she liked having other guys look at her like that - if she enjoyed thinking about the things they wanted to do to her. She tried to reason with him, but he threw her against the bed, ripping off her clothes and holding her against the mattress. He wasn't even inside her more than a minute before he ripped the ring off her finger again, forcing it into her mouth and covering her lips with his palm trying to make her swallow it. She started to choke and all he'd done was whisper in her ear that he was doing her a favor because once he was done with her, no one would ever want her again. She felt herself starting to swallow and the diamond scratched at her throat causing her to gag._

_It scared her thinking that this could be it - that this is how she'd die and that someone would find her like this maybe. Naked, stretched out and open, with a gawdy ring shoved down her throat. And if hurt like hell thinking someone she cared about could go from being so kind to her, to feeling like she was theirs to do with what they pleased. What disgusted her most, however, was thinking that she'd bought into it - that she'd believed he loved her. And even worse, that she believed no one else would ever love her again. Not like he did._

_She doesn't tell anyone about what happened and she swears to herself, from the safety of Raven's couch that night, that she'll never see him again, promising never to trust anyone the same way she trusted him. After a week, she's finds herself returned to the bed they once shared - him above her, biting bruises into her neck - and she can't help but close her eyes, trying to remember what life was like before him and crying internally for not being able to get back to that._

*** * ***

**Present Day**

Clarke feels the tear drop sliding down her cheek and comes back to reality to find Lexa watching her patiently.....waiting for her to speak.

She can't tell her what happened. She can't explain the kind of irreparable damage that Finn has done to her. She's told Lexa things - many things that she never told anyone else or ever even thought she could. But this is.......this is too much. How could she possibly make Lexa understand that something she thought about all the time, something she dreamed about like growing old with this beautiful human in front of her, was now scaring her to the point that she wanted to run. The thought of saying yes to Lexa and having things shift into something she couldn't recognize again, it made her shiver.

But Lexa. Sweet, adorable, loving and strong, Lexa. She's waiting for an answer, and Clarke feels like if she doesn't speak soon, if she doesn't give her something, she's going to lose her.

"Marry you?" Clarke whispers in awe, finding her voice enough to speak up and confirm - albeit through a stutter. "You....you want me to...Y-you want to marry me??"

"I do," Lexa smiles, pressing another kiss to her belly. "Or, I guess I should save that for the wedding day but.....I mean....I will. If you will??"

"Why?" the blonde's voice cracks, her eyes watering even more. "Why do you want to marry me, Lexa?"

Lexa contemplates the best approach to this, debating whether or not she may have already screwed that to hell and back. She could have been more romantic. Fuck, there could have been flowers and a fancy dinner, violins playing as she dropped to her knee and professed her undying love. She could have at least had the ring ready, for fucks sake, but....she'd let the thought escape without even considering how it may have seemed to her girlfriend. A proposal was supposed to be impressive - it was supposed to be inspiring. She'd made it seem like a joke, and that made her cringe thinking Clarke didn't believe she was serious.

She started working through things to say, things like 'you're the most beautiful person I've ever laid eyes on' or 'because I love you, stupid' or 'someday when I'm 80, I want it to be you in the rocking chair next to me'. But none of that really says it all. None of those things really sum it up and Lexa feels herself struggling to find the right thing to say. She's not really sure there is a right answer. She hasn't got a clue what answer Clarke is looking for - what will calm her fears and make saying 'yes' that much easier. She starts to feel like going at this half-cocked was the worst thing she could have done. And then, just like that, Lexa finds it. Somewhere in the gentle touch of their skin, the way their breathing seems to sync and the way their bodies always feel at home next to each other.

"You keep me living and breathing," she confesses. "-striving to be the best I can for you......and for our daughter. You are a lullaby that puts me to sleep and a soft, soothing melody I wake up to every morning. You are the rhythm I fall into and feel complete. You are my heart-beat, Clarke. Without you.....I don't exist."

Blue eyes stare back at her and she can't help feeling like maybe Clarke doesn't want this. Maybe it's too much, too honest, too soon. She thinks maybe she should have waited, given them both time to get through the pregnancy, adjust to the new addition, and then decide on the future. 

"Clarke...?" she asks tentively. "Clarke it's okay if you......if you're not ready for this. Maybe...I mean, maybe you saw this going different.................with someone different....I don't know..."

"Lexa, I-" the blonde shakes her head, wiping at her eyes. "I love you, so much. But I'm so fucking scared.."

"Scared of me? Of......a future with me?"

"No, I want that more than anything in this world," Clarke admits, her fingers tangling in Lexa's hair. "I'm just so afraid to get my hopes up and have you realize after all of this, after she's born, that....maybe you don't want me. I'm scared you're going to realize that you'd rather just be a parent to our daughter and that you can do that without having to be with me...."

"Clarke, didn't you listen to what I just said?" Lexa argues with her. "I'm not with you out of obligation. And I didn't ask you to marry me because I felt like I had to in order to be there for my daughter. I love you Clarke. I loved you before I even knew that Yana was mine. And that hasn't changed. Not in the least. I want to marry you. I want to spend the rest of my life with you. I want to wake you up with breakfast in bed every morning and sit across from you every night while we eat dinner. I want to sit and watch you and our daughter paint masterpieces on the weekends and I want to lay in the hammock with you while we watch her and Mace run along the shore. And it's not because of her. I love her already, and I have no doubts that being her mama will give me so much joy, but there's no one in this world I'd rather share that with than you, Clarke. Sweetheart, I want to share my life with you.."

"I don't understand why. After how horrible I've been-"

"The universe saw fit to give you to me. Twice," the brunette chuckles, pulling the blonde's hand out of her hair and kissing it gently. "What kind of fool would I be to not keep you? You're mine, Clarke. You're it for me. I just need you to tell me that you feel the same..."

She laces their fingers together, her thumb rubbing encouragingly over her girlfriends.

"Say yes, Clarke. If this is what you want, just say yes.."

"Please don't hurt me, Lexa," Clarke cries, squeezing her eyes shut as if she's trying to block out the world. "Please don't use this as some excuse to treat me however and then expect me to-"

"Clarke Abigail Griffin," Lexa interrupts her, getting up to kneel on the bed in front of her, "I swear to be loyal to you, to love you even when I don't necessarily _like_ you or the way you're acting. I swear to look out for you, to treat your needs as if they are my own, to love and respect your family and friends as if they are my own. I swear to stand by you and protect you, and I need you to know that I will never put my hands on you out of anger. I swear to honor you in every way that I can, to listen to what you have to say, and to respect your wishes even if I do not share the same opinion.."

"Lex..." she says, throwing her free hand over her face.

"Marry me, Clarke," the brunette persists. "Marry me and I swear to every star in the heavens that I will spend every single day making sure that you don't regret it.."

"Okay," the blonde barely gets out, nodding to herself with her eyes closed.

She feels Lexa's hands caress her cheeks, asking her attention. Their eyes meet and her heart clenches at the tears in Lexa's eyes.

"Are you....are you telling me you will?? You're saying yes??"

"Yes, Lexa," she confirms, pulling her forward so their lips meet. She breaks the kiss, murmuring against her lover's lips, "Name the time and place and I'm there. Look for me in my white dress and bare feet, baby."

"Guess we're having a beach wedding then," the other girl teases.

"Damn right we are!" Clarke laughs, using her shirt to dry her face of any remaining tears. "And I want a ring. And a house, Mowgli. Those stairs are trying to kill me, I swear. I'm not even that huge yet, I can't even imagine. It doesn't have to be big and fancy, baby, I just....I want something that's ours.."

"Well, I think I can manage that.." Lexa drawls, giving her a reassuring smooch. "Just you wait and see. I'm gonna knock your socks off, Clarke Griffin."

"You always do, charming."

  



	11. Castles in the Sand

**A week and a half later...**

"Lex," Clarke murmurs into the pillow, "What the hell are you doing?" 

The brunette's front is pressed so tightly to the blonde's back, her arm wrapped protectively around the belly that houses their baby girl.  She nuzzles against Clarke's ear, rubbing her nose, lips, and then cheek against her. 

"Did you know," Lexa rasps, "that wolves know each other by their smell?" 

"Yes," Clarke giggles, her eyes opening as she feels gentle paws stretching out to touch her, a tentative lick against her arm, and then hand, followed by a wet nose against hers and the smell of puppy breath. "Good morning to you too, Mace.  How's mommy's baby boy?" 

The wolf pup crawls forward, licking any part of her within reach and rubbing his head against her chin.  Most nights, he wedged himself between the two of them, but the brunette had taken to moving him because he needed to 'learn his place'. 

"LEXA!" Clarke scolded as Lexa growled lightly, pushing her semi-hard dick against the blonde's ass. "Are you trying to get him to bite you? Jesus.  Leave him alone." 

"He needs to know that you're mine," Lexa husked, rubbing herself against Clarke's rear and kissing and nibbling the shell of her ear. "He needs to understand that in this pack, I'm the Alpha.  He has to respect me as his superior." 

"And that explains why you're trying to melt into me??  So he'll know that I'm yours?" 

"Yes," the brunette smiles against her neck. "I'm scent marking you so he knows that you belong to me." 

"Mmmmm," Clarke hums, closing her eyes and reaching a hand between her legs to rub her already wet folds. "Is that so?" 

"It is," her girlfriend confirms with a gentle thrust against her ass-cheek. "That's how it works in the animal kingdom, babe.  Your scent is your claim over your territory. And you," she says, sliding her hand up to palm Clarke's breast, kneading and pinching, "are my territory.  Your body is my domain and I wish a motherfucker would-" 

"Watch your mouth," Clarke tuts, mid moan as her finger circle's her own clit teasingly. 

"That's no way to talk to your Alpha," Lexa warns, biting down on her pulse point briefly using a hand to bat the puppy away and shew him off the bed. "Maybe I ought to be teaching you to respect me-" 

She's interrupted by Clarke turning in her grasp and hushing her with a wet finger over her pouty lips.  She kisses her, pulling at her bottom lip slightly before letting up and rubbing her fingers over the brunette's jaw and neck. 

"Did you just-" 

"Considered yourself marked now too, my Alpha," Clarke gives her a sassy grin. 

"Oooh, you're so dirty.." Lexa purrs against her lover's lips.

"You love it. And you love me." 

Lexa grabs her hand and puts it on her thick shaft, hard and straining against her boxer briefs. "We both do.."

"And you're both going to have to wait until tonight," Clarke says giving her a quick stroke before she pulls her hand away. "You told your brother you'd help him at work today, remember? It's almost 8 and you know he likes to get out early.."

"Fuck," the brunette pouts. "Tonight, though? You promise?"

"I swear, baby. I'll be ready and waiting for you.."

"Goddamnit," Lexa huffs as she throws the covers back. "Leave it Layne to cockblock even when he's not fucking here."

"Save that aggression for later, Alpha," Clarke chimes as Lexa disappears into their bathroom to get a shower.

*** * ***

Clarke takes some time after Lexa leaves to sit down and gather her thoughts. They haven't told anyone about Lexa proposing. Clarke's not even sure if Lexa hasn't decided to take it back, now. She certainly hasn't mentioned it again. It's not like there's a ring on her finger to really attest to the fact that they are actually engaged. In her dreams, there hadn't been a lot of detail. A fantasy dress or perhaps a particular color scheme - flowers maybe or even the first song they danced to. And that let Clarke to thoughts about who would walk her down the isle. She wasn't sure if Lex planned to walk down the isle with her dad or if she just wanted to wait for Clarke at the altar, but the thought occurred to her that...her dad was gone and there was no one to fill his spot.

 _Why should it have to be my dad?_ she thought. _Why couldn't my mom walk me? She's had to play both parts since passed. Why not now? Would she want to do that? Or what about my Grampa? He could walk me.......if he wants to. What if he can't walk by then? Holy crap, what if I can't walk?? What if there's a complication and my doctor puts me on bed-rest?? What if we did the wedding after the baby's born? Or, we could just NOT do a wedding and have a big party instead? Save our money for the honeymoon. We could do that._

_But I really want a wedding...._

_Is Lexa thinking about this stuff, too?? What if I'm busy thinking about this while she's out doing God knows what-NO! Don't think like that, Clarke. Lexa's not Finn. Lexa will never EVER be Finn. Finn is gone and it's time for you to let go of every bit of hurt you're still harboring. You're making Lexa pay for his mistakes, Clarke. Blaming her for shit he did - just waiting for her to do the same. But she's not like that. Pull yourself together!_

She decides to write it all down instead. It's been a while and she needs to get it all out instead of trying to process it in her head. She finds her old notebook, makes herself comfortable on the bed, and begins.

> Lexa, my sweet love,
> 
> This is going to sound horrible, at first, and so I apologize for the way it might come across, but I'm getting this out as much for me as I am for you. Who knows if by the time you read this, we may already be married with 3 kids, a house, and our whole lives ahead of us. Who knows if you'll have your memory back - if you'll remember the way we met, remember the first memories we made. Either way, I'm just grateful to have you.
> 
> What will probably sound bad is that....sometimes I'm glad you don't remember the past. I'm glad you don't remember being with anyone else. I'm glad that you can see our relationship with this.....child-like innocence almost. I'm glad that when you look at me I don't feel like you're comparing me to someone you slept with before - that someone being Costia. 
> 
> I don't know the specifics about your relationship, and I don't know how you two acted when you were around each other in private. All I know is what I saw the night she came to see you and found me with you. I remember thinking how beautiful she was, how perfect you two looked together, and how there was really no way I could compete with her. She knew you long before I did. She knew your body and what your liked and watching you together...there was this familiarity between you. You always said that it was never anything other than sex, but I saw the way she looked at you. She loved you, and from what I saw a few months ago, there's a part of her that still loves you. Sometimes, I wonder if the situation had been different, if you might not have ended up with her. 
> 
> But I'm so glad you didn't. Because you look at me like I'm the sun and you're so thankful to see me every day. And I've never had someone look at me like that.
> 
> You asked me to marry you and trust me when I say that I have literally imagined walking down the isle a thousand times before. Seeing you standing there waiting for me with the brightest smile on your face and tearful green eyes, watching you mouth the words 'I love you' like it's just me and you and no one else can see us. I never said anything before. We, as a couple, were so 'new' before the accident and then afterwards it was like....a blank slate. Marriage seemed like the furthest thing in the realm of possibilities. But, God did it feel good to imagine that -- it still does. Because I can tell how much you love me - I can tell how real this love is for you, how intense.
> 
> I feel like I punish you sometimes and the night you proposed, sadly, was one of them. I was so shocked and scared and you looked so heartbroken when I didn't immediately say 'yes' and......I want you to know that it killed me seeing that look on your face. I'm sorry that my past still hurts me and that, in turn, it makes me hurt you. 
> 
> It's not your fault. The one before you broke me, and I never suspected it because he was so sweet at first, so genuine. I met him because of Raven. She took me out partying and he was there - like a spider, just waiting for someone to trip into his web. And I did. I didn't know him or his past or his family and their influence. I had no clue. I just thought he was nice and somewhat attractive and I was in college. I had made it. And it was time to live. 
> 
> He was confident, so sure of himself and I felt like I could trust him to take care of everything because that's just the type of person he was. He seemed like he always had things under control. It shouldn't have surprised me that he wanted to control me, too. It started slow and small, little things I didn't notice until the big things started happening. I used to think he was just being attentive; he always seemed so compassionate when it came to my needs. I realized too late that he was training me - teaching me to be his subservient little house wife. To listen to him, to obey him, to bend for him. And when I didn't bend, he would break me. Just to show he could. And I let him because I thought he cared. Deep down, in his own little way, I thought he really did love me. Because he stayed. Even if he wasn't there all the time, he was still there. And I thought that meant something. I thought that was enough. 
> 
> I thought one day maybe I would be enough...
> 
> The more he drank, the more I drank. And the more I drank, the less inclined I was to leave. He didn't always hit me. Even when he did, it didn't really hurt. Not physically. It destroyed me inside because I knew it wasn't supposed to be that way. It occurred to me that this was probably what he'd grown up around. A father who always seemed to have it under control - running his household like some military general. When in truth he was a drunk. An abusive drunk that told his wife he owned her and that he'd kill her before he let her divorce him. Dead wives can't take your fortune. 
> 
> I used to think I could change him - if I just showed him that I was someone he could trust, someone he could relax with. He just wanted someone to dominate. The way his father used to dominate. Something I witnessed when I met his parents for the first time. His father had this commanding way about him, the same way Finn did. No doubt it was something he learned or maybe just an attitude that developed, partly nature and partly nurture. Whatever it was, it turned from commanding to tyrannical when he drank. He became this monster that would terrorize me. And most of the time, I was too drunk to function. Too drunk to run away. Too drunk to react. 
> 
> The truth is, somewhere in my head I knew that one day he would kill me. I knew and I still went back. I think I hoped for it, in a way that I hate to even think about because I feel so selfish for ever having believed that that was the answer. But I did. I think I wanted him to just end it for me because I really did believe there wasn't another way to be done with it all. I couldn't leave him alone because I didn't think anyone else w ould ever understand or accept me. I thought I was damaged goods. I couldn't stay with him either, though. I couldn't live day in and day out like that...not again. I was desperate for a fucking light at the end of the tunnel...
> 
> I blocked out so much of our relationship that sometimes I feel like I'm not sure if it really happened or if I made it up in my own head - just a drunken hallucination that resurfaces once in a while. Even after I left him, he never acknowledged that it happened - that he hurt me, tore me down until I couldn't stand on my own, without him. But I can't blame him, because I do the same. Telling my friends and my mom everything about what happened......it would make me look so stupid and I don't want them to ever know that I was that dumb. But, I get these flashes in my head, at the most inopportune times, and it throws me off for a little bit. Reminds me that it did happen and that I'm not crazy. And it makes it so goddamn hard to separate the past from the present because when it hits me, it feels so fucking real - it feels like I'm still there, with him, and like it will never stop. 
> 
> And then I see you. I see those tender eyes and those lips that worship me and I feel your arms around me - so powerful, so unwavering. You always find ways to show me that I'm worthy of so much more than what he gave me and for that I'll never be able to thank you enough. You are a thousand times stronger he ever was, in so many ways, and yet you never use that strength to hurt me, only to protect me from whoever and whatever you feel is a threat - even myself. You do everything in your power to make sure I don't feel bad about myself, to make sure that I know how you see me and how special I am to you, and I can only hope that you know how much I adore you.
> 
> I'm sorry I push you away, and I promise I'll be better about that. Because I trust you, baby. I realized the moment I said yes to marrying you that I would be willing to do anything you asked me to - that I trust you with my heart, with my life. I realized that I'm not scared of anything when I'm with you, not really. I'm really only scared of being without you. 
> 
> You are the best thing to ever happen to me, Mowgli, and I can't wait to marry you and spend our lives together. I'm so excited for "Nani-bear" to get to know you - to see what I see in you and to love you like I do. You are going to be the most amazing wife to me and an outstanding mama to our child. I can see us having more, too. Whether biological or adopted, I can see us having a house full of little rugrats running around. And there is absolutely nothing that makes me happier than to picture that chaotic mess of a future with the love of my life.
> 
> I love you so much, baby.
> 
> I promise to tell you that more often.
> 
> <3 C. (soon to be) W.

*** * ***

"I can't believe he gave you a house," Layne says, wiping the sweat off his forehead with his arm.

"I know," Lexa says, holding up the side of the crib they're putting together. "I was just as shocked. I was...pissed for like a second. I thought he didn't trust me to be able to take care of Clarke....but he was really cool about it."

"When are you getting the lights and shit turned on in here?" her twin asks. "I mean, yeah, it's 'winter' but it's still hot as balls and the air in here is just....stagnant. You gotta get that taken care of before you bring her in here."

"I'm going tomorrow to do that and Tris is coming over to help paint Friday. Anya will be here tomorrow afternoon and she's already agreed to help paint, too. I need you to help me lay the tape down today though before we leave. One less thing to do when we show up to paint."

"Good thing Clarke hasn't missed those swatches you guys picked out," Layne chuckles, reaching out for the screwdriver on the floor beside him. "What are you gonna tell her if she suddenly decides it's time to paint the apartment?? I'm not looking forward to that fight.."

"Hopefully she won't. We're this close to Christmas - I'm sure she'll be busy with other shit," the brunette shrugs. "Hey, did you get that helmet for Raven?"

"Yes mother," her brother jokes. "She's gonna flip when she sees that bike. Thanks for selling her to me cheap."

"Sure," she hums. "No problem. Besides, after Clarke went on that tangent about me being safe and sticking around for her and Yana, I felt like it would be a way to show her I intend to do just that.."

"Like a house doesn't say that enough," Layne laughs from his place under the crib. "So the whole crew is gonna be here for it, yeah?"

"Yeah," Lexa nods.

Her brother crawls out from under the baby bed, setting his tools down before he stands up. "You don't seem to happy about that...what's up?"

"It's nothing."

"Fea, you're a terrible liar," he says, leaning slightly on one side of the masterpiece they had finally finished. "Tell me what's going on."

"Bellamy has been texting Clarke," she admits. "Remember how him and his girl broke up - that girl Gina that was friends with Anya - well apparently they broke up because Gina accused him of being in love with Clarke and said that she needed someone who could be with her and love her for her. Not try to make her be someone else..."

"Who told you that?"

"Nobody. Bellamy sent that in a text to Clarke," Lexa tells him, looking out the window of the baby's room towards the beach. "He also told her it was true. That he is in love with her. Has been for a while. I guess he.....I guess he um...thought that with me losing my memory that he would be able to get Clarke. That's what the text said anyway.."

"Yeah, fat chance of that," her brother protests. "So....you've just been holding onto this? Letting it eat you up inside?? What did Clarke say to him?"

"Nothing," she says. "There was no reply..."

"You're upset because she didn't reply.."

"No-"

"Then why?" he questions.

"He called me a freak!" Lexa blurts out to her brother, becoming increasingly more embarrassed after. "He was nice to me at the party. Well, sort of. Clarke said he was just so drunk and when I accused him of being the..."baby-daddy"...he didn't even flinch and just went with it. But I think he knew. After reading those texts I.....I think he just wanted me to get the idea that they were something...so I'd leave her alone. In the text, he said he'd heard that I was 'packing' before but he never believed it because people talk so much shit now-a-days. He said he couldn't believe she'd even considering starting a family with a freak like me and that it could be genetic - that our baby could-"

"Uh uh, don't you fucking listen to him!" Layne scolds her, standing up straight. "You hear me? That motherfucker doesn't know you. He can't say shit about you, okay? Clarke knows what a good person you are and she loves you. Raven, Octavia, Lincoln, Harper......even that crazy little shit with the goggles.."

"Jasper?"

"Yeah, Jasper. Look, they all love you. So don't you dare be embarrassed or...whatever because of who you are. We never wanted to put your business out there, Mowgli, but....Clarke didn't want people thinking she'd been unfaithful to you."

"I understand.."

"Nobody cares that you're different down there," he continues, "That's between you, your woman, and your Creator. Fact is, we've all been rooting for you two to get back together this whole time and now that you are.....we're fucking thrilled - all of us. So don't let that pussy-ass fucking douche-bag make you feel like you are any less deserving of happiness. _Your baby_ is perfect. We all saw the picture of the ultrasound! We all heard what the doctor said - She's fucking perfect. And he's a jealous sonofabitch because he knows he wishes that little girl were his!"

"Yeah....I know.." she nods.

"She's not though, Lexa. No matter how much he wishes he could change that, both of those beauties are yours and ain't no way in hell you're gonna let him take that from you!"

"Layne, what if I never remember?" she argues with tears in her eyes. "I asked her to marry me but.......what if she gets tired of having to play the memory game? Having to tell me everything? Having to teach me? I'm supposed to be able to help her with this baby, Layne, I-"

"Lexa, Clarke doesn't think of you as a fucking project or someone she has to baby," he explains. "Clarke loves you. She loves you so much she stuck around and let all of us decide _for her_ what her relationship with you was going to be. Because she just wanted to be around you. She just wanted to be here. That girl loves you like she loves chocolate cake - **_maybe_** more. Stop doubting yourself just because you _think_ you've got competition. I need you to stop feeling like a victim and start acting like the goddamn gladiator that you are! You love her, fight for her dammit!"

Seconds later the door to the baby's room swings open and Anya bursts in with her arms wide open and a shit-eating grin on her face.

"Surprise muthafuckas!! I'm early!!" she shouts excitedly, as the twins stare at her with their mouths gaping and their eyes watery.

"Well damn," she jokes, "Don't go getting all emotional on me. I missed you fuckers too."

  



	12. Wrong or Right

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> <<<< PLEASE READ BEFORE YOU PROCEED >>>>
> 
> TRIGGER WARNINGS: Mentions of abuse/violence (both child and domestic), non-con/dub-con, drug use and drinking, miscarriage, discussion about suicide (with vaguely graphic description), talk of repressed memories and emotional upset associated with them coming back up.
> 
> Basically this chapter is all kinds of f***'d up. But....it's a necessary evil. It was originally multiple chapters but to spare you having to read several chapters of upset, I condensed it into one so that we can proceed to happier things.
> 
> ***If you wish to skip this chapter due to triggers***  
> Please do. I have put notes at the bottom that can brief you on a few main points of the chapter (will mention the non-con/dub-con but no description), just so you don't feel completely lost going into the next chapter when it's posted.

"Thanks for having me over, Clarke," Ontari says, setting her bag on the bar stool in front of the kitchen counter. 

"All this holiday shit and....my mom is crazy as fuck," she rants, "My brother keeps annoying me and-well I just know I'm not going to get anything accomplished during this winter break if I don't get some peace and fucking quiet.  Thank you, also, for the invitation to have dinner with your family on Christmas Eve.  My mom was actually the happiest I've seen her all week when I told her that.  She was just like, ' _Thank fuck! You're brother's gonna be at Jenna's and with you gone that means I don't have to worry about feeding anyone but myself._ '  Yeah, she wins at parenting, as you can see.."

Clarke had informed Lexa that her new friend Ontari would be joining them for Christmas Eve dinner, as well as coming over a few days before so they could work on a few projects over Winter break.  Of course, Lexa had smiled, kissed her on the forehead, and told her that she'd inform her mother to be prepared for one more.  What Clarke didn't find out until later was that Indra had invited a few people she hadn't considered might be there.  Nyko and his girlfriend, as well as his little brother, had been invited.  Tris and her baby sister Caris had been invited because their parents typically used the holidays to hold social events for coworkers and people who were just as oblivious to their family and more concerned with business as they were.  Like Nyko and Arti's parents, in fact.  With Tris being invited, though, that meant Costia and Arabella were invited by association because they seemed to be a package deal lately.  Clarke had tried to seem un-phased when Indra told her who all would be coming aside from the Delinquents and Clarke's mom and grandparents.

"Ha, it's no problem Tari.  We're happy to have you," the blonde laughs, "My friends from Gainesville are coming, we don't see other very often now, and the twins have a few friends that will be joining us for dinner as well."

"Ooh, sounds like a crowd," the brunette says. "Your girlfriend's mom must feel like she's feeding an army."

"This is the usual for her," Clarke shrugs it off. "And as for today, Raven is at physical therapy and then she's surprising Layne at the marina and Lex is out doing some last minute shopping.  So it's just you, me, and the pup."

"He's adorable, by the way," her guest says, scratching behind the wolf pup's ears. "Is he yours?"

"He's actually Lex's but I always give her shit about him liking me better," Clarke giggles, blowing Mace a kiss. "Come on, all my stuffs in my bedroom.  It's kind of a mess right now because we've been wrapping gifts but....nothing stinks, so I'd say we're good."

"The struggle is real," Ontari jokes, following Clarke into her room. "My room is an absolute disaster area.  I wish I could blame the holidays, honestly, but I think I'm just a chaotic person.  They say the most creative types are."

"I'll co-sign with you, there," the blonde agrees as they walk past the portrait she's been working on.

"Fuck that is so cool," her friend offers, admiring the painting up close. "It's so.....different.  Very taboo.  It reminds me of that movie, Fantasia, with the half-human half-horse people.  I don't know if that's what you were going for with painting like...her face and torso and then a dudes lower half, but I dig it."

"Umm, actually that's just her," she says, grabbing the edges of the canvas to move it. "I didn't realize I'd left this out."

There's a long pause that follows.

"Tari, please don't go telling everybody at school-" Clarke tries.

"Clarke, it's cool," Ontari assures her. "It's nobody's business but yours and I get that I wasn't meant to see that.  Don't stress over it."

"I'm not ashamed of her," the blonde wants to explain, but her friend interrupts again.

"I get it, honestly I do.  I don't know the story or the circumstance, but your girlfriend's junk doesn't define her, Clarke.  Just like you being pregnant or being an artist doesn't define you."

"I know but.....it's just some people aren't so accepting.  I'm having that issue right now with one of my friends from back home.."

"She one of those Bible-thumpers?" Ontari questions with a smirk.

"No, HE is not," Clarke corrects her. "His issue is......he has feelings for me.  And when he found out I was pregnant, he broke up with his long-time girlfriend and told he wanted to be with me."

"Do you reciprocate these 'feels'?"

"He's one of my best friends.  At one point, when I was younger, and dumber, yes, I wanted something with him.  But that feeling has long since passed."

"You sure?  Not harboring any residual lust or adoration?"

There was a time when she thought Bellamy was rather handsome.  And a time when he knew her feelings for him, and visa versa.

That summer right before she turned 18, before she and O started college and moved into their apartment, she and Bel shared a moment that gave her the nerve to admit she liked him just a little bit.  It was one night that she'd stayed over at their house, and Octavia had fallen asleep during the movie they were watching.  Clarke had snuck out into the kitchen for some water and Bellamy happened to be sitting in the living room watching a movie of his own, action and explosives of course.  She'd plopped herself down onto the couch next to him and reached her hand into the bowl of popcorn he'd made for himself.  He'd given her this look that at the time she wasn't sure what to do with, so she sat there, face-forward, with her eyes focused onto the screen. Before she knew it, his arm was around her shoulder, and her head was resting against him.  The movie finished, and still they sat there, his arm holding her close and her arm wrapped around his waist.

She spent that night in his room, getting drunk on the tiniest sips of his parents' alcohol, listening to him babble on about Greek Mythology.  It happened several times after that, during the summer and on into her freshman year, after she became an adult and he finally moved out of his parents house.  She would find herself at his place,  laying across his bed with him, his legs dangling over one side and both of their heads hanging off the other side until the blood rushed to their brains making them light-headed and giddy.  O was always busy with her new beau Atom, and the blonde's new friend (at the time) Raven had met a guy she was 'trying to figure out'.  This left Clarke with lots of time to spend with Bellamy and plenty of freedom to come and go without being asked by the boy's sister who she was going to meet or who she'd spent the night with.

They'd never had sex, though she knew that he wanted to.  It wasn't something he said, but then again, he didn't really have to.  He was quite a bit older than her, 26 to her 18, and Clarke knew he was no stranger to sex.  Octavia had told her stories during their high school years of Bel's many girlfriends and 'spend the night guests' when their parents weren't home.  That was mostly why O chose to stay at Clarke's when her parents left town.  The blonde had never asked him about any of them - never even made mention of hearing about them - but she knew she didn't want to be like them.  She knew she didn't want to be just _a girl_ on a list of girl's a mile long.  The most they shared physically was kisses (of which they had many) and hand-holding, or him standing behind her and wrapping one long arm around the front of her, across her collarbone, from one shoulder to the other.  During Thanksgiving, Bellamy snuck over to Clarke's after dinner, bringing her some of his dad's signature twice-baked potatos in exchange for a bowl of her mom's sweet potato casserole.  For Christmas her freshman year, when O was angry at her parents for leaving for vacation on Christmas day and not returning until after New Years, Clarke and her mother had both her and her brother over for Christmas Eve dinner, and they both stayed the night and spent Christmas Day there.  Bellamy had to stay in the pool house, and Clarke remembers sneaking out there during the night to lay in bed with him for a while before coming back inside to sleep in her own bed next to his sister. 

It was a relationship or at least it felt like it at the time.  Except no one who was important to the two of them knew about it.  They never had the talk where they said outright ' _We're together_ ' or ' _You're mine_ ', but it was something she thought was understood given how long it had been going on.  They never said ' _I love you'_ but she never felt the itch to say it and she didn't need to hear it from him.  It wouldn't have made a difference, then or now, whether they'd said those words or not.  Because actions speak louder, right?  She never questioned what he was doing when she wasn't able to see him or who he was talking to when she couldn't call because Octavia and Raven wanted a girl's night in for a change.  He never got upset when she wanted to go out with the girls and live the college life -- he told her to be young and free and enjoy herself.  It was a mutual respect, she thought.  And it was one of the reasons why she liked him so much.

That changed the night she met Finn.  It was nearing the end of Freshman year and she'd gotten a little wasted at a party with Raven and knew she couldn't count on the girl to get them back home safely.  She'd called Bellamy to come pick her up, an arrangement that had been going on between her and the older boy, only this time when Bellamy had shown up to get them, he was surprised to find Finn tagging along.  Usually she would hop into his car and, if it was just her, they would go straight to his new apartment, where he would down a few beers for himself and they would veg out on the couch watching movies.  If Raven was with her, he'd drop them both off at the apartment she and his sister shared, kissing her goodnight after Raven had already hurried inside.   That night, however, when they pulled up to Clarke and O's apartment,  the three of them hopped out, and Raven and Finn started walking towards the sidewalk leading to the stairs.  Clarke walked around to the driver's side window with the intention of saying 'thank you' once again, and getting her goodnight kiss, but the minute she leaned into the window, Bellamy had words waiting for her.

" _So that guy?  Really??_ " the older boy said, his hand waving wildly in the air in Finn's direction. " _The fuck Clarke?_ "

" _What are you--No! I just met him tonight, Bel_ ," she'd tried to calm him down. " _There's nothing even going on.  Why are you so angry with me?_ "

" _Because I feel like I don't know you anymore.  You're going out and getting drunk and inviting dudes like that back to your apartment.  And calling me to come pick the two of you up!_ "

" _Three of us_ ," she countered, " _There were THREE of us in your car.  And I'm not the one that invited him.  Raven did._ "

" _It's not even Raven's apartment, Clarke!_ " he growled. " _And it seemed to me like he was a lot more interested in you than her._ "

" _And how is that my fault?  I don't even understand why you're acting like this._ "

" _Because you should know better-_ "

" _Oh Jesus, why don't you go play big brother with your ACTUAL sister, Bellamy?!_ " she interrupted him, firing back. " _I thought we were wayyyy past that now.  I don't need to hear you scold me like I'm some little kid.._ "

" _Well you're fucking acting like one!_ " he yelled at her. " _Have some respect for yourself, Clarke.._ "

" _Maybe you should be showing me how by having more respect for me yourself!  I think you owe me as much._ "

" _I don't respect bratty teenage girls!_ "

" _No, but you sure like sharing a fucking bed with one!_ "

As soon as it was out of her mouth, she'd felt his palm across her face.  She remembers being thankful that Raven and Finn had already gone inside using her key, thankful that they hadn't seen him hit her, or the tears that came afterwards - after he'd tried to get out and apologize and she'd told him to go, told him she was stupid for ever thinking he was even close to being 'the one' and/or a 'real gentleman'.  She remembers sitting on that yellow parking block, wiping away a mix of sad and angry tears, telling herself it would never have worked out anyways, and that it was something she should have seen coming before.

18 year old Clarke was immature, and even though she wasn't interested in Finn to begin with, her fight with Bellamy left her needing to latch on to someone.  Maybe it was a need to show him she was grown and could do whatever she wanted, or maybe she was hoping it would hurt him or make her feel better or both at the same time.  Either way, some years later she would blame that exact moment in time for her being in such a shitty relationship with such a dick of a human being like Finn.

And all of this, had been something she'd only shared with Lexa.  Before the accident and Lexa's subsequent brain snafu, Bellamy's name came up one weekend while the twins were staying at the apartment and Lexa was looking at pictures the girls had displayed everywhere.  There were several of the whole rag-tag group of Clarke's friends, but there were also a few of just her and Bellamy.  Ones that looked a little more like a couple than friends.  When Lexa brought it up to her, not in a confrontational way just a ' _You guys seem close. You never explored any type of romantic thing?_ ' kind of way, she hadn't thought twice about telling her girlfriend the truth -- the WHOLE truth.  She even told Lexa that she hated how shit her coping skills were and how she'd used Finn to replace Bellamy just as much as Finn had used her for his own reasons.  She confessed that even though Raven had never said anything about it, Clarke knew they'd had something going on before she and Finn were ever a thing.  She wasn't sure of the extent of it, Finn had only said once that he and Raven went 'way back', apparently 'way back' to the beginning of the school year.  In hindsight, that was probably the guy she'd been 'trying to figure out' and Clarke had just never put the pieces together back then. 

She also told her girlfriend that she realized part of the attraction to Bellamy was that he just seemed to get her - she didn't have to explain anything or get frustrated because he wasn't understanding what she needed or wanted.  She said that's why it was easy to stay friends with him afterwards, after the initial shock, hurt, and awkwardness of the whole situation wore off.  Because he truly was one of her best friends.  Lexa asked if her other friends were aware of the relationship at all and it was the first time Clarke actually admitted to herself that it wasn't really a _relationship_ so much as a _situationship_ , and that part of the reason she'd never wanted to tell her friends was because she felt speaking about it would force the two of them to confront whatever it was they were doing and decide if they were something or if they were not.  There was a certain amount of fear she held inside back then, fear that doing that would have made it all that much more messy, especially with Octavia involved.

Her break-up with Finn, or more appropriately her running away from him, came at the beginning of December, after they'd graduated earlier that year, and at some point in February she and the gang had all been out drinking and carrying on.  O&Co were the first to leave that night, Raven and Jasper left soon after that to go blaze up, and Clarke and Bellamy sat there at the bar laughing and talking like there had never been any animosity between the two of them.  At some point, they'd ended up at Bellamy's house - the house that he and Gina rented together - and Clarke remembers him kissing her.  She remembers how his hands were gentle at first, one hand positioned at her jaw around to the back of her head, the other splayed across the side of her ribcage.  She remembers feeling guilty, maybe because she wanted it, maybe just because she knew Gina would be heartbroken, or maybe it was more because it was in their home, she honestly didn't know.  But she knew that she was well on her way to giving in, willing to take the chance and risk ruining everything they'd built back up, risk ruining not only their friendship but her friendship with his sister.  His hand moved from her jaw to her neck, giving her throat a light squeeze, and that was where she lost it.  She remembers tears and she remembers him holding her hands above her head as he pressed her against the wall of his bedroom.  She remembers pushing him off and bolting to the front door, struggling with the lock, and finally making it outside where he chased her down the road, begging her to come back inside, telling her ' _Clarke, I'll drive you home.  I'm sorry.....I.....I thought you wanted it, too.  I'm sorry.  Just come back inside, Clarke._ '

Lexa had asked her after hearing everything, ' _Do I need to worry?  Do I need to worry that anytime we fight you're going to run to him for comfort or...whatever else?"_ a question which she answered with a resounding, ' _Never,'_ tacking onto that _, 'Anything I felt for him will never compare to what I feel for you._ ' 

It was true.  She'd never said 'I love you' to anyone in a romantic way, until Lexa.  That was all the confirmation she needed when it came to where she and her heart belonged.

"I'm positive," the blonde nods, getting back to Ontari's question. "Lexa is....everything.  Her energy, her vibe, the way she is with me.....she's everything I feel like I've waited for."

"Well, from everything you've told me at school, she sounds amazing," Ontari sighs, looking at the painting again. "Seems to me like she's the whole package.  Fuck, bad wording, I'm sorry.  I mean....it just seems like you've got everything you could ever want."

"I really do," Clarke smiles.

 

***

 

Trying to keep the peace while still making a point is difficult.  It's a quiet sort of rage - a softly rolling thunder under your rib-cage.  Which, for Clarke, isn't easy to deal with.  Maybe it's the pregnancy hormones or the fact that feels like everything is preparing to implode onto her, but she's really tired of stupid bullshit getting in the way of her being happy.  And right now, the bullshit she's having to deal with is all rolled up into a 5'11'', 170+ lbs package.  
   
4:10pm - **Bel:** You still pissed at me?  
   
On one hand, she couldn't blame him for his feelings.  And partly it was her own fault.  They hadn't really talked about what happened that night at his and Gina's house.  They hadn't confronted the fact that they'd almost slept together, despite his long-term relationship and maybe in spite of her very quick exit from her own.   They hadn't talked about what it meant or whether or not they still had the same feelings that they'd shared years back.  They just returned to the usual way of things and never really spoke about it again.  And their friendship had been something she cherished.

But things are messy now and that is due, in great part, to his being a stupid selfish asshole and now she's stuck having to find a way to deal with the consequences. That is what has her so afraid.  It isn't fear about how it might make her look.  Not really.  It's fear for how it would paint Bellamy, and her own worry that if she tells people, they will never forgive him.  She can't handle the burden of everyone else's fury - not when she's already harboring her own.  She hasn’t even had time to forgive him.  She hasn't been allowed time to move past it.  And she hasn’t shy about letting him know that she’ll never be able to look at him the same.  
   
4:23pm - **Bel:**  Look, Clarke, I admit I fucked up.  I get that.  But it doesn't have to be like this between us.  It shouldn't be like this.  
  
4:24pm - **Bel:**  All that stuff about Lexa. I understand that I shouldn't have called her a freak.  She can't help it, but I meant what I said on the phone.

4:25pm - **Bel:**  I know what I did was, in your words, 'inexcusable'.  I can see why you're angry.  I hate it, because I didn't see it that way, but I get it.  But it's not fair to her or me, and you know that.  
   
The mention of their conversation makes her rage burn brighter.  Just where the fuck did he get off telling her what she was going to do and telling her how she was going to behave?  He reminded her of Finn.  A tender, only slightly more compassionate and softer-spoken Finn.   _But still_ , Finn.  The comparison between the two, during the 2 hours that Clarke had spent arguing with him, was crazy.  And even during their talk, he mentioned things that she wished she could push from her mind, things he should have been ashamed of.  And yet, he wasn't.

There is a tiny sliver of her that hates him.  Even though she cares for him and knows what a good person he could be, regardless of the damage he's caused, she still hates him just a little bit.  The kind of hate that can only be born out of love and out of having your heart broken by someone you care so deeply for.  Which is what makes it so excruciating.  She hates him but she can't bear to see the others turn on him.  She wouldn't be able to live with herself if she had to watch Octavia's relationship with her brother finally reach its last remaining thread.  How could she do that to them?  Not to Bellamy but to their friends-NO! Their Family.  That's what they were.... _family._  And while he might have fucked that image up for her, she won't be the one to rip it to shreds in front of the rest of their Delinquents. 

And then of course, most importantly in her mind, there's Lexa. The person she's been trying to find a way to talk about this with for 2 days.  Lexa is the most precious thing to her.  Lexa and their child are, truthfully, the people that matter most to Clarke.  She enjoys school and she loves art, but she lives for Lexa.  She's never told her - not quite that way - but it's true.  Lexa is her strength, even when she doesn't know it, and there is a deathly sort of shiver that comes over her when she thinks about having to tell the brunette all of this mess.   
  
How will she explain it?  How can she tell Lexa what happened and expect her to listen and not immediately want to react, maybe in a violent manner?  It wasn't rape.  Not really.  Or was it?  She still isn't sure.  He didn't drug her.  She drugged herself, by mistake.  She doesn't even remember it.  In fact, she remembers falling asleep listening to him going on and on in that drunken voice that she used to think was so hilarious.  Now she can't stand it; she can't stand that voice or the thought of ever drinking with him again. 

In his text, Bellamy had blamed himself for wanting her so bad and letting her go all those years ago.  He said it was a feeling he'd been harboring for a while - a love he feared he'd always regret letting slip through his fingers .  He said he couldn't let it go without saying something, without speaking up and telling her exactly how he felt.  And then he'd followed that up with a verbal assault on Lexa and their child and Clarke felt herself go from understanding his feelings, even hurting for him and his 'lovesick' heart, to a woman on a warpath.  
  
She didn't even take the time to text him back, instead choosing to call him and tell him exactly what she thought of him.  It was like everything that had been boiling up inside of her for years - all of her adrenaline that she'd kept under close lock and key when she was cowering from Finn - it all just bubbled to the surface, teaming with disgust for his immaturity and his ignorance.  It erupted so violently from inside of her that she felt like she didn't even have control over what she was saying.  And thats when the bombshell dropped, or more aptly gone thrown at her.  He chose that moment to tell her about that night - the night he let his dick cloud his judgement and took advantage of her in her inebriated state. 

He knew she was on medicine to help her cope.  He knew she shouldn't have been drinking in the first place, but he said he'd look out for her.  She woke up feeling like everything was fine.  She woke up in a soft bed, with warm covers, and her clothes on, and aside from a headache, she felt alright, considering the copious amounts of alcohol she'd downed.  What she didn't know at the time was that he'd kissed her at some point that night.  And that she'd responded, even with her eyes closed, and had kissed him back.  He told her that she didn't stop kissing him long enough for him to get a word in, and that she was the one to pull her skirt up further so she could spread her legs and let him crawl between them.  Sure, he apologized for letting it get that far but then turned it around and made it sound like it was her fault for initiating it.  Said that she wanted it as much as he did from how wet she was when he put his hand down there.  He said that when she kissed him it was like she was hungry for it, like she was starving for attention, and he couldn't tell her no. 

It's all bullshit.  The more she thinks about it the more angry she gets because he was supposed to protect her.  He was supposed to look out for her.  He supposedly loves her, but that isn't love.  Taking advantage of her wasn't the way to show her that he cares about her.  The worst of it is that he said he left her in his bed afterward, choosing to sleep on the couch instead, because when he was done, he saw that she was crying.  He said he didn't know why, but he asked if she wanted him to help 'finish [her] off', and that she just threw her hands over her face and rolled over before she started crying, hysterically.  He said he thought maybe she just needed to be alone, said he thought she still needed time to deal with the accident and 'losing Lexa'. 

Every time she went over his words in her head, she pictured it happening.  And it made her sick.  Just like it made her sick when he said that he had a right to know if that was his baby that she was carrying.   
  
She never mentioned what had happened between them. She never even let the words 'rape' or 'non-consensual' come out of her mouth when she told him to fuck off.  She stuck to the fact that Bellamy had NO ROOM to say a single word about Lexa and that he would do well to think twice before even uttering her name the wrong way to Clarke.  

' _I want NOTHING to do with you anymore,'_ she'd told him.

 _"I feel like I don't even know you - I don't even know this person that you've become.  If you EVER say anything to me about my child or about Lexa like you did just now, I will personally shove my stiletto heel that I can't even fucking wear anymore into your throat and impale your vocal chords._ '  

She left it at that, but she meant every single word.  And she promised herself that she'd stand by it, too.  Even after he threatened her, severing the last fiber of dignity she felt like she could still hold on to.  
  
He had all but demanded she get a paternity test, even going so far as to say that if she didn't, he'd take her to court.

' _If that's my daughter, I'll be in her life,'_ his voice seethed. _'I don't care who tries to stop me!_ ' 

And it was eating away at her each day knowing that whether he was angry or not when he said it, he meant it.  

She felt trapped. In that moment and even still.  She can't help feeling like he did this on purpose, hoping that he'd lock her down.  And it worked, because here she is....pregnant.  Maybe not the way he wanted, if Lexa is the other parent, but either way this is enough to stir up trouble and potentially get something else he wants -- her.  All he has to do is make Lexa doubt her just enough, give her just enough reason to be done and walk away.  
  
How could Clarke even blame Lexa if she did break up with her?  How could she blame Lexa for walking out, breaking off their engagement, and deciding that....it just wasn't worth fighting for anymore.  Because being with her came with too many complications...  
   
Clarke watches out the window as Lexa's truck pulls into her parking spot.  She knows it's shitty timing, this close to Christmas.  This close to her mother, her grandparents, and her friends driving down to have dinner with the Woods' and their clan.  As one big happy family.  She can't shake the feeling that she's about to ruin all of it.  

But if Bellamy shows up (which she'd advised him not to but couldn't be assured that he'd listen), there's a chance that he could bring it up and she won't allow Lexa to find out that way.  That would be worse than anything else.    _I have to tell her myself, and I have to do it now_ , she thinks, waiting as Lexa walks up the stairs and unlocks the apartment door.  As soon as she walks in, her eyes lock on the person she's looking for.  Only, her face falls, clearly noticing that Clarke doesn't look happy, and that sets the brunette into panic mode.   
  
"Hey doll," she says, advancing in Clarke's direction, careful to approach with caution. "You okay?  Can I get you something?"  
  
"I-I need to talk to you," the blonde stutters.   
  
_The worst words to hear in any language_ , Clarke scolds herself _._  ' _We need to talk_ ' _or_ ' _I need to get something off my chest_.'   _Any variation of that, really.  She probably thinks I'm breaking up with her._  
  
"Okay," Lexa replies, swallowing the ever-growing lump in her throat. "Is this a conversation we're going to have later and you're just preparing me or is this a _right now_ conversation?"  
  
"Right now," Clarke nods, hurriedly. "Because if I don't--If I don't do it now I'm afraid I'll lose my nerve..."  
  
"Hey," her girlfriend coaxes her, taking a seat on the couch beside her. "What's going on baby?  Is it something I did?  Or....something I didn't do?  Maybe something you're afraid to ask for-"  
  
"No, Lex, I.......I just....," Clarke stammers out, having to pause to regain control. "I need you to sit and listen until I'm done.  It won't be long, I promise but....I just need to say what I'm gonna say.  Can you do that for me?  Can you just.....listen to me?"  
  
"Of course, Clarke.  Whatever you need.."  
  
She lets it all out.  Probably too rushed for it to make sense and she's not relishing the thought of having to go over it all again.  But she couldn't slow herself down, she couldn't get herself to take a breath and wait for Lexa to catch up.   She finishes her confession and the silence afterwards is deafening.  
  
Lexa had pulled away from her instantly, sitting back to stare at her with this look on her face that Clarke hadn't ever seen before.  She wasn't sure if it was sadness or a look of defeat.  Anger maybe, or a look of disgust.  She kept waiting, expecting the brunette to get up and leave, maybe to blow off steam.....maybe more than that.    
  
"Lex...?"

"When....when did all this happen?"

"When did it happen or.....when did he tell me?"

"Both.." the girl's answer is curt, and shows no emotion at all.  No quiver, no crack, no gnashing of teeth, nothing.

"It happened after the accident.  I was on medication and.....I didn't know I was pregnant at the time, but Bel took me drinking, told me I needed to drown my sorrows.  I....the combination of the meds and the alcohol.  I didn't remember anything.  I still don't.  I woke up in his bed but Lexa.......I didn't know anything happened.  I was fully clothed.  I thought I just passed out."

"And when did he tell you?"

"Two days ago," she answers. "He kept texting me.....about stupid shit.  And then he said something that just....made me so angry.  I couldn't even focus to be able to text him back.  So I called him to confront him about it.  And that's......that's when he told me."  
  
"What are you going to do?" Lexa breathes out, sounding like she'd been holding her breath the entire time she was listening.

"What do you want me to do?" the blonde asks. "I mean....I don't know what to say here, Lex.  I just....I didn't want to keep this from you.  You're my partner.  You should have a say in this.  What do you think I should do?"

"Can they do that?  Test for that kinda stuff.....before the baby is born?"  
  
"They can," she nods. "There are a few ways.."  
  
“How do you--Did you call Dr. Knight about this?”

 

**Yesterday**

 

"I need to ask you something, but I don't want you to ask any questions until I'm done. Okay?"

"Honey, you're worrying me," her mom says. "What is this about?"

"I said no questions until I'm done, mom.  Please."

"Fine.  Proceed."

"1) Is there a way to test for the paternity or...whatever of a baby before it's born?  And 2) Are there any potential risks or complications with said test?"

"Are you done?" Abby asks.

"Umm...yeah?"

"Can I ask a question before I answer or...?"

"No," Clarke tells her abruptly. "Answer first and then.....then I'll answer your question."

"Alright.  Well....the long and short of it is....there are ways to test for that.  Some of them involve certain risks like miscarriage, others are considered to be perfectly safe."

"Hmm," the blonde responds, taking in the information. "How much does it cost do it?"

"Uh uh," her mother tuts. "My turn to ask a question now.  Why are you needing this information?"

"I umm...."

"Oh no," Abby exclaims, "Is Raven pregnant?  Clarke.....I know she's been seeing Layne for a while, and I know she told me they were careful, but she's also told me that they've been experimenting and-"

"Mom, Rae's not pregnant.  Calm down."

"Okay, Alright.  So...again, I'm asking why is it necessary for you to have this information?"

"I...I need to tell you something.."

 

**Present Day**

  
  
“I asked my mom,” Clarke admits, a tear rolling down her cheek.

"Oh." the girl pauses, her eyes never leaving Clarke's.  
  
"Would they hurt the baby?" the blonde hears the concern in her voice. "The tests, I mean....would it put the baby at risk if..?"  
  
"No," Clarke answers, quickly understanding that her girlfriend needs her to be more specific.

"2 of the procedures have risks, yes. The chances are slim but...still.  There's 1 that doesn't, though.  It's kind of expensive, but...it's the most accurate.  Is that--Do you want that?"  
  
She feels so small all of a sudden.  So tiny sitting in front of this giant mystery unfolding.   _Of course she wants the test_ , she chides.  _It would be stupid of her not to, knowing there's even the tiniest of chances that the baby isn't hers._ And what if it isn't?  The blonde doubts it, but she knows there's always a chance.  If what Bellamy said happened really did happen, then....there's a chance.  Lexa shouldn't have to be stuck with her, married, paying for and raising someone else's kid.  She couldn't and wouldn't expect the girl to go through with their engagement and spend the next 18 years or longer playing the roll of parent to a child she had no obligation to take care of and no reason to want to stick around for.   
  
"Lexa," she sniffles, "Please talk to me.  Please just.....tell me what you're thinking."

"Who else knows?"

"No one," she says, shaking her head. "Just me, my mom, you and.....him."

"Alright," the brunette nods slowly. "Keep it that way."

"Are you...embarrassed?" the blonde questions her out of shock. "Are you embarrassed to be with me now?  Is that why you're saying that?"

"No."  A short reply that does absolutely nothing to calm her fears.

"Lex.."

"This is a private matter.  And I think we should handle it that way until we have a reason to do otherwise."

"So you're saying-"  
  
"I'm saying do the test," Lexa asserts in a mildly clipped tone. "I'll pay for it.  Just set up the appointment and I'll drive you there."  
  
"You really want that?" Clarke says, her heart sinking. "You _need_ that?"  
  
"Get the test done, Clarke," she repeats in a commanding tone, but a second later, her hand reaches out to thread her fingers with the blondes.

"Get it done and over with, and get him the fuck out of our lives."

 

***

 

That first night after Anya's return, everything changes.  Call it stress, call it the universe and it's endless bag of tricks, call it whatever you want.  But everything happens for a reason.

The whole family had dinner at the Woods', followed by a movie and desert, and then Indra and Gus said goodnight.  Clarke, Raven, and the twins left to go back to the apartment while Anya stayed in Lexa's old room.   _Her_  old room, actually.  Lexa and Layne were both beat and ready to pass out.  Raven had spent most of her day helping Indra organize things in the baby's room after her physical therapy appointment.  And Clarke....well, Clarke is tired all the time.  Pregnancy, she'd heard, can have that effect.

It starts around 3am.  The blonde wakes up to the sound of her bedmate murmuring in her sleep.  At first, she thinks nothing of it.  People talk in their sleep sometimes.  Lexa and Raven both have told her that she talks in her sleep quite often.  She tries to drift back into her dreams, laying completely still and focusing on her breathing and the way the ceiling fan above her whirs.  The brunette quiets and Clarke finally feels herself heading back towards the slumber she was pulled from.

Layne had warned her.  Hell, Indra had warned her, too, before the twins moved in to the apartment.  Since the accident, Lexa's sleeping patterns had been thrown completely off.  Indra had told her that when they first brought her home from Gainesville, the girl would stay up for 3 days and then crash for an entire 24 hours.  Other times, she'd sleep 1 or 2 hours tops each night and then be back up.  The worst of it was the nightmares, they'd told her.  Lexa never told them what she saw or why it scared her.  Layne said that most often, when it happened, Lexa didn't speak at all.  She would wake herself up screaming, kicking and fighting, or even worse she would cry, inconsolably.  Clarke was happy that, of all the time they'd spent sharing a bed so far, she'd never witnessed it.  She'd hoped that maybe her presence had made things better -- maybe Lexa didn't feel so alone or scared anymore.  Maybe that made her the queen of wishful thinking.

The blonde is just starting to feel that weightless, hazy feeling of sleep take over her when Lexa sits up screaming.  It makes her jerk herself up so quickly that she's lightheaded, hands reaching over in the dark to feel for Lexa's.  All she hears is sobbing, violent sobbing, so much that the bed shakes with every breath the girl heaves out.  Before she can say anything, their bedroom door opens and Layne appears, wasting no time in getting to his sister.

"Lex," his voice is soft, but firm, as he tries to calm her. "Hey, it's alright.  You're okay.  I'm right here, Lex.  I've got you."

Raven pokes her head in, asking Clarke if she's alright.  She doesn't even know how to answer that.  She doesn't know what she's feeling.  A mix of tired, confused, scared, worried.....so many other words she can't find in her brain right then.  Her lover continues to wail, uncontrollably, as her brother sits in front of her, pulling her into a tight hug against his upper body. 

"You're safe," he whispers.  "Okay??  I've got you.  Just relax Lex.....try to relax.  It's not real.  Whatever you saw, whatever happened, it's not real."

The window and the doorway combined provide just enough light for Clarke to see Lexa start to push, fighting the hold her twin has on her.  She screams in frustration, grunting and crying at the same time, whining and whimpering like a wild animal that knows it needs help but can't fight the feeling of being trapped.  Clarke tries to reach out, but Raven runs forward and grabs her hand, telling her it's best if she doesn't.

"Don't," her friend tells her, as if she knows something that Clarke doesn't. "She just needs to settle into him.  Give her time.  He's anchoring her right now, Clarke."

And that's when the unexpected happens.  The same moment that she makes peace with the fact that she can't do anything to help her girlfriend, and that she just has to wait it out and hope that Layne is enough to bring her back to reality.  The first time, they don't even hear her.  It sounds more like heavy breathing than anything else.  But the second time, it's very audible, and even Layne is surprised and risks pulling away to look at her.

"I'm sorry," the girl cries out again, as they all watch her closely. "I'm so sorry!"

"What are you talking about, Lex?" her brother shakes her. "Hey.....listen to me.  Just focus on me right now, okay?  Lexa......Lexa just look at me..."

"It's my fault," the brunette sniffles, her head dropping and her body shaking. "I killed them, Bicho!"

She hadn't called him that since the accident.  He'd started calling her Fea again, slowly working things from the past back into their relationship, but there hadn't been any mention of her nickname for him.  He stares at her with his mouth hanging open, turning his head to Clarke and Raven for confirmation that they'd heard it too.  He pulls her closer to him again, using his hand to pull her head to rest against his collarbone.

"You didn't kill anyone, Lex," he reassures her, his left arm across her back, muscles straining to hold her there. "You could never hurt anyone like that.  You're a good person Lexa-"

"I'M NOT!" she yells, her firsts balled up and beating at his chest.  "They're dead because of me!"

She continues to squirm in his grip, making it uncomfortable for Clarke to watch.  Her heart clenches watching Lexa struggle, her hands ache to comfort the girl she loves.

"Call Anya," Layne tells Raven, and sensing her hesitation he repeats it like he's giving her an order, "Call her now, Rae.  Tell her to get here."

Clarke thinks back to the conversation she and Anya were having after dinner.  Her security detail overseas had turned into something of a rescue mission for other security officers who'd been involved in things they couldn't handle -- things they had no idea they'd signed up for and afterwords, they couldn't unsee or undo the damage in their own minds.  She had told Clarke all about dealing with PTSD and in the blondes head, it makes sense that Layne would want to call her.  Whatever Lexa's going through, Anya will know how to deal with it best.

By the time her cousin arrives, Lexa is in a violent rage, throwing things across the room at Layne as she yells at him, telling him ' _You don't know what kind of person I am!_ '  Clarke and Raven watch from the hallway as Anya steps into the doorway of the bedroom.  She enters with her hands up, her palms open and facing forward.  They can't see what happens next, but they hear a scuffle and after about 20 minutes, both Anya and Layne step out to meet the other two in living room.

"She's sleeping," Layne tells Clarke. "I'm sorry you had to see that.  She's been doing so much better."

"Its okay.  I mean....it's not okay.  I'm just...worried for her, not myself.  It just scared me."

"Like I said, it hasn't happened in a while.  And in the beginning it was more.....frustration.  She felt like there was so much pressure to be someone she didn't think she was or....could be.  I really thought she was getting better.."

"And all that?" Clarke asks, "All that stuff about killing people?"

"Killing people?" Anya's head twists towards the male twin. " 'the fuck is she talking about, Layne?"

"Honestly, that's.....the first time she's ever said that," he shakes his head, throwing his hands in the air. "I.....I really don't know.."

"I do," they all three turn to see Raven standing in the kitchen, by the bar, with a glass of water in her hand. "I think I know what she meant.."

"Babe," her boyfriend says questioningly, "What are you talking about?"

"She....," the latina pauses, "She confided in me a few times when we smoked out together.  At the old apartment, in Gainesville.  She shared some things with me."

"What kind of things?" Anya asks, stepping towards her.  "You didn't think this _might_ be pertinent information to share before now?"

"Listen Cheekbones, I was just being her friend and letting her talk," Raven defends herself. "I am under no obligation to tell you shit, so back up off me, before I split your shit."

"Rae, calm down," her boyfriend tries to ease her, "Nobody's accusing you of anything.  I just.... _we_  just want to know what she told you that would make all of this make sense."

Raven speeds past him, down the hall to their bedroom, returning with a shoebox which she places on the kitchen counter before pulling the lid off for Layne to survey the contents.  The girl reaches in for an old wallet, one her partner recognizes easily.

"That's Lexa's old wallet," he says, surprised. "Why do you--Where did you get that?"

"I swiped it," she confesses, her voice the smallest Clarke has ever heard it.

"After the accident, when the doctors pulled you and your parents out of the room to talk to you about taking her out of the coma,  I.....I used that clamp thing you got me, the one for getting shit I couldn't reach.  I just....I grabbed Lexa's belongings bag, took the wallet out, and put the bag back.  I hid the wallet in my bag, until I got to Abby's and then I put it under the mattress.  I was actually really shocked the hospital didn't document everything they found on us or whatever, but....yeah, alright...I took it."

"Rae...." Clarke looks at her with her eyebrows furrowed, "Why the fuck would you do that?  You're not a thief-"

"I didn't take it because I wanted her money, Clarke, obviously," the girl informs her with her hand raised in the air telling her to hush.

She opens the wallet, her finger finding a secret rip in the cloth material lining the billfold part.  She pulls out a small piece of paper, one she unfolds into a larger shinier picture.  She holds it where only she can see the image for a second and then turns it around, walking towards the couch where her roommate - her best friend - is sitting with her eyes wide and her mouth open.

"I knew she had this," Raven says, quietly. "I just.....didn't want anyone else to find it.  Not until she had a chance to explain."

"I don't--I don't understand," the blonde shakes her head, looking at the ultrasound print. "What is this?"

"Read the top," her friend tells her, walking back to the shoebox and pushing away her boyfriends attempt to hug her.

"Vega, Anacos-" Clarke's voice drops off. "Costia was pregnant?  With Lexa's baby?"

"Bullshit," Anya scoffs, stomping towards her and ripping the picture from her hands. "Lexa would have told us."

"Yeah, like she told you that she fucked her," the Latina counters.

"Fuck you," the honey blonde girl shoots back at her.  "This is different.  She would have told us about this."

"She didn't get a chance," Raven says, swallowing thickly. "Costia miscarried.  They lost the baby."

"That's not her fault....shit happens-"

"Yeah, well Costia didn't help things," she almost whispers, hating how guilty she feels for crossing this line.

Would Lexa hate her for this later?  If she regained her memory, would she remember their late night conversations and hate Raven for spilling out all these secrets?  Raven knew it was only a matter of time before the brunette told Clarke the truth, but this wouldn't have been the first choice when it came to ways to do it.  Right now though, there isn't really another option.  If nobody else understands what Lexa is going through, at least she felt like she could help them get it -- help them realize that this was shit that had been buried so deep for so long that it made sense that it would haunt her this way.

"I'm not gonna go into details, but when they lost the baby, Lexa was upset and blamed herself.  And Costia was emotional too, and....I guess she said something that made Lexa feel like she blamed her, too.  Look....Lexa told me that....it wasn't like she wanted a kid with that chick but....when she found out, she was exactly excited because she had basically been told by her doctor that...it would never happen.  When they lost it, and Costia made her feel like shit, she felt like.....she didn't deserve another chance.  Thats why she just stopped letting herself hope for kids."

Clarke's gentle sobbing can be heard from the couch, and even Anya's heart softens enough to sit beside her and rub her back as she cries.  

"She ummm......told me about Aden, too," Raven says, finally looking up at Layne. 

"What about him?" he asks. "What's there to tell...?  He OD'd.  He killed himself..."

"Gordi," she takes a moment, both lips tucking in between in teeth as she decides whether this is going to be too much.  "Where were you the night it happened?"

"I was with Stitch at a party..."

"And where was Lexa?" she presses further, trying to get him to remember.

  

**Back in June...  
**

 

"He was smart.  One of the smartest people I'd ever known," Lexa told her. "His parents were smart, too, but they were wasted fucking potential.  Their brains were too fucking pickled from the alcohol." 

"My dad is the same way," Raven confessed, "He's been an alcoholic for as long as I can remember.  I tell people that we don't get along because of religious differences and thats...partly true.  His religion is the bottle, and the Virgin Mary is at the bottom of every one of them apparently.  It started with hitting my older brother, Junior.  He left home at 16 and then it was just me, mom, and my sister.  I had to drive my mom to the hospital when I was 13, because he broke her arm and hit her so hard she had 3 fractured bones in her face.  My mom told the nurses she was mugged by someone on her way home from work.  Gave the police a description of the guy and everything. I told myself I'd never love someone so much that I'd be that stupid.  Stupid enough to stay with them - to keep going through that all the time, day in and day out.  The only people I've ever told about him is Clarke and Abby.  And....I mean Abby pretty much adopted me." 

"Aden's dad was like that.  His mom was so nasty to him, and nasty to his dad, and his dad stuck around.  Kept Aden in that situation because he was afraid to walk away.  I blamed his dad for a while but....his mom was the monster.  Instead of being afraid of monsters under the bed or in the closet, he was afraid of her.  Usually she was cool when other people were around but...I remember this one time she was so drunk she didn't even care that I was there - she just laid into him." the girl pauses. "I tried to stop her, ya know?   Tried to step in and get her off him but....she was relentless.  She busted my lip and I had to lie to my mom and say I got into a fight over something stupid.  Eventually, he just yelled at me to get out, practically pushed me out the door himself.  That's when it started I think......when he started getting high..." 

"Pot?" the black-haired girl asks. 

"Everything. Anything he could get his hands on." she says. "It made him so different.  I hated it.   I tried to help him....I tried to just be there...and love him.  But it wasn't enough." 

"He OD'd?" Raven murmurs, watching as the brunette's head shakes.  

"I was always afraid of it, though.  That's why I changed plans in the first place, because he sent me a text saying he didn't wanna be alone," Lexa explains. "I felt him get out of bed - figured he was going to the bathroom.  I was just getting back to sleep when he came back to the room.  I could hear his feet padding across the hardwood floor. I felt him sit down on the bed and I could hear him mumbling shit under his breath, ya know?   Whispering like he was on the phone or something, but I couldn't understand. So I...I rolled over...to try and face him....and it just went off." 

"Wha-" 

"He shot himself in the head," she says, shaking her head and shutting her eyes, trying to fight tears. "With me right there in the bed next to him.  I didn't.....I didn't even know he had one or....where he got it from.   I should have turned around sooner, I....I could have stopped him. He was just...so fucked up Rae.  He was so high and out of his mind and just....tired of dealing with all of it.   I tried, like.....I tried to do CPR but....his head...it was just....." 

"Oh my God, Lexa.." Raven bursts into tears, pulling the girl closer. "I am soooo sorry.   ** _Fuck_**.  I can't even imagine.  I'm so fucking sorry, Lex..." 

"He was 15," Lexa cries into the other girl's shoulder. "He was still just a fucking kid!  How does that happen??!!" 

 

**Present Day...**

 

"She was...................she stayed at Aden's...." Layne mumbles to himself, his head hanging down. "It was right after Arabella--She said she didn't wanna go to the party because she didn't want to see her....she must have found him-"

"I'm sorry Gordi," Raven tells him, grabbing his hands. "This is gonna be really hard to hear but.......she didn't find him.  She was with him, in the bed next to him.  He shot himself-"

"What??" Anya's shakey voice comes from across the room. "No.  Indra said he overdosed..."

"I know.  She wanted to protect Lexa," the other girl says, her hands rubbing Layne's neck as his head rests against hers. "She didn't want people asking her about it.  When she brought her home after the police were done with all their questions, she told Lexa that it would stay between them.  That she wouldn't have to talk about it ever again if she didn't want to."

The three of them go back and forth about details, never stopping to notice that Clarke is no longer in the room with them.  Instead, she's slipped back into her bedroom, back into bed with her sleeping girlfriend.  She pulls the covers over her legs and her hands find the brunette's face where she places a single kiss to her lips.  She thinks about all the secrets between them - about the things she's held inside her and the things that Lexa kept from her in the past.  She thinks about all the letters she's written and the things she's said in there that she's never had the courage or been able to say in person.  She wonders what it could mean if Lexa is starting to remember things, and whether or not these things will always affect her this way.  She stares at the girl in front of her, praying that her dreams are peaceful now.

"I love you, Lexa," she whispers in the silence of their shared room.

"You're not a bad person, love," she says, "And I'm not mad at you for not telling me before.  Lord knows I've kept secrets from you, too.  I wish you would have told me, but I know we didn't have a lot of time together before we had to start over, from scratch basically."

"Right now my mind is.....racing with all these thoughts.  I know you were upset about Bellamy.  And I honestly don't know what I'll do if this baby is his.  Because I feel like you won't feel the same way about us -- about me or her.  You seemed so sure today, so certain that she's yours, and I feel it in my heart that she is.  But if she's not.........I wouldn't never ask you to stay with me.  I don't want to be with him.  I don't want to raise this baby with him.  But I couldn't let you take on that responsibility just because you feel like it's the right thing to do."

Her fingers tuck baby hairs behind the tiny ears of her lover, her eyes tracing every facial feature in wonder as she thinks about who their baby will take after more.

"You're always so supportive of me, and no matter what it is you're going through inside your head, I'm gonna be here to support you," Clarke promises her. "Until you tell me you no longer want me here, I'm staying.  Because I knew the night you told me about your grandparents being soulmates, that night we spent all night on the phone, I knew you were it for me.  When I heard you talking about their hearts beating together and falling into a rhythm -- just the way you said it let me know that you believed in it.  And you made me believe in it, too."

"I thought I'd never find that," she cries, silently, trying not to draw the attention of those in the living room.  "When my dad died.....it felt like all of those fairytales died with him.  I tried to believe.  I told you that story before.  You know how well that ended.  And then I gave everything I had to someone who didn't deserve me, because I thought there was no such thing as Prince Charming.  And just because this guy called me 'Princess'....I thought it would be alright to pretend, for a just little while.  But you made me believe again, Lexa.  You made me believe that happy-endings were real, for the first time since my dad passed."

She wipes her face using her shirt, thankful that she's not blubbering so bad to need a snot rag. 

"I know you may not remember now," she continues, almost laughing at the thought of how she's not even ashamed to ugly-cry right now, "I hope maybe you will later, but........when you proposed to me, you reminded me so much of that conversation about your grandparents because...you said that... _I_ was your heart-beat.  And that shit, God Lex......it _really_ got to me.  I don't think you realize how much I care for you, how deeply in love with you I am, and how much of me belongs to you.  I blamed myself for so long for what happened to you.  I told myself that.....that I wasn't worth saving.  That if you hadn't leaned over to protect me---But I feel like it wasn't  _just_  me.  If Dr. Knight is right about her timing, I had to be pregnant when it happened.  And you couldn't have known that when you did it, but....I feel like you were protecting both of us."

She watches her, thinking about everything that Raven had said, about Costia and about Aden.

"We take on so much sometimes," Clarke thinks aloud. "We have to stop blaming ourselves for things that are out of our control.  We need to learn to just......be happy.  Be thankful for what we have and move on with our lives."

The brunette stirs, not enough to make Clarke think that she's waking up, but just enough to allow the blonde to scoot in closer, as close as her baby-belly will let her get.

"If I could take it all away from you, I would," she sings in the space between their lips, "I would do anything I could to keep you from hurting."

She falls asleep with her hand still on her girlfriend's face, their foreheads resting against each other.  When she wakes up in the morning, their positions are different, with Lexa's front pressed tightly against her back and her arm laying protectively over the baby-bump, hand splayed across it so perfectly that Clarke wishes it would leave a permanent palm print there.  The blonde also notices that they have company, now.  Somehow, in their king size bed, she and her lover have managed to be pushed to the edge of the right side, almost up entirely up against the wall, while Raven lays facing her in the middle with Layne melting in behind, and then Anya turned facing towards the door.  She tries to adjust her leg, feeling a lump there, and finding that Mace has piled into the bed as well and has wallowed himself a place between her and Raven's feet. 

Lexa's face nuzzles into the back of her neck, and her arm moves to cross upward over her chest so her hand is directly over the blonde's heart.

"Are you still mine?" she says in her sleepy voice, making Clarke's heart skip a beat.

That was something that started between them the first weekend the twins came to Gainesville to surprise them.  The night before they were supposed to leave, Clarke had made Lexa watch the movie Ghost.  Of course, Lexa had joked about getting a pottery wheel afterwards, but what stuck with them was the song.  When they woke up the next morning, Lexa hugged her close, kissing the back of her neck, and whispered, ' _Are you still mine?_ '  Clarke answered her with a soft, ' _Always_ ' and that was the beginning of it.  Every time they would see each other again after spending the week apart, every time they woke up together, Lexa would kiss her or bite her gently, and whisper those words ' _Are you still mine?_ ' and wait for her reply.   It was something they hadn't done since the accident - something she'd never told the brunette about their relationship before.   

She doesn't want to get her hopes up, it's small and it doesn't mean she remembers everything.   But it's something.  It's something that means _everything_ to the girl who's been dying to hear it again for the past 6 months almost.

"Forever," Clarke tells her, pulling the girl's hand up to her lips and planting a kiss there. 

_I'm yours forever._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter Cheat Sheet:
> 
> \- Introducing Ontari, Clarke's friend from school.  
> \- Clarke remembers her past 'situationship' with Bellamy (basically lots of hang outs, kissing, no sex, he got jealous because of Finn, and it was over, thus Clarke turned to Finn).  
> \- Clarke remembers discussing her and Bellamy's history with Lexa (prior to the accident) and discloses to her that she knew that Raven and Finn had something before she got with him, though she didn't know the extent of it.  
> \- Clarke also remembers an encounter between her and Bellamy after her break-up with Finn. After drinking with the gang, Bellamy had taken her back to his and Gina's house and kissed her, and tried to take it further but Clarke ended up leaving before it went any further.
> 
>  
> 
> ***NON-CON/DUB-CON part***  
> \- Clarke discusses her and Bellamy's recent fight (immediately following the texts that Lexa had mentioned in previous chapter).  
> \- Bellamy tells Clarke that they had sex after the accident, while she was messed up on her psych meds/alcohol, therefore she had no memory of it.  
> \- Bellamy tells Clarke he wants to know if it's his baby or Lexa, and if she doesn't get a paternity test, he'll take her to court.  
> \- Clarke tells Lexa about the incident and they discuss paternity testing.
> 
> ***SUICIDE/MISCARRIAGE/REPRESSED MEMORIES/MENTAL ANGUISH***  
> \- Lexa has a nightmare and wakes up crying.  
> \- Layne tries to calm her down but she's too upset, telling them she killed people, so he tells Raven to call Anya to help him.  
> \- Layne, Anya, Raven, and Clarke discuss Lexa's mental state and nightmares.  
> \- Raven discloses what Lexa told her about Costia's miscarriage.  
> \- Raven also gives new information about Aden's death that Layne and Anya weren't expecting or ready for.
> 
>  
> 
> \- Clarke talks to Lexa as she's sleeping, telling her how much she loves her and how much she means to her, and that she wants to support her.  
> \- Lexa wakes up and tells Clarke something that let's Clarke know she really is getting her memories back.


	13. Love$ick

She feels the water hitting her back, running over her shoulders and down her chest, over the ever-growing baby bump.  She used to love baths but it's been getting harder and harder to get up and out of the tub so, showers have had to suffice.  It's not all bad, though.  The shower-head has settings like 'rainful' or 'massage' so you can switch things up depending on the day you've had and what you're needing.  She's not sure what was wrong with the one they had, but she came home one evening to find this one and when she asked Lex about it, the only response she got was ' _Had to get a new one_.' 

She picked a good one, Clarke had to give her credit for that.  Lexa didn't have what you'd call 'expensive taste', but she wanted quality and was generally a good judge of it.  It was also _maybe_ just a little bit of a turn-on thinking about her girlfriend fixing things around the house.  It's not like she pictured her in a tool-belt or anything like that.  She hadn't, but the idea of Lexa laying under a sink in a wife-beater and jeans, hair up in that messy bun Clarke loved, skin glistening with sweat, and that look of concentration on her face...... _yep_ , that kinda does it for her.  A lot.  She's too caught up in that thought to notice the bathroom door opening, and not long after that, the shower curtain gets pulled back as Lexa steps in.

"Lexa!" she shrieks. "Get out!"

She didn't really want her to leave.  She did, but not _really_ , really. 

It's not a new thing.  This is something that's been going on, something she's been feeling.  It's amped up now, since the whole 'Bellamy' thing, and she fucking hates that.  Because she loves Lexa, but that's exactly why some part of her doesn't want her here.  It feels like she just needs to shower off all the nasty feelings and step out fresher; that's the part she wants Lexa to see.  The cleaner, florally smelling version of her.   But now??  There's still paint on her skin from the day before, her hair is greasy, she hasn't shaved in God knows how long, and she's fat.  In fact, at this very moment, she is both fat and wet, feeling like she probably resembles some sort of blonde-haired walrus, waddling around in the shower.  The brunette has never said anything about it - never hinted that she wasn't attractive - but now.....

What it really boils down to is that she  ~~thinks~~   _knows_  Lexa's starting to remember things.  It's something she's been hoping for - waiting for - but it worries her, more than she's able or maybe willing to vocalize.  She realized last night that from the moment she found out she was pregnant, in her head, there was this fear of what might happen when Lexa regained her memory.  Would she take a look at their current relationship and decide this wasn't what she wanted anymore?  And then there was the thought of Lexa having mental images of her when they first met. The first night they made love.  The pre-accident, 45+ lbs lighter version of Clarke, which is a far cry from the sea cow in front of her now.  She knows that Lexa would never say that to her, but it doesn't mean she wouldn't think it.  She'd had the conversation with her mom and of course Abby had told her it was natural and that almost all women felt unattractive at some point in their pregnancy.

But it's not all baby weight.  As much as she wishes she could blame the pregnancy for all of it, it's actually more a combination of the slight depression binge she had after the accident, the stress eating from school, and maybe about 30-40% baby-gaining.

She didn't go out a lot after the accident.  She left to go to the apartment and get some of her and Raven's things, because Raven wasn't in a state to do that, and she left to go to the shrink her mother set-up an emergency appointment with.  After that, she practically lived in her nest of covers and pillows she'd pile up to make herself feel like Lexa was there, like there was someone sharing the bed with her, keeping her warm.   And then, of course, she left with Bellamy, but that's not for here. 

No one could really accuse her of being a junk-food junkee and there were some days where she didn't eat at all; those were the bad days, where she left her room only to pee and then return to her Lexa-nest.  However, she knew she had to admit that there were a number of days where she ate as much of her mom's leftovers as she could stuff in her mouth.  On those days, any snack foods that came by way of Marcus, her mother's friend from work, were gone within a day or two, tops. 

 _Normal people drink their cares away_ , she had told herself over a hundred times it felt like.  But alcohol wasn't her first choice as a comfort or pick-me-up because drinking made her remember things she didn't want to remember.  Up until that point, it usually had something to do with Finn, but she couldn't take the chance that she'd drink and replay other things in her mind - like the accident, Lexa's last words to her, Raven's cries, and the point of impact.  She was surprised she agreed to go with Bel in the first place, and she wondered if she thought about Finn while she was drunk that time, but she didn't remember it if she did.  The only thing she remembered of that night, and still replays sometimes, was a dream she had of Lexa.  It was a dream that felt so real....so present and tangible.....like she could feel her there kissing her, but it had turned into a nightmare so quickly that she only held on to the first part.  They say dreams that feel like forever are really only a matter of seconds, but at the time, it was the best few seconds she'd had since the night their lives had changed forever.

And thus, without alcohol as a numbing agent, food quickly became the stand-in, her steady companion through the hurt and attempts to heal.  The second time she met Lexa, she was about 165 lbs, a good 25 lbs over what she was the first time they'd met.  And _now_ , with all the chocolate cake cravings and Indra serving seconds every time she turned around,  _sweet little baby Jesus_.  She didn't want to imagine what pre-accident Lexa would think of her now.

She keeps her back to the girl sharing the with her now, hoping that if she's having any ideas of showers sex, she'll give them up and step out.  But instead, the brunette reaches up for the shampoo and tells her to ' _step back_ '.

"Move away from the water so I can wash your hair without it running into your eyes," her girlfriend says.

"Lex," she tries, her resolve wearing thin already. "I can wash my own hair...."

"Back up, niron," the girl tells her, lips grazing the back of her neck.

It's not an order and she could fight it if she wanted to.  But she hasn't heard that word in way too long and it roots itself inside her heart, telling her that everything is going to be okay, now.  She does as she's told, standing there as Lexa washes her hair, her barely-there fingernails scratching away any dirt or sweat caked onto her scalp by her roots.  Her girlfriend turns her around,  holding her head back as she rinses out the suds, and then raises her head forward again, using her hands on the blonde's hips to turn her back to where she was.  The brunette grabs the conditioner, squirting a small amount into her hand, and replacing the bottle to start working the cream through Clarke's hair.

"Are you okay?" the blonde asks, timidly.  "I've been worried about you, after last night.."

"Don't worry yourself about me, Clarke," she offers in reply.  "I'm okay."

"Are you saying that because you don't want to talk about it?  Because you don't want to talk to _me_ about it?"

"No, doll," Lexa says, pressing a kiss to her shoulder. "I'm saying it because I really am okay.  I'm better than okay, actually."

"You know I love you, right?"

She feels silly for saying it that way; she's also sure it probably feels like she's about to say something else to sweep the girl's feet out from under her.  She hopes that Lexa understands what she means and isn't overanalyzing it the same way she is now that it's out of her mouth.

"I know," her girlfriend answers, slender fingers massaging her scalp in tiny circles.  "And I love you too."

"I know it bothers you though.."

"What bothers me?"

"Bellamy..."

"Bellamy, as a person, does not bother me," Lexa says, turning her once again so she can rinse the conditioner out of her hair.

"The situation bothers me.  The thought of what he did to you," she explains, holding Clarke's head back so the water can wash over her hair.  "-what he's still doing to you with his mind games and his manipulations,  _that_  bothers me."

"I really don't believe she's his, Lex.." Clarke says, her eyes staring into Lexa's. "In my mind.......there's no possible way that she could be."

"She's not his, Clarke," her girlfriend tells her. "I'm not worried about that.  The way I reacted yesterday, I......I never wanted to make you feel like.....like I was upset with  _you_.  I'm so sorry about that.  I know that doesn't make it better, but I was so hurt, for you, and so fucking angry at him.  I was torn between wanting to hold you so tightly that no one could ever touch you again, and wanting to put my fist through a wall.  All I could think about was how much I wanted to drive to Gainesville to confront him myself."

"I knew you would probably be angry.  But when you asked about the tests-"

"Clarke, I was worried they would hurt the baby.  And there is no way I would have let you take that risk.  Your safety and the safety of our baby is what is most important to me.  I don't give a fuck who he thinks he is, I would _never_ allow him to back you into a corner and bully you into making that kind of decision, putting our daughter's health in jeopardy."

"Lex, I don't want to do it.  I feel like this test is just his way of trying to cause problems," Clarke laments. "I hate how he can't just......let me be happy."

"I know, love.  But I believe what he said - he will not leave you alone until he knows for sure.  And knowing what we know about the procedures, I would rather avoid a court case, and avoid you having to talk about it all over again, to all of your friends and our families.  There is no need for you to have to re-live that, even if you have no memory of it actually happening in the first place.  This test isn't going to change anything with us, doll."

"But I feel like this whole situation does.  I feel like you look at me differently, now."

"Why would I look at you differently?"

"You don't think of me as like.....damaged?  Or....broken?" the blonde asks, carefully. "I feel like you see me as this weak person who keeps needing to be rescued-"

"You are not weak, Clarke," Lexa corrects her, her hands grabbing the body soap and loofa. "And you certainly don't need rescuing.  I like to think of myself as your knight in shining armor but....honestly that's just to feed my own ego.  As much as I hate to admit it to myself sometimes, I kinda like feeling like you need me.  I like taking care of you, making your breakfast, and bringing you lunch sometimes.  I like painting your toenails and carrying your bags for you.  But you don't really need me.  You are perfectly capable of taking care of yourself."

The blonde wishes she believed that herself.  She was weak with Finn and now she was being weak with Bellamy.  Sure, she'd told him off.  But what does that really do?  What does that really teach him?  It hadn't stopped him from trying to contact her.  He obviously didn't feel as if he'd done anything wrong.  His only apology for what happened had been more for the way she felt about the situation, and less about his actions.  How do you make someone like that understand?

Her mom had begged her to press charges - told her if for no other reason it would at least prove a point that what he did was wrong and safe another girl the heartache of the same situation, maybe.  She'd also told her, under no uncertain terms, that Bellamy would NEVER set foot in her house again.  She was very forward with Clarke when she said that she would pull the shotgun on him if she needed to in order to get him off the property.   Beyond that, she told her daughter that if she and Lexa chose not to do the test, and Bellamy tried to take her to court, she would help with any legal fees necessary to keep him away from the three of them.  She said that even if they chose to do the test, and by some sick and highly unlikely chance the baby was his, she would do everything in her power to make sure that he had no parental rights in regards to her granddaughter. 

And Clarke really wanted to take her up on the offers - all of them.  But she told her she needed to talk to Lexa first and see what she wanted to do, or if she even wanted to be apart of the decision making.

Part of her was glad when Lexa said she wanted to keep it quiet.  She didn't want the others to know, either.  She wasn't looking forward to being the reason for any fights.  But another part of her felt like Lexa was embarrassed, either because she didn't really believe her when she said it wasn't consensual or because it hurt her pride to think that she wasn't there to protect her.  Hearing Lexa talk about wanting to take care of her, she realizes without the girl having to say it, that the latter is probably very true.  Despite having no control over it, Clarke knows that deep down it really does bother the brunette that because of the accident she wasn't there to stop it from happening.  Moreover, if the accident had never happened, Clarke would not have been in that situation to begin with.  But that couldn't be helped now, accidents happen, and she'd never blamed Lexa or Raven or Layne for any of it. 

Bellamy, on the other hand, is definitely at fault.  He should have known she was not in a state to adequately give consent.  He should have been the one to say ' _Hey, this doesn't feel right.  Let's pick this up another time, when we're both sober, if you still feel the same way_.'  But no, he saw his opportunity and he took it.  And she couldn't stop berating herself for how stupid she'd been to give him the way in.

Oh, how she'd hated having to admit that to her mother.  How she'd loathed explaining that  _yes_ , she knew she shouldn't have been drinking and that the interactions between the meds and the sheer amount of alcohol she'd consumed were something she knew the risks of.  Not that it made Bel any less guilty, but still, Abby did what she does best, telling her what a terrible idea it was to mix the two, and how she knew better than that.  That only proceeded her flight into a rampage about how it didn't give take the blame off of him and that rape-culture blaming the victim for the victimizer being a piece of shit was like comparing people to animals.  ' _A person going into the ocean with a bleeding wound is fucking stupid -- a shark doesn't know any better than to kill them.  Their brains are hardwired for the hunt - there is no other reasoning.  Bellamy is not a goddamn shark and he KNEW BETTER_ ,' she seethed.

She went further into a rant about how Clarke was pregnant at the time and didn't know it because, in her words, ' _the incompetent Emergency Department physicians didn't think to order a fucking Xray or CT on a girl that was just involved in an MVC_.'

" _If they'd just ordered the fucking exams_ ," her mother had yelled over the phone, using words Clarke couldn't ever remember hearing from her, " _They would have had to get an HCG and we would have known right then that you were pregnant.  Just like that, all of this could have been avoided!"_

It was true, and she knew that.  The doctors hadn't done what they were supposed to.  But at the time, she was so concerned with getting to Lexa, she wasn't even thinking about herself and the unseen damage she could have suffered.  She couldn't fault the doctors, overwhelmed with 4th of July mishaps, for giving her a quick once-over -- accessing her for any tenderness, any abnormal breath, heart, or belly sounds, anything that would have given them cause to think there was significant head trauma.   

It had never even occurred to her that she could have been pregnant, which was silly, really, because she and Lexa seemed incapable of thinking ahead enough to use condoms.  From the first time they met and the sex that followed that night, all the way up to the night before the accident and even after, when Lexa spent the night at the apartment for the first time, it had always been bare skin between them.  She should have known there was a chance; in fact she was surprised she hadn't miscarried after everything.

She'd asked Dr. Knight the first time they met if there was a chance the medicine she'd taken right after the accident could have caused issues with the baby.  The doctor told her there was no way to guarantee that there wouldn't be problems, but that the ultrasound would tell them more, and they'd continue to monitor everything accordingly.

Clarke stays quiet as she allows her girlfriend's hands to guide the loofa over her arm, watching how tender she is, how reverently she worships every inch of skin, making sure it's clean.  She moves to the other arm, working her way up to the blonde's shoulder, and across her collarbone and neck.  She lets the loofa drag over Clarke's chest and blue eyes watch her as she goes along, her hand cupping the baby bump as she scrubs over it.

"Have you ever heard of the Japanese word  _kintsugi_?" Lexa's voice is barely above a whisper, her breath ghosting across the blonde's ear as she leans in to ask her.

"No," she rasps, her eyes tracing every muscle moving in her lover's body as she works.

"It's dates back centuries, and it translates to 'golden joinery' or in simpler words, 'gold repair'.  It's the art of repairing broken pottery with this lacquer that is mixed or dusted with powdered gold, sometimes even silver or platinum.  So they use this stuff to fix these damaged pots or bowls or vases and.....the end result is just....extraordinary.  It's like....it's more beautiful because of the cracks and the process it went through to be repaired.  It's becomes a whole new piece, total rebirth.  Anyways, the philosophy behind it is what they call  _wabi-sabi_.  It means 'to find beauty in broken or old things'."

"That actually sounds really cool.  I'm going to have to google that when we get out," Clarke jokes, admiring the girl's knowledge. "What made you think of that now?"

"You asked me if I saw you as broken," Lexa responds, her hands stopping to rest on the blonde's hips. "But we're all a little broken.  It's the shared human experience.  Some people.......they let all their pieces stay scattered on the floor for everyone who comes into their life to step on, breaking them apart even more.  And some people gather up their pieces and move on, even if they need a little help doing it."

"And I just want you to know," she concludes, pulling the blondes body into hers, "I'm not letting anyone step all over your pieces.  I'm your silver, Clarke, and you're my gold.  You and I can hold each other together, and let the rest of the world worry about who's broken."

"You're such a fucking charmer," Clarke pokes the girl's chest with her finger, "Just so you know, I'm stealing that for my wedding vows."

She hardly gets the words out of her mouth before the brunette's hands come up to her face and hold her in place as she presses their lips together greedily.  It's the kind of kiss that reminds her of the night they shared together before the accident; it reminds her of the kind of power that Lexa holds.

"Tonight," Lexa issues a sultry threat against the skin of her jaw, "No distractions, no excuses.  Tonight, I'm going to remind you who you belong to."

 

***

Lexa walks into the new house to find Layne already putting finishing touches on the paint in the kitchen.  When she first told him about the house and talked to him about the moving process, he balked at her assumption that he and Raven would automatically be joining them.  ' _Fea, I'm good_ ,' he'd told her. ' _Me and Rae are staying here.  I can take care of us.  I'll figure it out._ '  But she'd insisted that he shut up and take what was being offered to him.

Of course, Layne's pride wouldn't let him leave it at that, though.  He was so much like her in ways that it scared her.  She never let herself take things from other people.  It never felt right.  It was different if they took from you and then you took from them.  It was equal.  And in her brother's head, things worked the same way.  He couldn't take without having something to give back, which is why he put everything he had on hold to help her get the house ready for all of them to move in.

"Looks nice," she compliments his work. "Remind me, again...Why the hell do you work on a boat all day long and make shitty money when you could be fixing up houses or doing construction work and making bank?"

"Because I like the boat," her brother laughs at her question. "And it's not like I'm poor, Fea.  I don't make as much as you.  Well....as much as you used to.  But, you don't have to be rich to be happy.  I'm good with what I make, and Rae is, too."

"I'm just saying, you're good at this kind of stuff.  And you could always do both."

"And what time would I have left for my girl?  For my family?" he returns. "Lex, you told me just before the accident, right after you'd gone to sign papers for that new job, that the key to success is not making a shit ton of money.  It's finding balance, between what you need and what you want."

"Well, it's funny you say that because....I _need_ a favor," Lexa tells him, causing him to look over at from where he's at.  "And I _want_ you to help me out.  But you have to keep it a secret.  You'll probably need someone to help you so....you can tell that person but....that's it."

"A secret mission, huh?" Layne gives her a sly grin. "When is this going down?"

"Christmas Eve, before dinner.."

"And is this something that Rae would be equipped to handle?" he asks.

"Probably not," Lexa answers. " _But_.....you can finally tell her about the house now, and all of this actually, because we're going to need her help for something else.."

"Hmm, alright then," her brother nods. "I'm in.  What's the mission, Charlie?"

"Whatever, fucker," she jests, grabbing the ladder and giving it a shake. "We both know you are anything but an angel!"

 

***

 

"I think Layne is cheating on me."

It's just after noon, the day before Christmas Eve, and Clarke and Ontari are trying to finish up their paintings so they can enjoy the holidays when Clarke's roommate bursts through the front door, slinging her keys on the kitchen counter as she announces her suspicions of her boyfriend's infidelities.  Clarke sits with her mouth wide open, her friend wearing an awkward half grin beside her, and not one of the three of them seems to paying any mind to the paint dripping from both of the paint brushes in the girl's hands onto the floor.

"Raven," the blonde finally speaks, setting her paintbrush down. "Is this something you _might_ want to save for.....when we don't have company?"

"He lied to me Clarke," the girl huffs. "Thrice!" 

"Okay, clearly not gonna wait," Clarke mumbles under her breath hearing Ontari ask herself ' _Thrice?_ '.

"When did this happen?  Because you seemed fine last night.."

"I went to the Marina and he wasn't there," Raven growls out, throwing herself onto the couch. "Yesterday, the day before, and today.  I went up there, looked everywhere for him, made sure all the fucking boats were there, and then I checked the office.  And when I asked where he was, they just shrugged it off and said ' _he's not here today_ '.  So, FINALLY, when I showed up there again today, his buddy Vic was there--Remember the guy he used to live with?  Okay, so....he was there and he told me that Layne requested time off.  TIME OFF FOR WHAT, CLARKE?!?!"

"I....have no idea, Rae.." she answers with a minute shake of her head. "Did you try calling him?"

"NO!!  Absolutely not!  Clarke......you don't _call_ the cheater.  That lets them know that you're on to them!  Then they start covering their tracks better.  What you do," the girl says, holding her phone in the air. "Is trap them in their own web of lies.  You can't just go accusing people, starting fights when you're unarmed.  No, you gotta know what you're up against, here.  You need receipts, bitch.  _So_......I looked at the Snapchat map.  And he's _HERE_!  IN SARA-FUCKIN'-SOTA!!  WITH _TRIS_!"

"Hold up....I'm lost," Clarke hears Ontari finally setting her brush down to join the conversation. "Who's Tris?  And where was this guy supposed to be at, again?"

"BRADENTON!" Raven exclaims, "Please try and keep up!"

"Tris is a friend of the twins'," the blonde whispers as an aside.

"A very good looking friend!" the Latina nearly squeals, still not letting it go. "This bitch is fine as wine, and I saw their little Bitmoji's right next to each other.  So close they were practically hunching, Griffin!"

"Is she always this intense?" Ontari mouths to her, her finger signaling the girl on the couch, receiving a confirmation nod in return.

"Raven, they're just characters on an app.  And Uno's not cheating on you.  He wouldn't do that."

"Uno?" the blonde's friend questions again, even more confused now.

"Yeah...He was born first," Clarke explains, getting a shrug and nod of acknowledgment.

"Then why is he lying about going to work??  He's never lied to me before, Clarke.  NEVER."

"I don't know Raven, but you've never questioned him being faithful to you before.  Why are you so worried about it now?  I thought you guys were in a good place-"

"Because he _lied_ , Clarke," her best friend reasons. "He's _never_. _fucking_. _lied_.  Not to me.  I never had a reason to question him or his commitment to me before.  But now......whatever.  He lied, alright?!  That's reason enough to me."

"She's right, actually," Ontari points out. "If he was out there doing shit all the time, she probably wouldn't even blink an eye at this.  When they start doing things that are out of character for them, acting shady and shit, that's when you start asking questions-"

"I knew I liked you!" Raven juts her hand out towards the other brunette. "You see, Clarke?!  This bitch knows what I'm talking about.  She knows the fucking struggle."

"Fine, Raven," she gives in. "Show me the Snapmap.  And please, calm down with the F word.  Indra will never forgive me if this baby comes out with the mouth of a sailor."

 

***

  
"Raven came here looking for brother today," her mother says, her hands washing and then rinsing one of the pots she'd been using.

"She did?" Lexa answers.

"Mhmm.  Said she went to the marina and couldn't find him," Indra tells her, giving her a side glance. "Lexa, is there something I need to know?"

"Like what?" the girl tries to evade the question.  This is not something she planned on discussing when she came over.

"Is there something I'm not aware of?  Something that has happened or has been happening-"

"There are a lot of things that have been happening, Mama-"

"Is he getting involved with someone else?" her mother's voice cracks as she stares out the window. "Is he cheating on her, or....going to end things with her?  Tell me now, because I do not want to be caught in the middle of this-"

"No Mama.  He's not cheating and he's not breaking up with her.  Layne is perfectly happy where he's at."

"Then tell me what is going on," Indra says, making direct eye-contact with her daughter.

"Clarke's Grampa gave us a house-"

"He did  _what_??!  Lexa Arielle, I hope you told that man you can not take that-"

"I did, but he insisted," the brunette says. "And the paperwork is already done.  All Clarke and I have to do is sign."

"I don't like this.  I don't like that she asks her family for things like that.  It makes it look like you're not doing anything to help provide for her."

"It's not like that.  Clarke doesn't ask them for anything.  She doesn't know about it yet.  That's what Layne, Anya, Tris, and I have been working on; it's why Layne hasn't been at work and why Raven doesn't know where he is.  We've been painting and getting everything ready inside, as much as we can without actually moving shit from the apartment that would be noticeable.  We wanted to surprise them.."

"Them?  Your brother and Raven are moving in, too?"

"It's a big enough house for all of us to fit.  And it's not upstairs so it's better on Clarke and the baby," Lexa explains. "It's on the beach, not far from where we're at now, so we won't be father away from you and dad-"

"I'm not worried about that, I just.....this is so fast."

"Mama," the brunette says, placing a hand on her shoulder. "I asked Clarke to marry me."

Her eyes watch carefully for that tell-tale grin that lets her know when her children are fibbing to her to stay out of trouble.  But Lexa's face is the portrait of seriousness, and to Indra that might be all the more frightening.

"And she said yes?"

"Yes," the girl nods. "She said yes."

"Have you thought about this?  I mean....have you thought about how you'll be able to provide for her, and the baby?  What about her insurance she has through her mother's job?  What about the rest of your money-"

"Can you please just be happy for me?" Lexa pleads with her, stomping back towards the kitchen table and throwing herself into one of the chairs like a child throwing a temper tantrum. "You worry so much about whether or not I've thought things through but.....can you please just take a second to be happy and enjoy this with me?"

"Honey," Indra softens her expression, taking the seat in front of her. "I  _am_  happy.  I am so happy that you and Clarke have reached a point where you are thinking about taking this next step.   But you're my baby, and the concept of marriage and having a family.......it's not just about winging-it.  You need to have plans.  You need a steady income.  You need more than just......good intentions."

"I know that.  And I'm doing all that now.  We're a family now, so it's no different.  Just....legal paperwork."

"Legal paperwork that can cost you everything, Lexa!" her mother fires back. "Please listen to me, I'm not saying that Clarke would do that, but you had A LOT put back when you left your job.  And thankfully, you've been able to use some of that for things you need right now.  But if you're not careful, that could all be gone.  Divorces are nasty sweetheart, and I would hate for you to find that out the hard way."

"This isn't about money, Mama.  I love her.  In my mind, she's already my wife, and I'm committed to being here for her and for our baby.  And I know I need a job - I know I can't keep relying on that money, which is why I've been talking to Luna about it-"

"So you're going back to that, then?" Indra's voice raises.  "Right away, your first choice is to get right back to where you were.  I just don't know how much more of you trying to kill yourself I can take!"

She knows she's messed up.  She sees the flinch resulting from her poorly chosen words, and even though she hadn't meant it to sound that way, she can't deny that that is exactly how she feels.  Anya had called her on the way home from the twins' apartment, telling her that Lexa was remembering things and asking why Indra hadn't been honest with her or Layne about the circumstances surrounding Aden's death.  Indra explained that she did what she had to and that protecting Lexa was what was most important to her at that time.  She and her daughter had talked about it, spoken to the school's counselor, and found a way to get Lexa to where she needed to be - away from everything that was hurting her. 

Embry Riddle had reached out several times after Lexa's brief visit there for a summer camp.  Indra took the chance and spoke to a few people about Lexa graduating early and enrolling in the University.  She'd hoped by sending her daughter off to college at such a young age, and watching her graduate with two degrees that were more than adequate for getting a 'regular' job, that she wouldn't have to watch her live the same life that too many of the young people in that area had chosen for themselves.  She'd hoped that Lexa would make something of herself.  And she did, just not the way Indra had planned.  They supported their daughter, she and Gus did, but she couldn't or wouldn't lie and say that she was thrilled about the way her child had chosen to make a living. 

After the boat accident, when Lexa had recovered enough that Indra felt like she could talk to her seriously about things, she'd brought up the subject of switching careers - finding something more in line with what she'd gone to school for.   Of course, the brunette had told her no and that she was grown and this was the job she loved to do.  Even at that time, Indra had put her foot in her mouth by telling her daughter ' _That's what happens when you keep chasing a high!!  Nothing's ever enough, until it kills you! Is that what you want Lexa??  You want your father and I to have to bury you like Aden's parents had to bury him??"_ '  She hated seeing just how much that comment had cut her daughter to the core, the damage from her words written on her face. 

After that, Indra and Gus left LA and Lexa didn't come home again for 6 months.  She said it was because she wanted to make sure she was all healed up before they saw her again, said she didn't want them to have to relive it by looking at all her injuries.  But Indra knew better.  She knew that her daughter's heart was broken at the mention of that name, and now she is trying to remember why she hadn't thought enough to screen her thoughts before she let them come out again.

"I'm sorry," the women whispers, knowing it won't help but praying the girl hears it. "I didn't mean to say it that way."

"I'm fine," Lexa offers, hating the feeling of being looked at like some injured animal that needs to be coddled.

"And I'm not going back to stunts.  Luna and I have been talking about starting a business together.  With some of the money that I have and some of what she has, we could easily get started.  I'm not asking for your input and I'm not asking for permission.  I'm an adult.  And I'm doing what is best for me and for my family."

She leaves it hanging there, like an invitation for her mother to try and say something else.  But Indra realizes it's a war she's not willing to start right now. 

"Well, what can your father and I help with?" she asks.  "Do you need us to help you move or....?"

"No, but I do want to have Christmas Eve dinner there.  We don't have a lot of furniture there yet so we'd have to figure that out, but, I want our family and our friends there when I tell her that  _that house_  is ours."

"Okay," her mother takes a deep breath and releases it, "Well I'll have to bring all of my stuff over there.  I'll have to make sure I have everything I need in the fridge and freezer....all the pots and pans.  I......I'll make a list and get everything like that packed.  All I'll have to do is grab the meat and vegetables-"

"I also want to surprise her with a wedding," Lexa blurts out, causing Indra's tangent to come to a halt.

"A wedding?  On Christmas Eve?"

"Yes.  No crazy bridesmaids dresses or bachelorette parties, no church, no fancy organs playing and pre-pubescent choir boys singing.  Just me, her, and our people.  That's all we need."

"That certainly will be a surprise," her mother tells her. "But what if Clarke  _wants_  the church, and the traditional walk down the aisle?  Every bride  _dreams_  of their wedding day, and the perfect dress.."

"I know that," Lexa agrees, her hands reaching across the table for her mother's. "Clarke deserves the world, and if she wanted it, I'd do whatever I could to give it to her.  But I also know that....when she sees everything....the house, the flowers, everyone we know and love there....it'll mean way more to her than a dress she'll never wear again."

Indra squeezes her daughter's hands, shaking her head as she thinks back to a conversation she and Clarke had shared before the accident, the second visit that she and Raven had made to Bradenton before they moved their.  The twins had taken to driving to Gainesville to see them, but this was the 3rd weekend in June if she remembers correctly, and the girl's had decided to pull a reverse surprise, showing up on Thursday evening before the duo was set to leave the next morning.  She's not sure if Clarke would be able to recall their talk, but it was something that stuck with her.

 

**In June...**

 

"I'm so happy that Raven has someone like Layne in her life," the blonde offers as the two of the walk through the grocery store. "I think they're both really good for each other.."

"I agree," Indra smiles. "My son is......a different person, now.  He was always a happy kid, always laughing and cutting up, but....with Raven, I see a smile that I haven't seen before.  I also see how serious he is about her, regardless of how short a time they've known each other."

"I swear they're gonna get married," Clarke chuckles, grabbing a box of Lexa's favorite cereal.  "He joked about it the weekend they met, actually."

"I would have killed him," the older woman states, followed with a grin.  "I love him, and I am very fond of her, as well.  But if they had run off and gotten married....like two teenage fools....I would have killed him.  Maybe would have killed them both."

"That's exactly what Lexa said," the girl responds with a giggle and a sigh.

"Truthfully," Indra admits in that moment, "I expect that type of behavior more from Lexa than him.  For someone so smart, she can be very impulsive."

"She's my wild one," the twins mother goes on, "Layne has always been the calmer of the two, just....in love with life.  So simple, my sweet boy.  His sister......she needed more.  And she didn't ask for it, she found a way to get it instead of waiting for it to be given to her.  Lexa was....the first to talk, the first to walk - she never even crawled, just...stood up one day and was holding on to things, getting herself wherever she wanted to go.  I'll never forget how scared I was the first time I watched her let go and take her first steps.  It's like....I knew there'd be no stopping her at that point.  And there wasn't.  She will always be the first one to fight - well, second only to Anya - and the first to jump up and defend what she thinks is right, not so much for herself but at least where other people are concerned.  Her brother is......more of a quiet storm that has to build it's strength.  He is so much like Gus; slow to anger but once you've pushed him to his breaking point, you will never want to do it again."

"I think that's why he and Raven work so well together.  They're so alike but at the same time, so different."

"I think you may be right about that."

"So if Lexa and I had eloped, you wouldn't have been surprised?" Clarke asks.

"I'm surprised you haven't already," she says, a hint of worry in her voice.  "My husband will agree with me in saying that our daughter has never been a 'sharer'.  I guess that's why I didn't know anything about her and...Anya's friend, all that time.  I'm glad it ended though.  Whatever they shared, whatever it may have been, I'm glad it's over.  And I'm also glad that whatever powers that be stepped in and allowed me to meet you instead of letting Lexa keep you to herself any longer.  A year is quite long enough, in my book."

"Believe me, my mom was pretty ticked I hadn't mentioned Lex to her sooner."

"I would have been hurt, I can tell you that much, if I'd found out that she'd taken off and gotten  _hitched_  in some little chapel in Vegas," Indra mentions, "She's my baby.  My problem child, yes, but....always my baby.  And it would have broken mine and her father's heart knowing that it was one of the most important moments in our daughter's life and....we weren't there."

"I would never do that," the blonde eases her mind. "Not to you and Gus, or to my mother, and my grandparents."

"But you've thought about marrying her?  This soon?"

"I don't think marriage is something that Lexa wants, not right now or...maybe ever," even though the words sting, she can't lie. "But......yes.  I can't explain it but.....if I could have married her that first weekend we'd met, I honestly think I would have.  It sounds silly, I know, but I feel like she's that  _one_  that my dad always told me to wait for.  He used to say, ' _You'll know 'em, when you find 'em, kid'_.  He always told me that he knew that about my mom the first night they met.  It's a gut thing, I guess."

"The gut is fickle," Indra warns, shrugging it off. "Marriages whose sole foundation is gut can be ruined by an upset stomach."

"I wasn't referring to my gastrointestinal tract," Clarke corrects her, stopping in front of the shopping cart to prevent it from moving. "But I think you already knew that.  I know it must be hard for you to believe someone when they tell you how much they love your child.  I know there has to be a part of you that will never believe that I'm good enough for her, or that I will love her as unconditionally as you do.  And I agree, because it will never be the same.  That is the kind of love that  _only_  a mother can give.  But I do love her, Indra."

"I know that-"

"And I intend on having a future with her," the girl continues to make her case, "Whether than means marriage or kids or pets or.... just the two of us.  I don't care if we're rich or poor, if we're here or in Gainesville, or anywhere else for that matter.  She is my  _one_.  My home, in human form.  And it doesn't matter what happens -- 2 weeks from now, 2 months from now, or 2 years from now.  If life...and it's infinite possibilities separate us.........it won't be for long.  We'll find our way back to each other.  I believe that.."

"I'm glad you're so strong," the older woman praises her, placing one and then another box of oatmeal into the cart. "You'll need to be.  That daughter of mine is a force to be reckoned with.."

"Loving her is easy," Clarke states, moving aside for Indra to move the cart forward.

"Yes, and it is also a fight that will never be over," the girl's mother informs her. "That being said....I look forward to your company in whatever battles lie ahead."

 

**Present day...**

 

Clarke had made good on her word.  Life had tried to separate them, thrown them a curve-ball that no one could have anticipated, but Clarke had stayed.  And Lexa was drawn to her from the moment they met for the second time.  They  _had_  found their way back, and she couldn't deny that this proposal and watching Lexa defend it so adamantly was music to her ears.  She'd gone too long thinking that her daughter would never settle down, never put down roots, never have a family, or a partner in life - in this one or the next.  This stubborn blonde-headed girl had come out of nowhere and changed so much in such a short time, started a revolution within her.  Indra had never said it to anyone except her husband, but she wanted that for her daughter more than anything.

"Alright then," Indra gives in, using her apron to wipe her face, "Whatever your father and I can do, just let us know."

"Actually, I'd like to talk about that right now, if you don't mind.  We don't have a lot of time to prepare."

  

***

 

Raven knows a liar when she sees one.  She can spot a fuckboy on sight.  Gainesville was full of them; UF was a fountain spilling over with them.  And she had talked to too many to be caught slipping again.  Finn was just the first boy in a string of bad taste, but he'd made a lasting impression.  At least the others never made promises.  They'd come and go, be there at their convenience, and disappear at will.  She knew the drill.  She welcomed that kind of transparency after all the smoke and mirrors with Finn.

She'd never told Clarke about them, or at least had never called him by name.  She'd mentioned a guy she was seeing, a guy she was trying to piece together and make sense of.  But she'd never told her new bestie who he was.  Even though they'd been at parties with him before, she'd never pointed him out to her the way most girls would point out the object of the desires.  And that was mostly because Finn reminded her a little too much of her father.  She couldn't describe exactly what it was about him, it always seemed like it was on the tip of her tongue, never fully formed enough to be any of substance.

At first, he was sweet but stand-offish.  He made corny jokes and made her smile with how awkward he seemed.  She remembered him telling her that he didn't feel like all the other guys - he didn't feel confident or cool, didn't feel like he got girls' attention.  He didn't realize that that was exactly what had gotten hers.  It was exactly what led her to his bed the first time.  They hadn't known each other long; they'd only been in school for 2 weeks.  But he was "adorkable" and he made promises of a future, and if anything, she hoped it was a good first-time story for him.

After the next 2 times, it seemed like she had fucked the nerd out of him.  He started dressing differently, started wearing his long hair in a man-bun, and letting the stubble develop just a bit on his usually clean-shaven face.  It wasn't just a aesthetic change, though.  His whole personality morphed into this callous, self-assured, egotistical prick.  He started ignoring her at parties, started shifting his focus to other pursuits, other conquests.  He struck out a lot, and that was enough gratification for her so she didn't feel the need to play games with him.  Instead, she kept the walls up, stayed friends with him, but never let him close enough to have any affect on her.  Not again.

The night she invited him back to Clarke's apartment, she had told him very plainly, 'We're not fucking.  I'm just offering you a place to crash while your roomie is gettin' it in.  I got dibs on the couch, you can sleep on the spare twin mattress on the floor.'  And when they went to sleep, thats exactly where he was.  When she woke up, however, he wasn't there anymore and she was pretty sure he'd gotten up early and pulled the typical fuckboy disappearing act.  She was beyond surprised to walk into Clarke's room, hoping to crawl in bed and snuggle for a bit, and find him laying there instead.  They both had clothes on so she didn't assume anything had happened between them, but she had a feeling that Clarke's secret beau would probably have something to say about it.  Shortly after, Clarke and her secret beau were on the outs, and the aforementioned sneaky little bed-bug had found his way in.   From everything that Raven could see, Finn was back to his pre-fuckboy behavior - doing everything he ever said he would for her, but for the blonde.  She didn't hold it against her friend, if anything she was impressed at how the boy had cleaned up his act, and maybe even a little impressed at Clarke for being able to change him. 

There had been times where she'd noticed that Clarke seemed tired or hung over.....or maybe a little distracted, distant.  She wasn't sure what to make of it, and she never asked because she didn't want to seem like she was being intrusive, but she couldn't shake the feeling that Finn was the source.  Maybe it was the way Finn talked to her when they were all out together.  Maybe it was the way he grabbed the blondes arm or the way he always had a drink in his hand and a scowl on his face.  But If Finn reminded her so much of her father, then maybe Clarke reminded her in some ways of her mother - the woman who was too kind and too good of a person to keep dealing with someone who had zero respect for her.

The rest is history and there's no way to go back but her observance of fuckboys in their natural habitats had given her a keen ability to pick them out of a crowd and steer clear.  

Layne is not _that guy_. 

He's simple.  He's easy to please and does whatever he can to please her.

She'll admit, he is the guy that other girls want -- the guy that has options in different area codes.  He's the one that will catch your eye at a party and you'll instantly feel feverish.  He's the type she never even bothered with unless she was only looking for a good lay.   She'll even admit that when she'd first seen him, and she'd joked with Clarke that she wanted to lock it down with him, all she was really looking for was a nice way to end their little vacation.  She didn't even think he'd be there in the morning when she woke up. 

She didn't necessarily see him as the fuckboy type, but more the 'hustler'.  The guy with real shit to do, real money to make, and no time for games.  He told you exactly what he wanted and if you weren't down for it, he wasn't about to try and convince you.  He wasn't one to beg or use a guilt trip.  They'd flirted, openly, back and forth the whole day but that night she wondered if it was leading anywhere or if he was all bark and no bite.  He made his intentions known when he approached her, telling her ' _Invite me over_.'  She laughed, sipping her drink and looking away for a moment before meeting his gaze again, responding with a flippant, ' _For what?  What are you missing here that you think you'll find over there?_ '  If she thought that would baffle him, she was wrong.  Instead of clamming up he just smiled, and told her  ' _Privacy, and your bed._ '

She didn't have to talk to him up or do any kind of freaky shit.  She didn't even have to get him hard.  As soon as they'd made it to the beach house and were safely inside her room, she had started stripping, with her back facing him, and was surprised to turn around and find him already naked, semi-hard, and still growing.  It was refreshing, because all of the guys she'd been with previously, including Finn, fucked with some sort of clothing on.  Oh they wanted her naked, but they made sure they kept a lot of their apparel on so they could make a quick exit after they were done.  And yet, there he stood, in all his naked God of War glory, looking like he had all the time in the world to fuck her up, and he intended to use it.   

But again, he was  _simple_. 

It was sex, it was great, and they would probably revisit it at some point if Clarke ever came to visit her boo-thang again.  But that was it.  That was all.  That was exactly what she told herself.

When he surprised her with breakfast in bed the following morning, she didn't even know how to respond.  And when he took a bite off the other end of the piece of toast she was biting into, her initial thought was to slap him, but there was another, softer and less thuggish side of her that felt like Lady from the Disney movie Lady and the Tramp.  Granted, all those G-rated feels disappeared as soon as he gave her that good-dick™ again - once in the bed, again in the kitchen while everyone else was still asleep and they were trying not to get caught, and a third time in the shower before they left to go to his parent's house.  Even then, in her mind, no matter how much she laughed with Clarke about a Vegas wedding, she told herself that when it was over and they had to leave, she'd be fine.  They would say their goodbyes, he'd talk about what a nice time they shared; it's the obligatory, carefree ' _it's been fun_ ' or ' _I enjoyed this_ ' or whatever other shit makes it sound casual.  

He'd has his hands all over her the whole day, though, and not just in front of his friends like she was some trophy he wanted to display.  He held doors open for her, always reached for her hand when they were walking, played with her hair, smiled at her like he couldn't see anyone else in this world, and had told her about a billion times that he wanted to keep seeing her.  She couldn't make up her mind on if he meant all of it or if he was just keeping the option open - making sure they left things on good terms so that when they saw each other next, she'd be much more likely to sleep with him again.

She knew when they met he wasn't what you'd call 'unpracticed'; she also knows, now, that the few girlfriends he had didn't last long, because as simple as he was, he needed someone to keep him excited.  He talked to her about his roommate's girlfriend and the girls she brought over to keep him occupied while they got it on, too.  He spoke very openly with her about being both the 'wingman' and the guy to 'hump and dump' because it was easier than getting emotionally invested in dead-ends.  He even confessed to giving Lexa that advice when he'd first heard about Clarke.  And all of it sounded to her like it was real.  Like there was no way he could have or would have made it all up.

Yet, with her, he doesn't even seem like he could ever have been the guy to hit it and quit it.  He is very much the guy that every instagram meme talks about when they say ' _If he's humble, honest, loyal, respectful, and fucks you like a savage, keep him_ '.  From the first time they had sex and he laid there, scratching her back and playing with her hair until she fell asleep - with the same hands he'd wrapped around her throat while he tore into her - all the way to now, when he annoyingly orders her drink for her at restaurants but she can't even be mad at him because it always seems to be what she wanted even before she could decide.  He knows her, he learned her, and still learns her more every day. 

Which is why it doesn't compute in her head that he would lie about going to work, and instead, go meet up with Tris, in the same city where he, his girlfriend, and his twin and her girlfriend all live.  Plenty of people that could potentially roll-up on any philandering that might be going on, whether it be at the apartment or out and about, and it would have made more sense to meet Tris at her house, anyway.  Raven can't make sense of any of it and that just doesn't sit well with her, at all.

"I need to talk to you about something," Layne says, washing the dishes as she watches him from the barstool positioned on the other side of the counter.

 _Here it comes_ , she thinks. _He's feeling guilty.  Which doesn't make me feel better, because he still did it, but at least he cares enough to worry in regards to my feelings._

"What's up, buttercup?" she answers, forcing a new, more foreign term of endearment instead of using her usual nicknames for him, like 'Gordi' or 'Chubbz'.

"I've been keeping a secret," he informs her, rinsing a large pot before setting it to the side to dry. "And I hate feeling like I'm leaving you out-"

"Leaving me out of what??"

She has to keep herself from finishing.  She can't let on that she knows.  It makes her look like a creep, like a jealous lover, and moreover it makes her look weak, the latter of which she will NEVER accept.  Take your hard-knocks and get back up, it's a part of life.  But to let someone see you fall (or perhaps be the one to knock you down) and then allow them to feel like you need their help or like you need their support in order to get back up....oh no, that will not ever be her.

"I'm gonna tell you, Chich, hold on," her boyfriend laughs, flicking water on her with his fingers. 

She loves how playful he is, how young he makes her feel, like the high-school sweetheart she never had.  As much as she used to hate him calling her 'chicharra', she's grown fond of it.  She even signed her and Layne's birthday card to Clarke with ' _Love Chich &Chubbz_'.  Right now, the name and his casual, un-phased demeanor frustrates her because she wishes he knew - wishes he could see how much his lies affect her.

"Can you promise to be quiet?" he whispers in that sweet, gravelly drawl she loves, his eyebrows raising in question even though his sights are focused on the sink.

"Depends on your secret," she tries to sound playful more than snarky.

"I haven't been at work these past few days," she hears him confess and her heart doesn't know whether it wants to beat, flutter, or cease to exist.  "I've been with Lexa and Anya-"

 _Bullshit_ , she thinks, her internal feathers ruffling and her talons stretching out, preparing for attack.

"-and Tris," he finishes, making her cringe just the tiniest bit because she feels like she's about to be proved wrong.  _Very very wrong_.

"Oh yeah?" Raven musters, leaving room for him to keep talking.  She needs to know the truth.  She needs to hear it all.  "In Bradenton?"

"Here," Layne says lowly. "In Sarasota, I mean.  We've been working on a project and I've been waiting for Lex to give me the okay to tell you.."

"Mmhmm...." she nods, losing patience with his drawn out explanation. "And what kind of project is this exactly?"

"A house," he tells her with a smile on his face so bright she knows there's absolutely nothing but sincerity there. "Clarke's Grampa bought a house here, right on the beach, and he gave the paperwork and stuff to Lexa.  Told her it was for all of us."

"A house??"

"A house, Chich," her boyfriend chuckles, ringing out the rag and laying it across the sink divider. "We took those swatches that you, Clarke, and Mom picked out....got the paint....and started working.  Finished up today, actually."

"Why...why did he buy a house?" Raven stutters. "Did he really say it was for all of us?"

"He did," he confirms, walking around the counter to where he stands behind her, his arms wrapping her up and his lips finding her cheek. "When Lex told me about it....I told her no at first.  Told her that I didn't need any favors....and that I could handle us."

"Mmm," she hums, listening to him.

"But Lex said Hal wanted it this way.  That he specifically said it was big enough for the four of us, the baby, and-"

"I'm pregnant..."

She feels him freeze, feels the tight hold of his arms loosen, and she waits for him to say something.  They both knew there was a chance of it happening.  When the doctor had removed the implant and they were discussing other options, she knew that in the meantime they'd have to be careful.  And they were.  Just.....not on one night in particular.  They had been drinking, not a lot so they weren't plastered, but inhibitions were watered down and she'd told him how much she just needed to feel him.  It was the first time they hadn't used a condom, the only time, and after 2 rounds of the most glorious, spine-tingling sex she'd ever had, her last thought before passing out was that she couldn't believe she'd waited so long to feel that with him.  She remembered exactly why, now. 

"Are you playing right now, Rae?"

"No.."

"You're sure?" he asks, "Like...there's no way that its....a false positive or something like that..?"

"No," the girl shakes her head, knowing full well the weight of what she's just said. "I'm pregnant.  The doctor's office confirmed it 2 days ago.."

They'd been over this a hundred times.  A year or two of great sex, freedom to explore, and then they would talk about settling down.  If they lasted through the so-called 'honeymoon phase', then they would address the future.  They loved each other.  They both knew that.  They didn't say it every day, hardly ever actually, but they both knew it.  They both felt it.  But loving someone doesn't always mean you're meant to be with them.  Not forever.  And that year or two was meant for them to see what happened when the 'newness' had fallen away and they were just together.  Would they still feel the same way about each other?  Would they want something more?  Those were things they were supposed to have plenty of time before facing...

"Why didn't you tell me then?"

"I tried," she admits, her eyes watering against her will. "I tried to go to the Marina.  But you weren't there."

"Did you call me?  I never got it-"

"I thought you were cheating on me....." she purposely leaves the rest hanging.

His arms release her and his hands grab her seat to spin her around to look at him.  At first those hunter green eyes just stare into hers, his thumbs rubbing along the sides of her thighs.

"Rae.....," he almost sounds out of breath. "Why....?"

"Because you weren't at work," she murmurs.  "You told me you were going to work and.....I was planning on going there to surprise you with lunch anyways but....then I got that news and....I just needed you.  And you weren't there.  You've never lied to me, Gordi.  I just..."

"I'm sorry that I didn't tell you the truth," he tries to console her, "But Raven it wasn't meant to hurt you.  You can ask Lex, I wanted to tell you but she made me promise not to until the time was right.  She wanted to surprise Clarke and.....honestly I was kinda hoping to surprise you, too."

"Yeah well, I guess we surprised each other," Raven says, her face falling that much more.

"What's wrong?"

Both of his hands reach to hold her head up, his eyes still searching hers.

"This wasn't the plan," the girl tells him. "The plan was to have fun, get crazy, experiment, be young and free.."

"Okay, so.....we change the plan, then," he assures her, his trademark grin making her knees weak even as she sits. "We make new plans."

"I don't want new plans!  I liked our old plans!  I mean.....aren't you freaking out just a little bit here??   Jesus fuck, Layne I need you to just.....emote.  Show me that you're feeling something for fuck's sake, so I don't feel like I'm alone in this."

"Okay listen," he puts his deep voice on, the one she hates to hear because it means he's putting his foot down (but she also kinda likes it).

"Do you love me?"

"Seriously, Layne??  Yes, you fucknut.  I love you."

"And do you trust me?"

"Yes,........I trust you..."

"Do you believe me when I say that I don't want to be with anyone that isn't you?"

"What about-"

"Yes or no, Raven," he commands, making her just a _little_ tingly inside. "Do you believe me when I tell you that I'm into _you_?  All that other shit.....that's just extra, for me.  I'm into _you_ , alright?  I ride for _you._  And if your ass gotta stay parked for a little bit, guess who the fuck's gon' be parked right next to you - this guy right here.  Do you believe me when I say that?"

"Yes..."

"Okay then," his fingers squeeze behind her knees, pulling her legs apart for him to mark room for himself. "So think about what you just said and tell me is that really want you want?  Do you really want to abort the pregnancy?"

"I never said that!" she fights.

"That's what it sounded like-"

"And so what if I do?" she fights harder. "What if I think I'm not ready for this?  Or like..... _we're_ not ready for this??  We've only known each other for 6 months and this.....this is a big decision.  Monu-fucking-mental!  I mean.....I never thought I would say this but.....what if....aborting is the best option?  Because I don't think I could go through with the pregnancy, have the baby, and then put it up for adoption."

"Okay, so-"

"I just....I don't know what to do.  I don't have the same support situation that Clarke has, you know?   I don't have parents and grandparents to take care of me and shit.  Like....Abby has been great to me, and I'm so thankful for her, but....I'm not her _real_ daughter, you know??  She's got enough going on with Clarke being pregnant and....I don't want her to feel like she has to do the same for me that she's doing for her, you get me?   I'm not going to be someone's charity case or...a fucking obligation-"

"Abby is your mom Rae.  Not by blood, but you're her kid.  You're not a charity case or some....pity project for her.  She doesn't think of you that way.  She has all of your school stuff - all those awards and shit - posted all around her house.  Everywhere you look in her house it's pictures of all of us, Clarke's paintings or sketches, and your certificates and plaques and trophies.  She's so fucking proud of you, babe-"   

"You're missing the point!  I meant that for you too!  I don't want you to feel like I trapped you with this," she explains, tearfully. "I know you said you wanted kids but.....this is really soon.  What if one day I'm that baby-mama that you talk shit about to all your friends or your new girl or....even to our kid??  I can't do that Layne.   But if I make the decision to get an abortion, I feel like somewhere inside you'll hate me, because you'll feel like I killed your kid.   And your mom......she's gonna think-"

"Raven," his voice lowers once more, to that tone that literally makes goosebumps appear on her skin. "Tell me what _you_ want.  Fuck my mom, and fuck all that other noise. Okay?  Tell me what _you_ want."

"I want us," she concedes.  "I think that's why it scared me so much that you weren't there.  Because I want you, and even though I was good with us experimenting, that......kinda feels like it's over now.  And I don't know how to feel about that.  If I go through with this pregnancy, I wouldn't feel right continuing all that, at least not while I'm carrying the baby.  Maybe not even after that, I don't know.  I would never ask you to stop, though-"

"I already told you, I'm in it for you."

"But what if you stop, because you think it's the right thing to do, and then you're bitter about it.  You may not feel that way now, but things change.   I worry that....you'll expect things from me......like.....you'll try to control me.  I worry that you're young - we both are - and maybe we're not ready to settle down yet.   I'm the incubator, I don't have a choice.  At some point, I'll have to make myself stay put but you?   You can just come and go and do whatever you please, eat whatever you want because you don't have to worry about heartburn or how everything you eat and drink affects the living, breathing being inside of you.   Even after it's born, are you going to expect me to stay home?  I mean...right after the birth is one thing, if we chose to breast-feed is another, but......I'm not the stay-at-home-mommy type, Layne.   I'll go crazy!!"

"Raven, I would not-"

"And I'm not gonna be someone that sits at home all day waiting for you to get there just so I can get 10 mins of ' _hey, how was your day, guess what junior did today_ ,' while you're eating, and then you head off to shower, go to bed early, and I'm left up cleaning the kitchen, putting the baby down, and getting up throughout the night too.  I don't want to be the one to cook and clean and discipline while you get to do whatever the fuck else and then tell him ' _nah, fuck cleaning your room. its man-time.  sit down with your pops and watch the game!_ '  I'm not going to be the one getting after him about homework and being respectful to his teachers and to his grandparents and to me, while you show up at all his games and people tell you what a ' _fine young man you've raised_ '--"

"I'm not your dad," Layne tells her, killing every bit of fight she has left.  "And I don't care if we have a boy or girl or neither or both....I just....I like what we have.  I'm not talking about what we have right now, like the freedom and the craziness and the random sex.  We can still have that, just....differently.  I just like what you and me have, together.  I like _us_.  And that's why, whatever you decide, I'm going to support you.  Because I know that even if you think we're not ready, it doesn't mean you're saying never.  It just means not right now.  Trust yourself, Raven.  Nobody knows what is best for you the way you do.."

"But do you want this baby?"

She watches his throat bobble and his eyes water.

"I do," he nods.

Maybe that's all she needed to hear.  Maybe the rest of it doesn't really matter, it's just the fact that she doesn't want her child to go through what she went through.  She doesn't blame her mother.  How could she have known he would turn out like that?  He used to be fun and loving and playful, too.  Raven had seen the pictures of them as teenagers, how silly he was and how happy her mother looked with him.  But he'd never wanted kids.  He'd been honest about that from the moment they started seeing each other, her mother had told her.  When she got pregnant with Junior, he was angry.  He felt betrayed - like she'd purposely let it happen to spite him.  He was different with her, throughout the entire pregnancy, but when she delivered that baby boy, the Reyes namesake, his attitude changed.  He was proud.  He was playful, again.  He was the man that she'd married.  So many times Raven wished that she and her sister had never been born because then.....maybe then her dad would have stayed happy and her mother would never have gone through what she went through.  Maybe that's what worries her; she hates the idea that her child would ever think that way or blame themselves for whatever happens between their parents.

"Me too," she whispers to him.  "And I know you're not like him.  That's why I like you so much..."

"So are we doing this, then?"

"I....I guess we are.  Are you sure you're ready?" she asks him.

"Probably not," he replies as his big hand slides over her stomach. "But win or lose baby, we still a team.  Me, you, Thing 1 and Thing 2-"

"It better not be twins!" she half-laughs, wiping her eyes. "I swear to God, Gordi.."

"Come on now, you love BOGO's.."

"SHUT UP, YOU ASS!"


End file.
